Jealousy arises as a consequence of thinking that “I can lose this valuable thing that is mine”, and the pain generated by the fear of losing the love of the loved one as a consequence of the relationship established with another person.
It is important to differentiate normal jealousy from pathological ones.
For this we can distinguish, on the one hand, the type of STIMULUS that triggers them and on the other, the REACTION when we feel it.
For the first point, let’s take the example of a couple relationship. If I feel jealous when I see my wife passionately kissing a man, that’s one thing; if I feel them watching her kindly greet a co-worker, that’s quite another.
To clarify the second point: when I feel jealous I can react with intense violence and commit a crime of passion or I can open a dialogue with my partner at an appropriate moment in which I can recognize and include this emotion with clarity and respect.
These situations clearly show two extremes and, between them, lies the whole range of intermediate possibilities.
In short: the smaller the stimulus and the more intense and destructive the reaction, the more pathological the jealousy.
We feel jealous in relation to those areas in which we feel most insecure and that can be affection (in all types of relationships), the intellectual area, job recognition, etc.
Jealousy can generate a self-fulfilling prophecy, because if the jealous person produces reactions that damage the bond, it is this deterioration that causes distancing.
The most important cause of jealousy is the feeling of self worthlessness. I can feel rejection towards some of my own characteristics. That rejection is normal and can generate learning and growth in that characteristic that I don’t like. What causes problems is the way of feeling that rejection. If the rejection manifests itself as self-reproach and disqualification, the inevitable consequence is that I feel worthless towards myself.
When I live in that inner atmosphere it will be hard for me to believe that someone values me. This is, without a doubt, a difficult situation that produces a lot of dissatisfaction because I need others to show me with their actions that I am valuable, and I become a slave to their opinions… and when the reassurance comes I find it hard to believe it, because I tell myself : «They do this because they don’t know me, if they knew me like I know myself they wouldn’t do it…».
This state is one of psychological weakness, and I will then be predisposed to take any ambiguous situation as confirmation of that suspected and feared lack of love. This is how pathological jealousy is generated.
Devaluation and emotional dependence are the deep psychological causes of excessive jealousy, and until jealousy is resolved, it will continue because it is its consequence. Healing arises when we learn to reject ourselves in a resolute way, which manages to effectively transform what we dislike about ourselves, without harming ourselves. It is learning and, as such, it is a process that requires time and adequate support.
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