People often seek therapy when they are in a life crisis situation. They know that they want to improve and that they must change their lives, but they are unable to get out of the pit in which they live. They are so influenced by their emotional discomfort that they cannot even imagine what it would be like to have a different life.
When they come to my office, I tell them that, to achieve the goal that have been marked when attending therapy, we must focus the attention of the therapeutic work in the small progress of each session, instead of focusing solely on the end goal.
Obviously, we always have in mind the ultimate goal of getting out of depression, controlling anxiety or eliminating a phobia, but instead of turning it into a new element that generates more stress, it is more profitable to leave it on “stand by”, without paying much attention to it, while we focus on advancing step by step.
It often happens that the initial goal that was set is modified and better defined as we progress with the therapeutic work. QWhoever goes to therapy usually ends up achieving much more than what was initially plannedsimply because his initial point of view was very negative and prevented him from seeing all the possibilities that were within his reach.
The factor that most influences this negative perception of the future is the previous configuration of our brain.
For example, a person who has lived since she was little on constant alert and with numerous anxiety attacks is not capable of imagining what it might be like to live a calm and balanced life. He just can’t think about it because he’s never had a reference. It would be like asking someone to imagine the color red if they have never seen it.
Why go little by little: a real example
Emma was in this situation when she began her therapy. From her early childhood, her self-esteem she had been continually bullied by her family and by school.
at home, always they compared her negatively with her cousins or with her classmates. Every initiative he had, big or small, was quashed and boycotted by his mother.
At school, they always marked everything he did wrong in red, but they never valued his effort or achievements.
Over time, little Emma ended up convinced that she was useless, unable to study and that he would never achieve anything important.
As an adult, Emma knew that she did not want to continue feeling this bad and that she wanted to be able to take control of her life, but she was continually doubting herself.
When he thought about starting a new business, his thought was catastrophic: “I won’t be able to. Not worth it”.
And when she reflected on how she was raising her children, she saw herself as the worst mother in the world: “I’m ruining their lives,” she told me.
From this point of view, at the beginning of his therapy, it was not productive to focus on the goals he wanted to achieve, his weakened self-esteem obscured everything. Thus, I suggested that she work little by little to understand how they had forged such a negative vision of herself; while we connected with herself and her true potential.
In each session, I took one essential small step forward.
- One day he understood that her mother had her own emotional flaws and that he was not able to accompany her emotionally.
- Another day, she was able to free herself from the negative messages her parents constantly told her.
- On another occasion, she was able to see how her teachers took out their own personal frustrations on her and she was able to free herself from those red marks in her notebook.
As we progress in therapy and Emma was freeing herself from her toxic patterns, it also changed his way of perceiving the world. He brought a different light into his darkness and he was able to see alternatives that he hadn’t even been able to consider before.
Define a goal step by step
Advancing step by step, He freed himself from that negative vision that he had at the beginning and began to see himself capable of starting an online business. Also, he gained the confidence to raise his children differently, even if it meant fighting with his family.
At the beginning of her therapy, Emma wanted to build her self-esteem and live better, but she couldn’t imagine how she could achieve it. With her constant therapy work, session by session, this objective was defined and materializing to reinforce his self-esteem, so that he was able to achieve much more than he could imagine at the beginning of his therapeutic work.