We spoke with Jennifer Ruíz, clinical psychologist, about managing frustration, that emotional response that many of us have experienced throughout our lives. Provides advice to set more realistic objectives and meet goals.
Feelings of frustration are generated when we have very high expectations regarding situations, people or what we expect of ourselvesbut they are always related to thoughts. When we accept that something did not happen, that we did not achieve it, even though we tried, we recognize that there is a new opportunity to start over until we achieve it.
As part of that management we must be able to say: “things are not going to turn out the way I expected, but I tried.”
For what reason? Feelings of frustration are managed with self-instructionsthat is, telling us words or phrases in which we should not criticize ourselves and give ourselves negative instructions such as: “why didn’t I do it?/I’m slow/why do I never accomplish anything?/I’m always messing up/I’m not capable”, but to drive a more assertive language or message with ourselvesIn this way, feelings of frustration will decrease and from there you can begin to build new plans and purposes because there is new motivation to achieve them, you can even change the method or way of executing everything necessary to fulfill them.
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Sometimes anxiety or stress about the future takes over many people, how to welcome or accept that a new year is coming?
Stress and anxiety will always be in our lives, It’s not about them leaving, but about knowing how to handle them and being able to express them because they come from fear. and fear is necessary to be able to flee from danger, identify situations in which we feel at risk, etc… What happens is that sometimes we do not express it correctly, we do not put it in its place and we allow fear itself to affect us. disable us to show what we really feel.
There is always a lot of uncertainty about what is coming, and even more so after the confinement due to the COVID-19 pandemic, and how should we handle it? I return to the same advice: managing thoughts.
If I say to myself: “Will I continue working?/Will I have a partner?/Will my children be okay?/Will I finish my studies?/Will I get the money I need?/Will I pay all the debts? What do I have?”, my brain is going to be programmed to be filled with fear and say: “Oh, what if what I want doesn’t turn out as it should? The year will start out terrible”, we are conditioning ourselves to something catastrophic happening without it happening. still.
We attract everything we think and how we do it, so you should try to construct and verbalize thoughts that attract stability, tranquility, comfort and security.
We can make a gratitude therapyis a technique that many psychologists recommend to identify the learnings we had this year and give thanks, that way we can also welcome the new year and say goodbye to the one that is leaving.
What does self-compassion mean?
Recognize that we tried our best and made an effort, but things didn’t work out, so we must move forward. That is feeling compassion for ourselves. It is important to be empathetic, recognize and accept how vulnerable and how fragile we can be and that despite that we can rebuild, vindicate ourselves, start over because that is who we are.
That is an incredible capacity that we humans have, we adapt, we are super flexible to situations as long as our mind accepts change, we leave the comfort zone, because many people have mental inflexibility and are stubborn, they do not accept mistakes, there are pride, resentment and that is where self-pity breaks down.
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Should we be self-compassionate?
Yes, we have to recognize that we are human beings and we can make mistakes, but there is a breaking point and that is not to victimize ourselves or be dramatic with what we live or feel, but to understand ourselves. If we make a bad decision this year we beat ourselves up saying: “why did I do that, I should have thought better, if only I had done this”, we do that, right? Well, that’s not self-pity, that’s self-criticism.
How to make real purposes or goals?
During the gratitude process, learning from traumatic, negative or terrifying experiences can be identified. This helps to close cycles, but also to make more real purposes or goals. Through writing a letter that expresses forgiveness, gratitude and learning, it can be achieved. The exercise consists of writing to the corresponding people or situations, but above all to ourselves, speaking to this year’s version, after that, you can make a more grounded list of goals or purposes.
What is the success behind goal commitment?
To meet goals or objectives, several factors come into play: mind, determination, discipline and perseverance. People who, for example, have been exercising for several years recognize these factors because there are days when there is no motivation to train, but their own commitment becomes the reason why they do not give up.
It is also important that when making these new goals, mentioned above, we speak in the first person and do not use the following words: “I have, I must or I need” because they all evoke obligation and the mind will say it is programmed that it is a rule, and if you don’t fulfill it you are a failure, a situation that is not true. It is advisable to use the word “I want” or “I would like” to change all the thinking and self-instructions.
Many people think that if a goal is not started on January 1, it will no longer be met, is this true?
It is a cultural perception, in reality we are setting goals throughout the year. What does it have to do with the first day of January or every month to begin with? None because all the time we are thinking about objectives, about fulfilling dreams or goals in the short or long term. It’s just a date. We all have the ability to propose something and fulfill ourselves whenever we want.87