We all know difficult people, people who seem to be permanently dissatisfied, irritated, who behave rigidly based on their beliefs and do not tolerate a different opinion, who are inflexible, intransigent and insist on being right, who always seem to be right. They focus on the negative aspects and are anchored in criticism. It’s easy to let these behaviors get to us and ruin our day. Some people with these problems are very unhappy and can’t find a way to get to a better place. Others seem to think it’s the rest of the world that has a problem and don’t seem very motivated to change. Either way, if you have someone like this you have to deal with, you may be wondering how to go about managing the situation.
In this Psychology-Online article, we explain 10 tips so you know what to do when a person makes you nervous.
Look first at yourself
First of all, to deal with difficult people it is important be aware of our own behavior patterns and the factors that can generate intense emotions in us. In these cases, the most effective tool to ensure that the situation does not escalate is to pause to recognize and observe our own emotional and physical reactions.
Before responding to someone who has made you nervous, try to reflect on aspects such as the emotions you are feeling, where they are located, if you feel rushed, or if you feel like responding in a way that you will most likely regret later. . Sometimes we are the difficult people, even without knowing it. Therefore, it is very important reflect on your behaviorespecially if you observe these patterns of difficult interactions at different times in your life.
Questioning oneself can be difficult, but it will help us grow. For this reason, instead of waiting for others to change, it is more effective to work on ourselves. It is important to remember that we cannot control others, but we can choose our response and make decisions accordingly.
Keep calm
It seems difficult to stay calm when we have to deal with a person who does not seem to respond to logic, who makes irrational demands, who addresses you in a bad manner, or who criticizes you in a non-assertive manner. However, it is not impossible and it can be very helpful to make an effort to maintain your composure.
If you respond reactively right away, you may get caught up in the stress of the moment and your judgment will be skewed. Additionally, there is a good chance that the person will feel attacked and the conflict will escalate. For this reason, when you get angry with someone and get nervous, try to control your breathing. At these moments, try taking some slow, deep breaths. Here you will find some.
On the other hand, another option to stay calm when a person makes you nervous and avoid saying something that you may regret later is count slowly to ten. Most of the time, by the time you have reached ten you will have found a better way to communicate and thus reduce the problem instead of aggravating it. If you’re still nervous after counting to ten, take a rest if possible and revisit the conversation later.
Actively listen
Active listening is one of the best ways to resolve conflict, since everyone wants to feel heard. You will not be able to reach an agreement if the other person does not feel recognized. Thus, try to understand their position and what could have happened. As you listen, really focus on what the other person is saying instead of preparing your response.
Keep in mind that you don’t always know what the other person is going through and it is likely that if they are upset it is because they feel some type of vulnerability or fear. Understanding what’s behind their reaction will help you manage the situation. In the following article you will find more information about the.
Don’t be quick to judge
When a person makes us nervous, it is common that they generate some type of rejection in us and we tend to label them. However, behind the irritability and criticism that upsets us there is usually a need that has not been met and that the person is trying to express.
As we’ve mentioned before, we’ll never really know what’s wrong if we don’t ask. For this reason, don’t rush to judge, since irritable and uncompromising people are often the unhappiest. When you are faced with this type of situation, try to ask yourself what this person really wants, why they are so upset or what they need that they have not achieved and express through discomfort.
In other words, try reframe the person’s behavior and replace “unpleasant and aggressive” with “self-centered” or “insecure”, or “cold and calculating” with “incapable of showing emotions.” Take note of the subjective terms you use because they are often based on prejudices, and change them to more objective and less critical ones. By developing a more realistic view of what is happening with the person, you will be able to deal with him or her more effectively.
Don’t disrespect
Conflicts with a difficult person can become problematic situations when they escalate, and the more the situation escalates, the more fearful, stressed, and nervous you will be about future interactions. Therefore, your goal with anyone who annoys you or makes you nervous should be tomake sure you don’t make things worse.
Even if the other person behaves unassertively and even with bad manners, showing contempt and disrespect will not help you resolve the situation effectively. Treat them with respect and dignity and don’t lose sight of your values no matter how much the person makes you nervous.
Don’t return anger with more anger. Raising your voice, pointing fingers, or speaking disrespectfully to the other person will only add fuel to the fire. On the contrary, the most convenient thing in this type of situation is use a calm and calm tone of voice and resort to good words. At the same time, do not try to speak over your interlocutor, allow him to express himself and wait until he finishes to express your point of view assertively.
Listen and ask questions
Accusing or pointing fingers usually makes things worse, so try to resist the temptation to fight to win the argument, because although doing so may be momentarily gratifying, the problem will remain in the long run. Instead, try making a comment like, “Tell me more so I can understand things better.”
Listen and ask questions instead of accusing someone leads to better results. Therefore, try to transform the nervousness triggered by the other person’s behavior into curiosity. Try to find out what is behind the words or behaviors that make you nervous, what motivates them, what has happened to make the person act like this, if it is their usual way of reacting or if something has happened that has upset them, among other things.
The more curious you are and the more you want to learn, the less the other person will focus on what caused them to be irritable and focus their attention more on what you are asking. If you pick up on her discomfort with interest, you will be able to manage the situation more effectively.
Recognize your part in the situation
The people who irritate us and make us nervous often also teach us lessons. So maybe you need to ask yourself: What is this person bringing out in me that I don’t want to see? For example, when you are around a person who is always irresponsible, they may remind you of times in your life when you have been irresponsible, too.
Even if you are nervous about something the other person has done, responsibility is usually shared and you have often also contributed to the situation. Thus, reflect on your own behavior and what has happened in your interactions. In these cases, you can ask yourself questions such as how you contributed to the situation, whether you let him know from the beginning that something was bothering you, or whether you behaved in any way that could have hurt the other person.
Communicate how you feel and why you are nervous and don’t wait for the other person to read your mind. Also, recognize your part in the conflict and assume your part of responsibility. Sometimes we may unintentionally offend someone without even realizing it, but the situation can be resolved more effectively when disagreements are allowed to come to the surface.
Don’t get defensive
When dealing with difficult people, our immediate impulse may be to jump to our own defense. It is normal to try to defend ourselves when faced with unpleasant words or when someone says things about you that are not true and for your immediate reaction to be “I can’t stand these insulting comments that make no sense.”
However, learn to respond It is as important as learning to listen. If you give in to the feeling of injustice and respond defensively, you are very likely to regret it later, since highly emotional defensive reactions are not based on deliberate reflection.
In fact, this way of responding can make you lose sight of your larger goals, such as maintaining your job or your relationship. We want to prove ourselves right, but doing so out of anger and intolerance can hinder your long-term goals.
How to manage nerves
To deal with a difficult person and manage your nervous state, you must learn to question your automatic defense mechanisms like “no one talks to me like that,” “I’m not going to let you get away with this,” or “my reputation is at stake.” Resisting the trap that difficult-to-treat people set for us is easier when you are aware of your vulnerabilities when you feel attacked.
On the other hand, it is very useful to know your instinctive reactions of fight, flight or paralysis when you feel threatened, and not participate in a conflict that will not bring you anything. However, this does not mean that you should not defend yourself. It is important to assert your opinions, but without the need to remain “above” the other at all costs. Remind yourself of your long-term goals: save time, energy and conflicts.
Set limits
While some of the advice above encourages listening and letting the irritable person vent, the truth is that you also have the right to set assertive boundaries and not allow anyone to treat you badly.
Here are some steps you can follow to effectively set limits when you are nervous:
- Identify your limits: It is important to know what makes you nervous or what you are not willing to tolerate. It may be helpful to make a list of your…