To understand what the love of a drug addict is like, you have to take into account a series of aspects that we will show you below.
Substances change people
Addiction is a disorder of the brain’s reward circuitry that impairs self-control and a person’s ability to make decisions for your own benefit. These changes cannot be reversed overnight and it requires time and constant effort to establish new patterns of thinking and behavior to replace the old ones, dominated by intense desires to consume and obtain the drug.
When someone falls into an addiction, the person they love disappears, at least until the affected individual begins to treat their problem. The person you remember may have been kind, funny, generous, and loving, but now they are acting selfish, rude, and irritable. It takes a while to adjust to this new reality and it is very normal to respond to the addicted person as if they were who they were before.
Addiction and deception go hand in hand
People who are around addicts tend to respond to the person they remember, which makes it so easy for them to fall into manipulations and betrayal. Furthermore, another way in which addiction manifests itself is through lying, which protects the disease and perpetuates it.
Understanding this reality does not mean that you should accept the lie, but rather that you must understand where it comes from so that you stop taking it personally. Only then can you avoid pain and resentment. In this article, we explain to you.
Addicts do not follow the same logic as other people.
When an addiction takes hold, the person’s reality is distorted. For this reason, you can’t convince her to see things the way you see them. Lying about consumption is a way of survival for addicts. Real change will come when there is absolutely no other option but to leave the addiction behind, not from your attempts to provide them with information or from logic.
In general, people tend to avoid changes in their lives until we feel uncomfortable enough with the previous situation to open ourselves to a different option. In the case of substance addiction, this tendency is extreme, so until the moment in which losses occur social, emotional or economic, or the pain caused by addiction does not drive change, they will continue using.
Drugs provide momentary benefits to addicts, until the effect wears off and they need to resort to the substance again. In this way, addicts resort to any means to avoid the adverse effects of withdrawal.
How long do the effects of addiction last?
The changes in the brain responsible for these maladaptive behaviors can persist for months or even years as a consequence of consumption. As a result, you end up making decisions for the person and, in most cases, they are very different from those you would have made in a state of sobriety. For this reason, when the addict begins to recover, he will feel guilt and shame.
These feelings have been masked and hidden for a long time, so you are suddenly hit with a wave of overwhelming feelings that you must deal with. It is then that, under these conditions, addicts can love people.
When they are ready to recover from their illness, take responsibility for their actions, validate the negative impact their consumption has had on others, and try to repair the pain causedThen, you can start building a healthy relationship with your partner.
How to set limits for an addicted person
If you have a relationship with an addict, the boundaries you will have to set will be stricter than they are with other people in your life. Setting limits will prevent reinforcing substance use and can help you not feel constantly frustrated or angry with your partner’s addiction.
It is common for loved ones of people with addiction problems to feel guilty when setting boundaries. Still, setting limits firm, but with loveis one of the greatest demonstrations of love, since it means that you value the person and the relationship enough to want to prevent it from being destroyed by alcohol or drug abuse.
On the contrary, downplaying the problem will only make the addict’s behavior worse, since there will be no consequences if they are able to cross any boundaries. Ultimately, it is important be clear about the consequences of overstepping boundaries. Make sure you respect and maintain them so as not to cause confusion.
Next, we will show you some tips on how to act if your partner uses drugs and/or alcohol.
1. Accept reality
When we face an overwhelming and painful reality, denial is a way to protect yourself to not face her. Although it may seem easier to pretend that everything is fine, this will only allow your partner to continue using without any consequences for their behavior and, therefore, they will have no reason to stop their addiction.
2. Set limits
Boundaries are expectations or agreements established between the couple to know which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. As we mentioned above, boundaries are very important because they protect your personal health and well-being. This way, you are more likely to be able to help your partner, since you will feel better in the relationship.
In addition, limits can also be shaped over time depending on the circumstances. It’s okay to say no to behaviors you may have agreed to in the past. Some examples of common limits that can be agreed upon through conversations with your partner are:
- Do not allow the consumption of alcohol and other drugs at home.
- Do not come home under the influence of substances.
- Do not allow friends who consume alcohol or other drugs into the house.
- Lack of communication when intoxicated. (No calls, text messages, etc.)
3. Know the difference between help and permissiveness
In general, it is normal to help the people we love when they need it, but there is a difference between helping and permissiveness. Help strengthens the person in their recoverywhile permissiveness reinforces addiction.
Helping takes into account the long-term effects, benefits and consequences of withdrawal and recovery. Instead, Permissiveness provides immediate relief, overlooking the long-term negative consequences. Providing money, housing, or abandoning healthy boundaries are some forms of permissiveness that will keep the addiction alive. The easier it is for you to maintain your addiction, the less reason you will have to recover from it.
4. Don’t minimize the addiction
Being in a relationship with an addict is an extremely complicated and difficult situation, and often your responses to your partner’s behaviors can lead to guilt, pain, and self-doubt. It’s easy to feel judged for withdrawing support, but sometimes this is the only possible response. When this happens, it’s important to remind your partner that when they decide to do things differently, your arms will be open.
Likewise, do not minimize the addiction, do not ignore it, do not justify it or cover it up. This is not the way, as it stands in the way of your healing, protecting you from the consequences that your addiction generates. Also, do not let yourself be carried away by lies or guilt. Your partner may get angry or sad, but sooner or later they will understand that their behaviors are no longer valid due to your determination.
5. Don’t blame him for his addiction
Remember that addiction is a mental health problem. Addiction is already heavily steeped in shame and guilt. Therefore, avoid blaming your boyfriend/girlfriend for her addiction, since blaming the addict for her situation will not provide solutions and will only add more suffering. If you want to better understand how addiction works, we recommend reading this article about .
6. Don’t try to “solve” him
Understand the difference between what you can do (change your way of thinking or the things you do) and what you cannot change (your partner or anyone else, in general). If you have an emotional bond with a person who has an addiction, you should know that the fact that they stop using and that recovery is your responsibility.
You cannot “fix” or “solve” their problem. The only thing you can do is help ease their pain with your love, understanding, and, of course, setting healthy boundaries.
7. Educate yourself
If you want to help your partner, it is very important to understand substance use and the resources available. By doing this, not only you will be more qualified to make better decisionsbut you will also be informed when your partner decides they are ready to seek help.
Some important aspects to learn about substance addiction are the biological foundations of the addiction and the brain changes they produce or environmental triggers such as consumption partners and availability of substances, etc.
Additionally, it is also important to familiarize yourself with the appropriate terms, as this will avoid stigmatizing language. Thus, you will be able to communicate better with your partner and address their condition more constructively.
8. Relapses are possible
Addiction is not a linear disease, but is full of ups and downs. Try to pay attention to your partner’s progress, don’t look for perfection. Don’t see a step back as a failure. Recovery never happens in a linear forward fashion and steps backwards are part of the process. During addiction recovery, relapses are possible.
Although some people achieve long-term recovery on their first attempt, for others it may take several attempts over several years.
9. Seek help and don’t isolate yourself
Unfortunately, addictions to alcohol or other drugs today are still often accompanied by shame and stigma. It is normal for loved ones of an addict to tend to isolate themselves, however, this does not mean you should do it.
Talk to friends, family and people close to you. Share your experience with them and let them also take care of you and empathize with your discomfort. Besides, seek professional help and advice of specialists as soon as possible makes a difference.
10. Don’t forget about yourself
Just as it is the addict’s responsibility to identify their problem and get into treatment, it is also your responsibility. identify and satisfy your needs, concerns and discomfort. Suppressing this part of you will make you feel more exhausted, both emotionally and physically, which is harmful, both for you and for your partner and your relationship.
Without a doubt, not abandoning yourself is one of the most important things you can do for your partner. It is an act of love to offer you support in seeking available treatment options, while at the same time Don’t lose sight of what you need to…