We live in a society that is predominantly immersed in a monogamous culture. This fact sometimes causes us to be faced with dilemmas that can cause us discomfort. One of them arises when we begin to feel attracted to people who have a partner.
Feeling attracted and, much more, falling in love with people who have a relationship with another person can generate unpleasant emotions such as frustration or sadness. In this Psychology-Online article we discuss this topic and how to manage it, so we give you some guidelines on what to do when you like someone and they have a partner.
How to know if he likes me even if he has a partner
The way in which we express our attraction or our romantic or sexual interest towards others depends on numerous individual variables. That is why knowing if another person likes you can become a complicated task. However, there may be certain signs in their way of relating to you that we explain below and can help you resolve your doubts. It is important that you do not take any of these signals in a decisive, isolated and decontextualized way, as they can lead you to misinterpret the other person’s intentions. How do I know if he is in love with me even if he has a girlfriend?
non-verbal language
Some of the related variables may be:
- Eye contact.
- Object manipulation (such as playing with a bracelet) or self-manipulation (such as touching your hair) during communication. In this article we talk about.
- Body posture (it will give you information about whether it is relaxed, whether it is uncomfortable, etc.)
- Distance and physical contact.
Type of contact you maintain
Pay attention to the times when he seeks contact with you (if he only does it when his partner is not around, it can make you suspicious of his intentions), who is looking for whom, etc.
What do you talk about?
The content of your conversations will be crucial if he likes you: if a lot of compliments and compliments appear in it, he is constantly trying to please you, learn things about you, etc.
Physiological changes
It is a group of variables that are difficult to identify, but keep in mind that when you are close there may be changes such as increased heart rate, changes in skin conductance or pupillary increase.
In this article, you can see several.
Stenberg’s triangular theory
Robert Stenberg proposes his theory of love in the shape of a triangle. In each of its angles there would be a component:
- Privacy: it would be what we popularly call trust.
- Commitment: that would determine the stability of the relationship.
- Passion: would correspond to physical or sexual attraction for the other person.
If the other person likes you, the passion must be present. If you only find commitment and intimacy, he will probably consider you a friend. How do you know if you like someone or it’s just friendship? Here you will find .
Why are you fooling around with me if you have a partner?
If by “fooling” we mean flirting, then we will be wondering why that person, even having a partner, shows a certain romantic or sexual interest in us. The boy I like has a girlfriend, but he flirts with me, why?
There may be many reasons, so the answer is not going to be easy to answer. If you sense that the person is flirting with you, then he is interested in you. Now, what type of interest? We offer you some possibilities that you can reflect on and that could make you think about the answer to your question.
You have an open relationship
In this type of relationship, the two members of the couple agree on the possibility of having relationships outside the couple itself, that is, the person who flirts with you is not in a monogamous relationship.
Your interest may be purely sexual
Whether in an open relationship or not, he may simply be looking for a sexual encounter with you. In Stenberg’s theory cited above you would only find the passionate component and there would be no intimacy or commitment.
You are not having a good time with your partner
In relationships there can be complicated and stressful moments: financial difficulties, recent motherhood and paternity (even more so if they are new), etc. The person you like and who has a partner may be going through a bad time and this may interfere with the commitment they have with their partner.
Another aspect that you can keep in mind is that he may be trying to make his partner jealous of you, which could even more likely appear in a moment of .
Is a person with histrionic or narcissistic traits
It’s possible that your crush simply “wants to like you” and doesn’t want anything more than that. Traits (in which the person continually seeks to be the center of attention and also uses physical appearance and a seductive nature to do so) or (in which the person has a great need for admiration) could also explain why you are perceiving that The person you like flirts with you.
She is in love or in love with you
This is also a possibility that you should consider, although you should not lose sight of the rest of the options that we are discussing. Be careful with this option, as it will be the one you want the most and you can establish cognitive biases and interpret their actions based on your desires in the form of a “self-fulfilling prophecy.”
You are not in love with your partner but there are ties that unite you.
The couple may not even be going through a bad time, they are simply no longer in love and continue to be a couple because there are elements that unite them such as financial problems, children or any circumstance that makes them value continuing to form the couple more positively. break up, regardless of your feelings.
Therefore, even if they continue to form a couple, they will no longer have a commitment of fidelity to each other and this may lead them to seek new partners and/or sexual relationships.
What to do if you like a person who has a partner
This decision concerns only you. Although we cannot tell you what to do and what decision to make, we can guide you through the process of solving your problem and making the best decision by following four steps.
Step 1: analyze the situation
The first thing you should do is assess and analyze the situation. To do this, we invite you to reflect on the following sections:
- Your emotional state. If the situation causes you discomfort (anxiety, sadness, etc.) you should consider distancing yourself from the person you like, trying to avoid physical or telephone contact.
- What are your preferences. Think about what you expect from the situation (having a relationship with this person, having sporadic sexual contact, etc.) and if all of this is feasible. Also think about what you are willing to do, for example: Would you have a sexual relationship with him or her knowing that she is not going to end her relationship?
- What type of relationship does the other person have with their partner?. The situation would not be the same if it is a happily married person, with a life plan with another person, than if it is an open couple.
- What does the other person expect from you?. Think or find out what the person you like wants: if they want to end their relationship and start another relationship with you, if they only like to flirt, etc.
Step 2: Brainstorm what you can do
Once you have analyzed the situation, you should think about what decisions you can make: share your feelings with the other person, say nothing and settle the story, wait for a certain moment to arrive, etc.
Step 3: evaluate the consequences of each decision and choose an option
The third step would consist of evaluating the consequences that your decision will have. Proposing to someone who flirts with you is not the same as to someone who has not shown interest in you. In the same way, proposing to your family member’s partner is not the same as proposing to a co-worker.
Now evaluate the consequences of each of them and choose the one with the best consequences or the one with the fewest negative consequences.
Step 4: be consistent with your decision
Finally, execute your decision and be consistent with it.
One of the possibilities is to keep distance from the person you like. This is an alternative that will be difficult for you to choose, since in the short term it can generate anxiety and enormous frustration. Some tips for when you like someone and you can’t have a relationship with them:
- Try to do pleasant activities that compensate for this discomfort.
- Implement relaxation techniques.
- Stay busy.
- Restrict physical and/or telephone contact as much as you can with him or her.
- Keep in mind the benefits that your decision will generate in the medium and long term.
- Above all, be consistent with your decision.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to What to do when you like someone and they have a partnerwe recommend that you enter our category.
Bibliography
- Hall, J.A., Carter, S., Cody, M.J., & Albright, J.M. (2010). Individual Differences in the Communication of Romantic Interest: Development of the Flirting Syles Inventory. Communication Quartely. 58 (4), 365-393.
- Mazadiego, TJ, Garcés, J. (2011). Love measured by the Stenberg Triangular Scale. Psycholatin, 22, 1-10
- Stanton SC, Campbell L, Loving TJ. Energized by love: thinking about romantic relationships increases positive affect and blood glucose levels. Psychophysiology. 2014 Oct;51(10):990-5. doi: 10.1111/psyp.12249. Epub 2014 Jun 13. PMID: 24924647
- Wade, T.J., Slemp, J. (2015). How to Flirt Best: The Perceived Effectiveness of Flirtation Techniques. Interperson. 9(1), 32-43 doi:10.5964/ijpr.v9i1.178