Not feeling valued by others can make us believe that we are worth less or that others are unfair or self-interested. But, really, this feeling may have to do, especially, with our personal history and the way we create bonds.
Have you ever thought that it is very unfair that while you are generousyou always have willingness to help otherstea you go out of your way for your partner or your children or are you an unconditional friendeven so, the people you love the most are not reciprocal with you, a situation that entails a large amount of negative emotionsbetween them disappointment, sadness or anger?
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Well, it is important to understand that the first place we should look if something like this happens to us it’s towards ourselves. The anger or insecurity that causes us to consider that others do not reciprocate as they should or do not appreciate all our efforts causes a deterioration in our self-esteem, and we may feel increasingly insecure and stop valuing ourselves.
But the truth is that the only weapon we have to face this situation is to understand two central aspects in our own development: what motivates us to act as we act and what we should do in this regard.
Why don’t we feel valued?
Many times, we believe that whenever we act, we do so in accordance with the affection or love we have for others, and we convince ourselves that there lies the sole cause of our generosity towards them. But This is not always the case and we must start there.. Many times the engine that drives us, without knowing it, is another.
Much of the studies on the Attachment theory (Bowlby and Ainsworth, to name a few) have explained the effects of poor parenting in adulthood. This approach to psychology assumes that when a Insecure attachment bond consequences remain even in our relationships during adulthood. That is, if we grew up insecure about the affection or attention we could receive from our parents or main companions, possibly there we learned to try, by all means, to obtain and maintain attention and appreciation.
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This attitude and learned behavior usually manifests itself in the type of bonds we establish with our friends or partner as adults. Therefore, it is common fear of abandonment either to rejectionhe abandonment of one’s own needs or desires to please others or the fear of not feeling loved. So, what we believe we give out of affection or love, many times is not a selfless deliverybut one that seeks to receive something back. That delivery would not be genuinebut rather it would come from a fear or anguish caused by that behavior that originated in the bond formed in childhood, which was defective, and which taught us to relate in the wrong way.
What should we do?
Thus, not feeling valued may be because, given that early insecurity that we learned, let’s not value ourselves. But that has a solution, because the self-worth does not depend on how much we receive from others, but on what we do not receive and we have even learned to give. No one gives what they do not have, and if we have given, there is no doubt that we have a lot and that our value is great. Only sometimes we don’t see it.
- Teach others: We must also know that Everything we do teaches others how they should treat us. Therefore we are the ones who decide our value and teach it to others. When we are overly accommodatingwe are always available for others or we give more, they we communicate that our time is not valuablethat our opinions don’t matter or what They are above us. Being aware is, without a doubt, of great help.
- Self-love does not mean selfishness: And it is not only valid but healthy to consider our well-being first. AND The best way to value yourself is to understand your deficiencies, childhood wounds, work to understand and heal them and, as this happens, you will begin to see how important you are and how much you are worth.
- Never stop listening to yourself: This is essential to understanding what you want, what you need, and what you must learn to satisfy your needs and desires. Consequently, you will learn to say no and set limits in your relationships..
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