In all human relationships there is conflict and, therefore, it will also be present in moments of our relationship. We must understand that conflict often arises from differences and since no two people are the same, it is inevitable, intrinsic to human relationships. Even so, we must keep in mind that, despite being inevitable, we can decide how we act or the reaction we have to it. We have the ability as people to decide how we handle ourselves and confront conflict. From a healthy discussion we can emerge stronger, we can establish negotiations and share points of view. When the conflict is very repetitive and we enter a dynamic in which we do not know how to get out of the discussions, we must review certain aspects of the relationship. In the next Psychology-Online article we will talk about Why does my partner get angry at everything and what to do?.
Why does my partner get angry at everything?
Below we explain the causes of continuous anger in the couple:
Stress
Stress is a state that puts our body on alert, which leads to more lability and irascibility. If your partner is going through a period of great stress, this may be the reason for the arguments. Even so, you must make yourself respected and, although your partner may be going through a period of stress, you are not responsible for that and you must tell them. It may help you to know.
Bad communication
Communication is the basis of a relationship. Poor communication with your partner can be a source of many conflicts and arguments. The person who gets angry about everything perhaps has a way of communication that makes it difficult for him to express what he wants and feels and that makes him angry, since he does not understand himself with the rest of the people. Here you will find .
Unmet need
Perhaps poor communication has led to the person not knowing how to express that there is something they miss in your relationship. Since he does not know how to express that perhaps sometimes feels neglectedwho feels that you are not in the way that he or she would like or does not feel as important as he or she would like, his or her way of expressing it is with anger without much basis or that does not end up being constructive.
Different coping styles
That can be one of the sources that causes arguments in couples. Perhaps one part of the couple always avoids arguing and, as we have said, conflicts, if resolved, can be healthy and constructive for the couple. They help us change objectives and things that do not work for us, a conflict can be an opportunity for change if managed well. Perhaps one part of the couple always avoids entering into conflict and that makes the other part feel like they cannot express what they dislike and become even more angry.
Conflict with self
Maybe the conflict is not with the other person, but with yourself. Sometimes, internal conflicts are brought to light in the form of anger at the other person. Sometimes, it is easier for us to admit that we have a conflict with someone external than to admit that we ourselves are the ones who have something happening to us but we don’t know how to express it.
Different values
It may happen that the values of one and the other are very different, so there are many issues, inside the relationship and outside, in which discrepancies win. If the person also has little empathy or it is difficult for him to understand that the person next to him may have a different vision of things, it may be that he is more susceptible to anger.
Low self-esteem
Self-esteem is the ability that allows us to value ourselves. If this is diminished, it can be a source of discomfort and, therefore, a precursor to possible anger and arguments. You don’t feel good about yourself and that creates insecurity about your relationships and even more so with your partner. Here you can see the .
Lack of emotional intelligence
Emotions are found in all human beings and therefore also in all the relationships we establish. Not recognizing some of the emotions can lead to more anger and poorer resolution of it. For example: on many occasions – especially more in men than in women – sadness is tried to be repressed and expressed with rage or anger. There are certain emotions that society has tended to inhibit and this causes people to have difficulties expressing what is truly happening to us. If the person does not recognize or manage emotions, it may happen that he uses anger or annoyance as a way to deal with these misunderstood emotions. Here you will find more information about the .
What to do when my partner gets angry
In order to resolve a conflict – if your partner gets angry about everything it can be one – it is important:
Do not interpret
On many occasions, when faced with a conflict our head begins to go around and around about what may be happening, and with every turn you take, a possible hypothesis appears. This fact can increase our discomfort and even cause us some anxiety. Try to collect the information you have at your disposal to know what may be happening but don’t make too many assumptions and interpretations and stick to what is concrete, in the event that you do not have enough information around you, you should seek more information by asking the other party.
Ask and reflect
As mentioned in the previous point, if we do not have information we do not know very well how to act. Therefore, it is important that, if our partner gets angry, we ask for feedback about what is happening to him and what may be generating the anger. This will provide us with more tools to know how we should approach anger. Let’s remember to use the . In addition, we must also collect information about ourselves, what is moving us this constant anger. For this, the next step is important, listening to him/her and listening to you.
Listen to you
When faced with conflict or anger, it is important to ask yourself:
- What feelings does that anger awaken in me?
- What position do I have regarding anger?
- What do I want to convey to the other person?
Last but not least, if your partner is constantly angry with you and you do not feel comfortable in that situation, you should also reflect and communicate it. We see it below:
Value you
Assess whether the dynamic of the relationship is a dynamic that helps you grow, that makes you feel good, comfortable to express what you feel or, on the contrary, it makes you uncomfortable and you feel that no matter what you do, your partner will not fully understand you and He’s going to be angry all the time. It is about taking stock, being clear about the priorities and needs that you want to have covered in a relationship and whether these are and are compatible or not with those of the other person.
Express your opinion
It is important that, even if our partner gets angry, we have the opportunity to express how all this makes us feel and where we want the relationship to go. Set limits and express what we feel.
How to solve anger as a couple
To overcome anger in the couple and so that the relationship can emerge stronger from the conflict, we can use the following guidelines:
Assertive communication
The communication we use to resolve conflicts is very important. Assertive communication is the skill that allows us to express our feelings and needs, but being careful not to hurt or offend the other. It protects us from our own rights and, in turn, allows us to respect the rights of others. In this article we explain.
Approach techniques
- Five qualities task: this involves both parties making a list of five qualities that you value in the other person.
- Spend time: Find a moment a day, it shouldn’t be a long time (10-15 minutes), to be together and notice what things the other person does that make you feel satisfied or grateful, and how positively they react to it.
- Focus the radar on the positive: Sometimes it may happen that the couple has ended up focusing only on those negative interactions that the other person makes. Perhaps it is time to try to change that dynamic and try to focus on what triggers pleasurable situations. It may be useful to write down everything that our partner does that brings us happiness.
Problem resolution
The person must expose what causes the conflict, so they must introspect to identify what has caused the anger. Next, the person must look for solutions to this: do a brain storming of possible resolutions. Finally, evaluate each of the proposed solutions, their pros and cons and choose one to resolve the conflict.
Couple therapy
An option when entering into dynamics where one part of the couple is constantly angry is to seek professional help and go to couples therapy. Here you can see more information about .
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Beyebach, M.; Herrero, M. (2010). 200 tasks in brief therapy. Spain: Herder.
- Cañete, EP, & Novas, FP (2012). Resolution of relationship conflicts in adolescents, sexism and emotional dependence.
- Morfa, J.D. (2003). Prevention of relationship conflicts. Brouwer’s Desclée