During the moments before and after a marital crisis, multiple feelings and emotions arise, which, due to their intensity, are difficult to manage: sadness, pain, anger, frustration, insecurity, discomfort, confusion, etc. At these times, it is very common for the people involved to see reality take on a dichotomous value: all or nothing, always or never, bad or good, etc. All of this makes it difficult to assess what has happened, communicate with the other person, the position of both and the path to take. However, a crisis does not have to unequivocally lead to a breakup, and can be reframed as an opportunity to grow personally and progress as a couple. In Psychology-Online we tell you more about how to overcome a marriage crisis.
Causes of marital crisis
To find a solution to any conflict, it is important to know the causes of the problem. This also happens in couple crises, in which it is essential to have a clear understanding of what has happened. To do this, below we list the main causes of marital crises:
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- Substance consumption by one or both members of the couple: alcohol, tobacco, drugs.
- Infidelity.
- Different expectations regarding the partner and the relationship.
- Angers and poorly managed fights.
- Not supporting or not feeling supported by your partner on important issues.
- Not showing affection or attention.
- Lack of trust and lies.
- Financial issues.
- Narcissistic traits and presence of emotional abuse.
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- Distancing, stagnation, boredom.
- Marriage crisis due to in-laws.
Couple crisis: stages
The stages that a couple goes through in crisis are very similar to those of grief, that is, the process of emotional adaptation that occurs after a significant loss. As a consequence, the person who experiences it may experience feelings of intense sadness and dejection, despair, loss of appetite, etc. This is because a crisis, for any of the above reasons or others not mentioned, represents a turning point in which the rules, implicit or explicit, maintained until now no longer work and a substantial change is necessary. If this process is not carried out properly, it can lead to the breakdown of the relationship, which indicates its importance. The stages that a couple in crisis goes through are the following:
- Emotional shock. In this first stage the person does not quite believe what is happening. It is characterized by the impact and confusion immediately after the crisis, which produces a blockage in the person, finding themselves disoriented and incredulous.
- Denial. In this phase, the person is not able to assimilate and accept the existence of the problem. Thoughts such as “this cannot be true”, “there must be some mistake”, etc. predominate. to avoid emotional pain.
- Negotiation. This stage is closely linked to the previous one, since the person has not yet accepted the existence of a crisis in their relationship, so they are willing to do anything to avoid it. This moment is characterized by marked emotionality, in which the person tends not to behave logically and may even lose control.
- Gonna. Although anger, rage, frustration and annoyance are frequently labeled as , it is important to keep in mind that they have their function; and this phase is important because in it one becomes aware of the problem, so that the person begins to realize reprehensible actions on the part of the partner, what has happened and the subjective feeling of loss.
- Sadness. It is a painful experience but necessary to evolve in the recovery process, both personal and marital.
- Acceptance. In this stage, people begin to assimilate what happened, so that it is possible to change the focus, which was located on the painful situations of the past, and begin to redirect it towards the future.
- Readaptation to the new reality. Whether there is a readjustment of the couple, or if the crisis has led to the breakup of the relationship, at this stage a transformation occurs in people’s lives, where greater attention is paid to needs, there is a greater sense of control over situations and intervene more actively in decision making.
How to overcome a marital crisis
Once we are clear about the cause of the problem and the stages it is going through, the next step would be how to save a marriage in crisis. Next, we list 10 tips for couples in marital crisis:
- Don’t try to go back to the past or act as if nothing had happened. Many people who come to therapy express the wish that things were the same as before; However, this is not possible, life is evolution and time only goes forward, not backward. This is not necessarily negative. The environment is changing, and with it, we. And these readjustments help us evolve and progress. Obstacles can be reframed as triggers or drivers to produce positive changes that can strengthen the couple.
- Accept that change takes time. Very often, especially in the case of men, when given certain instructions on emotional expression, they may even try vigorously. However, a week later they return to therapy feeling like a failure, with phrases like “I tried to tell my partner that I was sad and he told me not to be so crying.” At this moment, it is important to be clear that an environment of security must be created, where it is possible to show vulnerability without fear of being rejected; and that takes time. If we want a change to be maintained in the long term, it will take time and we will have to .
- Focus on the present and look to the future. She tries to leave the past behind. Constantly recalling old quarrels or bringing up “dirty laundry” from the past not only is of no use, but it awakens bad feelings. Focusing attention on the future makes the goal constructive.
- Look at the other side of the coin. If your partner does not communicate with you, you may attribute it to indifference towards you and the relationship. However, consider whether there is another alternative explanation. Is it possible that his silence is his way of representing pain and disappointment? Is your partner an insensitive person or is it his way of avoiding conflict?
- Nip negative interactions in the bud: criticism, complaints, blame, accusations, sarcastic comments, etc. No one likes to be told that they are doing things wrong or, even worse, that they are a bad person. With these types of comments, you will only make your partner become defensive and look for arguments to refute yours, which will perpetuate this dynamic and contaminate the positive parts of your relationship.
- Learn to express concerns constructively. The previous point does not mean, in any case, that you have to agree with everything your partner does and says, or that you are afraid to express your desires. Neither extreme is recommended. Rather, it is about reformulating a criticism in the form of a request. Thus, instead of telling your partner “I’m tired of you yelling at me,” it would be more appropriate to express the following: “I like it when you tell me things without raising your voice and we can discuss calmly.” You will find more information about it in the following article: .
- The problems, one by one. Many people make the mistake of trying to cover everything at once, or taking advantage of one topic to bring up another that was not addressed at the time. Do not mix situations or conflicts, dedicate yourself to one at a time, or none will be solved.
- Try to be as specific as possible. That is, avoid articulating phrases in a vague and general way, such as: “You could do more things at home.” It is more appropriate to formulate concrete and specific phrases, such as: “I would like you to take care of setting the table on Saturdays, so I could take the dog out.”
- Learn to make decisions cooperatively, no trying to get your way. Thus, the approach we take is a “win-win” one, in which an action plan satisfactory to both parties is developed. After a conflict there are no winners or losers, since the result pleases both.
- Exponentially increases positive energy in the couple. Through his research, Gottman discovered that marriages generally survive if the ratio of positive interactions is 5 to 1. Do you want your marriage to just survive? Or do you prefer to save the marriage in a way that makes it prosper? Smile more. Play more. Hug more. More time shared and shared projects. More appreciation and affection. More praise and gratitude.
How to overcome a marital crisis due to infidelity
Infidelity is one of the most cited reasons why marriages end. However, it does not have to mean the end of a relationship unequivocally and work can be done to save the marriage in 3 phases. Next, we explain how to overcome a marital crisis due to infidelity:
- Crisis. The discovery of infidelity by a partner produces devastating pain, so it is important to pay attention to what needs most urgent attention. At this critical moment, it is necessary to foster a safe and non-judgmental environment for the intensity of emotions. Tranquility, clarity and structure are needed, as well as hope.
- Construction of meaning. At this stage, it is about delving into why the affair happened, what factors in the relationship contributed to it happening, what role both parties played in the story, and the external factors that influenced it.
- Vision and construction of the future. The couple should ask themselves what awaits them together, if after the previous process they have decided that they want to rebuild their relationship. It is at this time that it is essential for the couple to review what it means for them to forgive and move on, the potential benefits and costs of forgiving, evaluate possible resistance and explore the direction their relationship will take.
How to improve my marriage
Couples who are having problems or who feel their marriage is beyond repair can improve it. While this may seem impossible to some, relationships can change. The way we behave, how we think about our partner, or what we think a marriage is supposed to be like are variables that influence marital satisfaction. All of them are variables over which we can exercise control.
So, when you feel overwhelmed, make a deliberate effort to calm down. This strategy helps you stop being defensive, which prevents unproductive fights that undermine the relationship. Letting your spouse know that you understand them is also one of the most powerful tools to foster positive feelings in your relationship. It is an antidote to criticism, contempt and defensiveness. Instead of attacking or ignoring your partner’s point of view, try to see the problem from their point of view, which may have the same validity as yours. It is also important to address and adjust…