In this Psychology-Online article, we explain What can you do if your son doesn’t accept your new partner?what behaviors can be seen in it and how to solve it.
Children, when the bond between their parents is broken, often tends to view it as something very bad, they think that this new person is going to steal their mom and dad’s love or that they are going to abandon them. We will take into account that for them the family is the space where they feel safe and comfortable, it is their comfort zone, if this is broken everything wobbles. We must have patience, understanding and a lot of empathy.
There are several factors why your partner and your child do not get along and they can vary in how traumatic a separation can be, among them: the child’s age, personality, maturity, sensitivity, how we approach the problem, how it was. the current relationship with their parents, etc.
How can my son react to the arrival of my new partner?
These are some of the behaviors or reactions What your child may suffer from when a new partner arrives in your life:
- Rejection and hatred towards your partner.
- Anxiety.
- Lack of respect (especially in older children).
- Constant calls for attention.
- Tantrums.
- Jealousy.
- Isolation.
- Nightmares.
- Agitation or depressive traits.
- A lot of attachment or, on the contrary, little attachment.
- Irritation about everything.
- Decreased appetite.
- In young children there may be behavioral regressions: wetting the bed, wanting a bottle…
The advice we offer in the article may help you.
My son doesn’t accept my partner: what do I do?
Verbalize the problem
First of all, we must verbalize the problem. We must see the child as a competent and active being in the world. We should not give less importance to a child’s problem than to an adult’s problem. We will explain that no one will try to replace either of us and we must also verbalize the needs we have as adults, the right to remake our lives. If the child feels that his concerns have never been taken into account or simply have never been given importance, he may now not know that he can do it. We will try to convey to him that dad and mom are at his side so that he can express himself and express his concerns without being judged or belittled for being a child.
Have patience
Must give it time, have patience. Children have the right not to accept everything at the first try. As adults, there are things or situations that we simply don’t like or that it takes us longer to accept. Exactly the same thing happens to them and it is important not to impose anything just because. Rationalize and understand the child. If we give them the ability to question themselves and see what they like or don’t like, we are giving them the opportunity to build their own personality and identity.
We will not force them to show affection, we will not force them to kiss or hug our new partner. They will be the ones who will choose when they want to start showing her affection towards her.
Dialogue
Before introducing your new partner, talk about your relationship with your son as fluidly as possible. Explain and prepare the ground before a meeting, so you can see his reaction and whether it is a good time to present it or not. We will also have to be sure that the relationship is stable, it may simply not be the time yet and we can wait to do it.
Plan meetings
For the child to leave getting acquainted with the new couple, we can make plans together, a specific plan that he loves. If we integrate the new couple into an environment where the child feels in their comfort zone and is comfortable, their approval will be easier. At first, he may go for days, be fine for days, and have behavioral regressions for days. It’s totally normal. We must give time.
Change the focus of our gaze
See beyond and change the focus of our gaze. When a child gets angry or throws a tantrum, he doesn’t do it just because. Every behavior has a reason behind it, which we do not see. To help understand it, we can imagine an iceberg: the tantrum is what is seen, what sticks out of the water, and what is under the water we can understand as the reason for the tantrum or anger (insecurities, misunderstanding, fears, emotional lack of control , etc.). We can use this method for all types of conflict, there is always something behind bad behavior or a call for attention.
Especially in younger children, we will try to habits and routines do not be too affected, especially if the new couple joins daily life together. Children need routines, routines give them stability and when these are affected, some difficulty may be added to the separation itself.
Do not argue in front of the child
Children find it distressing to see their parents arguing, as we have mentioned before, for him, it is his comfort zone. We will try to make the separation as natural as possible and if it is not possible, we will not argue in front of him.
How do I act with my new partner when faced with the problem?
It plays a very important role at this point, since we adults must be the ones to take charge of the problem and agree on how we face it. We will have to share how we feel and what we want for our child.
First of all, it is very important establish some roles. You do not have to occupy roles to which you do not correspond. The way our partner intervenes in our child’s education, like everything, has to be progressive and gradual. We must avoid it being an invasive intervention. There will be authority on her part but always respecting limits, the child may feel invaded in his own home by a person he identifies as a “stranger” and cause rejection. These limits are what we must set and agree upon together depending on the circumstances.
We must also transmit to our partner the way in which we have educated our child, the methodology and what values we want to transmit to him, since this must continue to be as we choose.
If there is something that we don’t like or that doesn’t seem right to us, it is important to talk to our partner; if, on the contrary, we internalize the concerns, we will cause more problems.
In conclusion…
One can be a very difficult time for children and if not handled properly it can be traumatic. Carried out in a respectful way and with a lot of fluid and honest communication, assertiveness, understanding and empathy, we can make it more bearable for them.
Acting with common sense, being aware of what we as adults would like or not like, can help us understand what the child is going through. Likewise, to check if the value we are giving to your feelings and your way of expressing how you feel is the best. Change the focus of our gaze, see beyond.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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