Olga Castanyer Mayer-Spiess in her book “Assertiveness, expression of healthy self-esteem” mentions 3 techniques to develop the capacity for assertiveness. These are anxiety reduction, some techniques when arguing and cognitive restructuring.
In the following Psychology-Online article we are going to explain the Techniques to develop the capacity for assertiveness In your day to day.
Olga Castanyer Mayer-Spiess in her book “Assertiveness, expression of healthy self-esteem” mentions 3 techniques:
Anxiety Reduction Techniques
To reduce anxiety physically, there are two techniques that complement each other: relaxation and breathing. Within relaxation we find two types: Jacobson’s Progressive (muscular) Relaxation and Schultz’s Autogenic Training.
Assertiveness techniques for discussions
- scratched record technique: it is about repeating the same argument over and over again, patiently and calmly without getting into arguments.
- fog bank: You agree with the other person, but avoid entering into further discussions. It is said in a calm and convincing tone of voice, conveying to the other person that he is partially right in what he says.
- Assertive postponement: The discussion is postponed to another time where the situation is more controlled.
- Relativize the importance of what is discussed: It is about showing that sometimes it is more important not to get into a discussion and understand that it leads nowhere. For example, interrupting a discussion with a comment like “Maybe this discussion is not as important as we are giving it.”
- Ignore technique: the discussion is not followed by the other but through verbal and non-verbal language it is conveyed that it is not inconsiderate to ignore the topic of discussion.
- Technique of differentiating a behavior from a way of being: the other is made to see that although one may have made a mistake, that does not mean that he is a bad person. For example, “Even though I was late today, that doesn’t mean I’m unpunctual.”
- Assertive question technique: it is based on the idea that the other’s criticism is well-intentioned (even if it is not). You are asked a question to clarify what we have done wrong and how we can do it right. For example: “How do you want me to change so that this doesn’t happen again.”
Cognitive restructuring
Cognitive restructuring is a therapeutic method of intervention with the purpose of providing the client with sufficient resources to make their life easier in the face of problems or conflicts that arise daily.
In cognitive restructuring, the therapist uses different methods to change those negative thoughts by making the client aware of the type of cognitions or language they are using so that they can modify them.
With this method, the client is taught how to identify those irrational beliefs (such as “Certain kinds of people are vile, evil and infamous and they should be seriously blamed and punished for their evil” or “It is easier to avoid than to confront certain responsibilities and difficulties in life”) so that they are finally able to do it for themselves and thus improve their quality of life. The ultimate purpose of therapy is to give the subject the necessary tools to defend themselves against the inclemencies of life in a healthy way.
Doctor Joaquín Pérez Férriz in his book “Communication and Personal Development Course” mentions “tips” on how to make requests and how to deal with a hostile person:
How to make requests
- When you ask for something, do not do it “in exchange” for something else (that is, do not accept or perform moral or emotional blackmail).
- Don’t justify yourself or humiliate yourself in front of the other, but don’t coerce them or do emotional blackmail either.
- Consider that you deserve what you ask for.
- Always remain calm and self-controlled.
- Express yourself clearly, without detours.
- If you receive a refusal, say that you understand the other person’s reasons. If you think it is necessary and convenient, try again under the same terms.
Faced with a hostile interlocutor
- Do not be reactive, that is, do not get heated or play along in altered conversations. Remain serene.
- Do not agree to enter the game of negative or malicious conversations.
- Do not counterargue or contradict. Malicious conversations do not seek to reach mutual agreements, but instead seek to manipulate and destabilize.
- If you are openly criticized, you can use two tactics, as the situation requires: Ask the other person to specifically criticize your actions, not yourself. Admit criticism in a calm and carefree manner. That is, admitting only that said criticism “may be” true, which also implies that it “may not be” true, so we do not give in and remain calm.
- Don’t take denials, reproaches or criticism personally. You will avoid useless resentments.
- When faced with an aggressive or angry interlocutor, discreetly but firmly guide him to focus on “the facts”, on what has really happened, not on the people.
- Propose to look for solutions around the facts, not in people. Facts can be changed, people are more difficult to change, and we are not the ones to change anyone.
- Always save the dignity of the other, you will avoid their resentment and revenge.
Ternary Formulation: Sequence to apply assertive behavior
Assertiveness is generally applied in three distinct steps:
- Focus on stating the facts and data. In this phase, do not expose feelings, opinions or reasoning of any kind.
- Clearly state what you want. Clarify all your reasons, your personal motives and your feelings.
- Say clearly and bluntly what you expect the other person to do.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.