This and other questions about heartbreak and ‘tusa’ were resolved by two psychologists from . Pay attention.
We spoke with Juan Felipe Zamora and Sebastian Palomo, two psychologists from Because I Want to Be Well, about heartbreak, the ‘tusa’ and the ways in which people cope with a breakup. Do you think you need help with the topic? Follow these tips:
PQEB: Are there different types of ‘tusa’?
Dr. Juan Felipe: Whenever we talk about a loss in general, in this case a romantic partner, we refer to grief. Grief is generally classified as natural and problematic or prolonged.
Grief is a process that many people go through when we face a loss. It is normal to experience anxiety, sadness, thoughts of defeat and not-so-pleasant sensations. When we refer to problematic grief, it is because this type of sensation lasts too long and prevents carrying out daily activities at work, in interaction with others, and even generates problems with the family.
PQEB: How long can a ‘tusa’ last?
Dr. Sebastian: It is important to be clear that our emotional ties are marked by a neurobiological process, so when we start a relationship with someone, our attachment system is biologically driven.
Our brain is programmed to count on that person and seek permanent contact, it gives them a privileged place, it is as if the heart opened completely, and that person plays a fundamental role in regulating our emotions.
All this happens because since childhood we are predisposed to bond emotionally with others, so it is totally understandable that when a relationship ends we suffer from something called separation anxiety, in that sense, our brain begins to search for a lot of hormones and neurotransmitters that will make us want to maintain contact with that person, that we look at their states, whether they are connected or not. These are all attempts by our brain to maintain the connection with that person.
Go through grief
There are appropriate ways to go through grief, the most important thing is to accept that it is happening, that these feelings of sadness and pain are normal. Many times what we deny, hide or repress takes over us, operates at a subconscious level and dominates us. The most important thing is to accept that love is a free and daily choice. Part of the process of a relationship is that at some point the goals are incompatible.
Work on gratitude, thank the other for what we have experienced, work on compassion and self-compassion, try to understand the other and ourselves. It is not necessary to punish ourselves in our minds with thoughts such as: “why was I so stupid?”, “why did I let him go?”, it is not necessary, we must be compassionate with ourselves and work on forgiveness towards the other and towards ourselves. All of these opportunities are situations for improvement; they can teach us about ourselves and to love others more easily. Not feeling stuck in that moment depends a lot on how we interpret it in our mind and how we are getting it out: do we believe ourselves to be a victim or do we see the situation as a learning opportunity?
PQEB:Is the ‘tusa’ experienced differently between men and women?
Dr. Sebastian: From the biological component, through our emotional bonding system, all human beings have it, it is a fundamental human need from the time we are babies until death, however, culturally I do believe that there are things that can affect this perception.
We live in societies that are sexist and sexism not only affects women, but also men. There are perspectives that do not allow men to go through their grief easily, such as the phrases that say: “men don’t cry”, “why is he going to cry over that xxx”, all of this makes it difficult to go through grief. Biologically, men feel it the same, yes, we feel loss, separation anxiety, grief and from that component we all feel the same.
PQEB: How to assume that the other person already has a new love?
Dr. Juan Felipe: As there is no established time in which a breakup must be overcome, since it can be 1, 2 or 3 months, depending on each person, it can be thought that when the other person already has a new boyfriend/girlfriend it is because they want to start a new project or because you want to stop feeling sad. Everyone assumes it in a different way and as a culture we have to understand that, many people suffer because they think that they were looking for a replacement, but it is not known for sure if they faced their grief or are, on the contrary, avoiding very strong discomfort, so It depends on each person. More than worrying about how the other is doing, we should worry about how we are dealing with our breakup. It is healthy? What the other does is not our responsibility, fault, or problem.
Tips to release the pain that is experienced in the ‘tusa’:
- Keep doing important things for yourself
- Vent it, write it down, cry it out, allow yourself to feel it and support yourself with others.
- Don’t use alcohol as a way to avoid discomfort
- Be grateful for what you have experienced, gratitude is powerful
- Look at what you learned and what that relationship left you and take it
- Wish the other person happiness, don’t be infatuated with hating them, wish them well
You can watch the full interview here, conducted through Facebook: