Love is one of the most beautiful feelings that exists in this world and there are many people who want to live a relationship as a couple that is romantic and deep. The problem arises when one of the members of the couple displays attachment behaviors so intense that they become pathological and negative.
Although the stage of falling in love is usually accompanied by different emotions, the usual thing is that little by little the sensations balance to strengthen the relationship. If this does not happen, you may be facing a case of limerence that will cause a lot of stress and anxiety in the relationship. If you are wondering how to know if I have limerence, in this Psychology-Online article you will discover all the information you need, since we will tell you what limerence is and the keys to recognizing it.
What is limerence
Limerence, also known as “obsessive love” is a mental state in which the person manifests permanent alterations or obsessions with the partner with the need to be loved and reciprocated, which can trigger excessive attachment to the other person.
It is a type of emotional excitement that involves euphoria and despair and can be confused with falling in love or love at first sight. This term was coined in 1970 by the American psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who stated that people have fascinating emotions for their partner, especially in the first moments of the relationship.
On the other hand, since being enthralled with someone doesn’t sound so far-fetched at first and its symptoms are not so well known, limerence is often overlooked. However, there is a subtle difference between love and limerence. Next, we show you the main signs to know that you are falling into limerence and not balanced and healthy love.
Presence of obsessive and intrusive thoughts throughout the day
Yeah your thoughts about your partner consume you all day and even prevent you from falling asleep, you may be facing one of the main symptoms of limerence. Likewise, you may also fantasize and obsessively desire to be with the person you love, to the point of imagining a future together, even if you have only been in a relationship for a short time.
This is different from love, since the moments they live do not create a true emotional connection because they are constantly in a state of anxiety that does not allow for solidity in the relationship.
Excessive emotional dependence
Another symptom of limerence is that you will have a strong longing for your feelings to reciprocate with the same force that you experience it. However, he remembers that each reality is different and feelings cannot be forced.
When you have limerence, you experience a state of permanent anxiety, similar to that felt by people who have an addiction. You may even experience sudden changes in mood, depression, anger, and you are constantly in hiding because you think that at any moment they are going to abandon you.
Compulsive need for them to feel the same way about you
If you are going through a state of limerence, you may need your partner to He always expressed to you that he feels the same way about you.. Therefore, at every moment you will ask for signs or proof of love so that that person can show you their feelings.
These types of actions are counterproductive because the intense desperation to seek that the other person’s feelings are reciprocated usually triggers discomfort.
You lose your own essence
Fantasy is what fills most of the time in a person’s relationships with limerence, so the essence and notion of reality is lost. Likewise, by creating such a limited vision of reality, the relationship does not deepen and becomes very vulnerable.
It is a state of permanent illusion that is based on a constructed fantasy version that is far from the true satisfaction of personal needs.
Excessive fear of rejection
With limerence, physical and somatic symptoms manifest at the slightest form of rejection and the person tends to hyperventilate, feel tremors, tachycardia and permanent anxiety. These symptoms limit the strengthening of the couple, since they create an uncomfortable and negative climate between both parties.
If you want to know more about this topic you can read the article.
Permanent obsessive focus
Do you want to know another trait of limerence? Permanent obsession is one of the most characteristic features of limerence. It is common for the small details of the daily routine to become focuses of obsession and you want to know what your partner does all the time, who they talk to, and you want to have absolute control of their daily schedule.
They are also a trait of limerence, since you will always be thinking that your partner is going to replace you with someone else.
Real life takes a backseat
With limerence, people lose focus in their own life and begin to fail in other areas at a personal, family and work level. All your energy is focused on being with your partner, so they are likely to neglect their obligations.
In fact, in some cases they come to consider that real life takes away time from being in the arms of their loved one again and becomes an obsession that can prevent success in other aspects.
You seek validation from your partner for everything
Limerence leads you to the fact that the only thing important to you is the . In addition, there is no reciprocity in feelingsbut a constant desire to feel approved that you will hide your own personality.
On the other hand, you will not care to know your partner’s history or emotions and you will ignore them without even realizing it.
Excessive idealization
Another feature of limerence is that the person puts your partner on a pedestal, which may prevent you from seeing any negative or dangerous signs of their behavior. Idealization is built from the fantasy of what you want to see and not from coherent reality. Therefore, it can be something dangerous that takes you away from reality.
Permanent compulsive behaviors
As there is a permanent fear of abandonment, limerence leads to developing compulsive behaviors such as constant messages and calls, endless conversations to find out the couple’s routine, among other uncomfortable and annoying things.
Lack of emotional control and suicidal ideation
This is one of the most dangerous and complicated traits of limerence, since people who suffer from it They feel like they can’t live without their loved one.. This can cause deep depression and, in the worst case, suicidal ideation.
Furthermore, in these cases the control of emotions is very poor, which is why arguments, stress and constant compulsive attitudes arise.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Fisher, HE, Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., & Brown, LL Fisher et al 2002 Brain Systems of Lust, Attraction and Attachment.
- Vicente, ABI A transgenerational journey through the bond of a couple.