, psychologist and transpersonal therapist; specialist in therapy of the unconscious, considers that a relationship is like a building and that without good foundations or pillars, it is exposed to failure. For that reason, being clear about the basic pillars in a relationship helps build a solid building.
López indicates that they are built from the beginning of a relationship, when both people are getting to know each other. “In this first stage I recommend not being completely blinded by those intense feelings that ariseand that of course we must enjoy, but without turning us into blind, deaf and mute people in the face of evidence of fundamental pillars that fail or are absent,” he adds.
The communication
Through it, conflicts are resolved, agreements are reached, intimacy is shared and the other is known in depth. Along with understanding, they must flow and occur bilaterally from the beginning of the relationship, as it is the best time for it to develop and strengthen.
Keep in mind that it is a thermometer of quality and happiness and, it brings with it a multitude of advantages as a lifesaver in the face of problems, misunderstandings or emotional distancealthough this does not mean that you will not face arguments and misunderstandings.
A couple that is governed by negative, harmful communication and lacks listening and empathy, It will turn conflicts into obstacles that cannot be overcome and will remain as residues that will end up damaging the relationship.
López explains that he distinguishes two types: adult confidence and child confidence.
“When we are little we blindly trust our parents as protective and reliable figures, like gods who will never fail us. We see and feel them as infallible people, which is why their mistakes cause emotional wounds that we subsequently need to overcome,” he explains.
In some cases The trust we place in our partner is like the one we felt as a child, we think and hope that they will never fail us, that at all times they act in the way we expect without making mistakes., but in real life and in adult life it doesn’t happen. Our partner fails and thereby hurts us.
On the other hand, adult trust believes in the other as a sincere and honest person who does not lie, deceive, or hide and goes far beyond knowing that they will be faithful. “You achieve confidence that what you communicate, what you express verbally and emotionally is sincere, does not falsify or theatricalize,” adds López.
That is exactly the trust we should look for in a relationship: realistic, mature and honest.
Other Guarantee of quality in a relationship is synchronicity, similarity and affinity in the sense that there is coincidence in values and life project. López talks about two scenarios to analyze:
– The first in which one of the parties has wanted to have children all their life, but the other party has never considered it and has planned another life formula.
– Or think of a couple, in which one of the parties has been preparing for years to obtain a good job, and thereby acquire the house of their dreams, and the other party is an adventurous person who is planning to take a vacation. two years to go around the world living just enough. Both situations can end badly, right?
There are couples who in the early phases of the relationship do not pay attention to such relevant differences because they may believe that the other will give up and they do not visualize that this lack of affinity in the future seriously hinders a relationship.
In fact, it is a fact that can open unbridgeable gaps. Life as a couple is much more pleasant when both have the same vision and values, converge and walk in the same direction.
When we talk about respect, we refer to support and actions that make life easier, while when it corresponds to care, we think about protecting well-being, providing comfort, and contributing to the growth of another.. If this does not exist, an emotional imbalance occurs that causes a series of discomforts and finally the relationship deteriorates.
That is why it is so important respect the essence, freedom and rights of the couple in all its dimensions, because by doing so one of the fundamental pillars is forged to have a relationship full of calm and peace. Do you feel safe when there is care and protection?
If one of the two members of the couple constantly criticizes the other’s family, shows disagreement when going out with their friends or does not support them when faced with a problem or dream, they are deconstructing the relationship. Caring and respecting is one of the greatest signs of love.
Physical contact, closeness, expressions of appreciation, desire, interest and desire must be kept alive because they nourish and enrich the feelings that one day arose.. Not with the same frequency and intensity that they experienced at the beginning of the relationship, but they must occur, as a commitment is established.
“We have understood this commitment as the intention to maintain the relationship in the long term, but it is much more effective and enriching for love to commit to doing something every day for the couple.to show pleasure, gratitude, interest and desire, even if it is with small gestures,” López emphasizes.
Hugging your partner, telling him that he smells good or that his skin is soft is enough to show desire, it is not necessary to have a lustful encounter every day. It all depends on the emotional styles, the peculiarities and tastes of the couple. The most important thing is that both continue to feel looked at, desired and cared for.