In recent years, couples living in different homes have proliferated, the so-called LAT (Living Apart Together) phenomenon, which affects all marital statuses with different sociodemographic and attitudinal characteristics. These couples without cohabitation consider themselves as such, but they do not usually live in the same home, this situation being independent of their marital status. Below, from Psychology-Online we will try to expose some of the aspects that they may be doing that your partner does not want to live with you and what to do about.
Why does my boyfriend or girlfriend become independent with me? Next we are going to see the different reasons why a couple does not want to live together:
Traditional obstacles
These refer to aspects such as the delay in the age of emancipation, the extension of studies, the difficulty in accessing the labor market and housing or to traditional family culture. In this sense, LAT couples would be an extension of the courtship in response to a series of social circumstances that would make coexistence difficult. This section also refers to those couples who are separated for work reasons or because they must care for an elderly family member.
Lifestyle
There are couples who, in a deliberate and consensual way, decide that they do not want to live under the same roof because They want to be in control of their time and space. but they don’t want to give up the advantages of life as a couple. The author Levin said that a relationship without regular cohabitation allows for combining autonomy and intimacy. In this section, apart from young couples who decide to adopt this LAT phenomenon, we would also find couples of older people, widows or very emotionally attached to their homes and their family relationships or also couples who do not want to make past mistakes, these usually have experienced several relationships and are reluctant to start a new relationship.
Women’s autonomy
Why does my girlfriend live alone and doesn’t want to live with me? This section refers to the fact that in terms of opportunities, women have improved their position in advanced societies with greater autonomy and equality. On many occasions, traditional cohabitation tends to require women to be more involved in household chores and this results in a loss of free time and independence. In this case, the LAT relationship would be established to correct this inequality. For some women it would be an ideal to allow greater female self-realization on the level of equality with the man.
Individualization theory applied to the family
We are social beings and as such we evolve with society. Currently, there is a trend to break with everything traditional. Relationships become much more flexible and private – there is no need to prove anything to anyone – the person has a greater capacity for choice, but, at the same time, greater risk: relationships become more insecure. In this theory of individualization, LATs pursue that the person preserves their identity, freedom and independence in your life as a couple.
Fear of compromise
There are people who have a certain fear of establishing ties that commit them in the long term and moving in together may be one of them. Taking this step implies take on more responsibilities in the relationship and perhaps the person is not yet ready for it. When the relationship starts to become too formal, the person becomes confused and takes a step back. Here we explain.
Disagreements
It may happen that the fact of moving in together is a point of conflict between both of you because you cannot agree on where to live. Perhaps you are both in your home close to your environment and work, moving means either that you both have to leave that environment or that one of you has to give up yours. This can cause many couples not to make the decision to undertake that journey together, because they means giving up too many advantages.
Loneliness as a habit
It may happen that one of the couple or both of you have long since become independent on your own and have become accustomed to your routines. Living together involves certain sacrifices and negotiations with the other person and perhaps it is one of the reasons that is stopping the couple from giving. that step together.
Lack of trust or security in the relationship
Indecision or lack of commitment to the partner may be one of the reasons that is holding back one part of the couple from taking the step. Taking a step like this in a couple represents a change and a transition for them, if there are doubts it may be that the person next to them does not seem ready to take that flight.
Attachment to the family of origin
Another reason why one part of the couple may not want to go live with the partner may be the comfort, in every sense, that the family offers. Taking that step could mean something you are not yet ready for.
Bawin-Legros and Gauthier stated in one of their studies on LAT that the key aspect is that it has been accepted or negotiated between the members of the couple themselves.
Once you have seen the reasons that can lead a couple to make the decision to maintain their relationship but not take the step of living together, you can ask yourself if perhaps one of them could be the reason and talk about it openly with your partner, express your points of view and try to reach an agreement with him or her.
In the event that you do not find any of the reasons stated above reflected, it is important ask the reason of that refusal. Your partner may be making excuses not to live together. It may happen that you find yourself in a different phase of the relationship, one part of the couple would already be prepared to take the step emotionally and, obviously the socioeconomic circumstances are in favor, but the other part is in another state and needs a little more time to take the step. Emancipating with a partner is a transition that represents an important change in a person’s life. To do this you must first:
- Be clear what do you want you.
- How far are you willing to negotiate (what are the things you are not going to allow and what you can accept).
- Talk to your partner openly of your decisions.
- Take decisions consistent with your way of being and thinking.
If the couple has established their LAT relationship in a consensual manner and has been accepted by both parties, the link can work perfectly. For example, in the Caribbean area, so-called “visiting reunions” are common; these refer to couples with or without children who do not cohabit but who maintain sexual-affective relationships. These relationships are publicly and socially recognized, with a certain degree of stability and imply both moral and emotional union.
In addition, certain advantages have been observed in LAT relationships, such as helping to maintain passion for longer, allowing one to miss the other and avoiding falling into routines, avoiding tensions derived from coexistence – manias, household chores, incompatible schedules – facilitates the management of the economy and in the event of a breakdown it facilitates this, since there are fewer goods to distribute. Even so, as mentioned above, both must have reached an agreement and having established rules to make it work, the most common are (although it depends on each couple):
- Being faithful, living in separate houses does not mean giving up fidelity.
- Develop trust and honesty with each other.
- Have common objectives.
- That the person feels part of your life, the partner, despite not living with you, should feel like a priority.