One issue regarding a partner is especially controversial because of the debate it generates: fantasizing about a third person despite the fact of having a partner. It is more common than you might think, perhaps because many people who fantasize about a third party do not admit it, they even lie about it. Thus, the controversy is served: why do I think about another person if I have a partner? Why do I think of another person when making love? Is it okay to fantasize sexually about another person while you are having sex with your partner? At Psychology-Online we reflect on it.
Why do I think about someone else?
Belgian psychotherapist Perel points out a powerful paradox that occurs in relationships: on the one hand, we all share the fundamental need for security and stability, which pushes us to commit ourselves to a relationship and to a person; for the other, we wish adventure and novelty, which guides us in the opposite direction. Thus, today, we expect the same person to give us risk and security, mystery and familiarity, novelty and stability.
Faced with this crossroads, it is important that each member of the couple becomes aware that no person is going to completely satisfy all the needs they have, whether sexual or any other type. Likewise, it is crucial to assimilate the notion that each of the parties that make up the relationship is an individual person with their own attitudes, values and thoughts. And that includes, sometimes, fantasize about third parties.
Thus, finding other people attractive is normal even if you are in love with your partner, as long as it happens sporadically. If it is something recurring or you let yourself be carried away by these fantasies, it could be indicating that something within the couple is not going well.
Why do I think of another person when making love with my partner?
We can affirm, almost without fear of being wrong, that no man or woman wants their partner to be imagining someone else in the middle of an intimate moment. After many years of relationship, it may be normal that at some point, by chance, one or both of the members of the couple may fantasize about other people. However, it is not healthy to have this fantasy while you are in the act with your partner on a regular basis.
If at any specific moment, while you were having intimate relations with your partner, you have had a thought or fantasy related to another person, you should not be alarmed, horrified or feel guilty. On the other hand, if you have fantasies about another person or people on a regular basis while you are with your partner, it is time for you to start thinking about what is happening in your relationship. In the following article you will find.
A possible explanation for thinking about another person when making love would be boredom and lack of vitality, so you could be using this type of fantasies to escape monotony and enliven your relationship. Or maybe you don’t have satisfactory sexual relationships and feel that certain important needs for you are not being met. It may exist. However, to clarify the specific aspects of your relationship and know what to do about it, going to a psychologist is always a good option.
In any case, it is not advisable to give yourself the green light to habitually fantasize about another person, as this could be indicative of a problem that would need to be worked on to find a solution.
Many times, facing the feelings that are latent beneath our behaviors helps us to perceive more clearly our motivations, which are responsible for us acting the way we do.
What can I do if I regularly think of another person when making love with my partner?
Next, we give you 10 keys that will help you have a clearer notion of what is happening in your relationship:
- The frequency: The first thing you should be clear about is whether fantasies with a third person are something sporadic or whether they occupy a leading position in sexuality with your partner.
- Reflect on your relationship honestly. Or do you find it necessary to make certain changes?
- The fantasy person: Ask yourself certain questions about the person to whom your fantasies are directed: when was the moment you started thinking about them? Did you start having these fantasies as a result of some problem or wear and tear in the relationship? What is it about this person that you find attractive? How do you imagine your encounters with her? How is she similar/different from your partner?
- Once the above questions have been posed, try to go one step further: is the protagonist of your fantasies covers deficiencies in your relationship? If you do not find satisfaction with your partner, whether due to arguments, routine, lack of communication, etc., it is possible that you are resorting to these fantasies to fill in these gaps.
- When you have a clear answer to the previous question, ask yourself what would happen If your partner covered such deficiencies or the problems will be solved. What role would the third or third person play? Would it keep the role relevant in your fantasies? A useful strategy is to remember a happy moment from the past you experienced with your partner. If you could go back to that special moment, would you still have fantasies about someone else?
- Support: When problems come, in moments of restlessness, anxiety, loneliness, sadness, who do you turn to? Who would you like to support you?
- Decision: Once all the above information has been compiled, you have the essential details that will help you make a decision. We are facing a turning point, in which the actions to be carried out can be very complicated and require time, or on the contrary, leave us surprised by the relative ease of moving forward without looking back. You can choose a person, your current partner or the protagonist of your fantasies. But this is not the only option: if after this process the boredom is such that you feel torn and cannot choose, perhaps it is a good time to be alone and . In any case, the important thing is not so much the option you choose as the benefits it brings you in the long term.
- Be sincere with your partner. Whether you decide to fight for your relationship or plan to move on, it is important to adopt an empathetic stance with their feelings.
- If you decide to start a new relationship With the third person, try not to judge or blame your ex. Nor are there words or a miraculous method to avoid pain. When faced with a separation, sadness is practically inevitable, but if done delicately, grieving the breakup can be resolved in less time and its negative consequences will decrease. In which case, this article where you will find .
- Don’t blame yourself for what happened. If you have acted honestly and bravely, you did the right thing, whatever the outcome.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Meyers, S. (2010). Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve. Simon and Schuster.
- Perel, E. (2007). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. New York, NY: Harper.