As in all family relationships, there are critical moments in which we can end up expressing the opposite of affection, but what happens when it is a scene that is repeated over and over again?
Sebastián Palomo, clinical psychologist at , shares some tips that you can put into practice when having a conflict with your children.
Is it possible for hatred to be generated between parents and children? If so, how is it expressed?
It is common for there to be tension between parents and children, and/or between caregivers and children and adolescents. Raising a child involves a large amount of mental, physical, social and economic resources, which can generate stress, disappointment, envy, frustration and hatred.. To this we must add the fears, dissatisfactions, limitations and living conditions that parents have experienced, both prior to the arrival of their children, and on a daily basis once they have already been conceived or born.
The equation must also include the limited or lacking knowledge that caregivers may have about the physical, psychological, brain and social development that human beings have, as well as the socially shared beliefs and impositions that can mistreat both parents. like children. This can cause caregivers to have unrealistic expectations about how children and adolescents behave in their different developmental transitions.
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Finally, It must be taken into account that many parents and caregivers built insecure emotional bonds with their own caregivers, that is, a type of negative attachment in which the child does not feel trust in their main caregiver and fears being abandoned by them. For this reason, their emotional regulation, self-esteem, perception of self-efficacy, and their perception of others and the world have been compromised. Many of them do not know how to regulate their own unpleasant emotions since no one has taught them how to do so.
All of the above can influence the generation of harmful mental interpretations about children and adolescents, their behaviors and needs, and failure to tune into the underlying mental world of the children, which can generate feelings unpleasant in caregivers. This can be reflected in behaviors such as emotional invalidation, physical abuse, verbal attacks, physical and emotional rejection, and neglect and neglect.
On the other hand, it is common for some children in adolescence and adulthood to feel negative feelings towards their parents; They even express hatred as a result of such mistreatment and the lack or weakened sense of connection, protection and support from those who were supposed to do so.
In summary, Yes, it is possible for a child to generate feelings of hatred towards their parents and/or caregivers, however this does not happen without reasons. It can occur when children are victims of violent treatment, both physical, psychological and/or verbal.
Could hate be what parents really express?
In some cases yes. Yes ok, In most cases, parents and caregivers feel angry and frustrated at certain behaviors of minors. (for example, a baby’s constant crying, an infant’s tantrums, a child’s lack of desire to do chores, or a teenager’s apparent rebellion), the factors I mentioned in the previous question can lead to emotions and unpleasant feelings escalate and may turn into hatred.
To a large extent, the caregiver’s emotional self-regulation, the resignification and, so to speak, the healing of their life history and their own emotional ties, the construction of support networks, the approach to the life project, and fundamentally, the perception and interpretation given to the behavior of boys, girls and adolescents: it can be realistic and understanding, or maladjusted and harmful… one or the other will have different effects on the parent/caregiver and child relationship.
Can children misunderstand the way parents scold?
Disciplining a child is necessary to help him or her acquire cognitive, emotional and social tools and competencies that allow him or her to be a thoughtful, sensible person, capable of having satisfactory relationships with oneself and with other people, and to have a full life; In addition, it will allow you to understand what it means to manage your emotions, control your impulses, take into consideration the feelings of others, think about the consequences of your actions and make thoughtful decisions, among other things.
However, Discipline must be focused on learning by the child, and not on the mere emotional discharge of the adult towards the minor. So that, It’s not just about yelling at them, what they should do and require them to meet our demands, but, according to Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (2015): discipline must be oriented towards three objectives:
- Getting children to cooperate in the short termand help them behave in an acceptable way, avoiding behavior that is not acceptable.
- Provide them with experiences that will strengthen their executive functions for better behavior and better long-term relational skills.
- Build secure emotional bonds.
In that sense, and answering the question, whether the forms of discipline given to a child are abusive (such as scolding with screams, threats, spankings, and emotional helplessness, among others), the child will clearly feel hurtas any of us would feel, since to hurt… is to hurt, and this does not give rise to misinterpretation. Abuse is abuse and causes emotional distress and pain (and in some cases physical), to all children and adults around the planet.
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In most situations, when scolding is systematically accompanied by hostility, humiliation and shamechildren develop something that Siegel and Bryson (2015) call toxic awarenesswhich includes the painful feeling that one’s inner self is defective or damaged, can accompany children into adulthood and lead them to have problems with intimate relationships, feel unworthy, and dissatisfied despite success in the life.
Furthermore, again Siegel and Bryson (2015), state that when caregivers are recurrently out of tune with the underlying mental world of children and adolescentsand this causes their responses to be not contingent but invalidating, Minors are often left feeling confused, full of self-doubt, and disconnected from their emotions, which will lead them to become adults who feel that their emotions are unjustified, who doubt their subjective experience, and who They even have difficulty knowing what they want or what they need.
Does the idea of that eternal, pure and real love of parents towards their children fade away? How to improve this relationship?
Evolution has prepared babies, infants, children and adolescents to manifest their behavior towards seeking protection, closeness and proximity from trustworthy people to ensure their survival; However, these could not be effective if it were not for the fact that they fit with sensitive parental behavior that responds to them (Bell & Ainsworth, 1972).
In this way, throughout the various everyday interactive experiences that a child has with his caregiver, it is the sensitivity of the caregiver (or parental sensitivity), the key in the process. Sensitivity is the caregiver’s ability to adapt their behavior to that of the child, be attentive to their signals, interpret them correctly, respond to them promptly and appropriately, synchronize the child’s activities with their own, negotiate conflicts, adjust to emotional states, moment development and particularities of the minor and be easily accessible both physically and emotionally(Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Torres, Causadias & Posada (2014); Sroufe, Szteren & Causadias, 2014; Waters & Cummings, 2000).
A sensitive caregiver facilitates the formation of a secure emotional bond, thanks to the fact that the child has been provided with a secure base from which he can explore and learn, since he will feel that his caregiver connects with his mental world, which will protect him and that will satisfy his physical and emotional needs. On the other hand, and in the opposite way, The insensitivity of a caregiver paves the way for the construction of an insecure bond since the minor cannot be sure of the physical and emotional availability of his or her care figure, and may even see him or her as a threat. (Ainsworth, 1989; Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991; Bell & Ainsworth, 1972).
The relevance of these differences lies in the fact that, according to authors such as Waters & Cummings (2000), Torres, Causadias & Posada (2014), Bowlby (1973), and Davies & Cummings (1994), The security of the emotional bond is crucial for:
- The interpretation we have of ourselves (self-esteem, self-efficacy, feeling worthy, deserving of love and personal success, feeling full or damaged internally, and feeling connected to our emotions or not, among others).
- The interpretation we have of others (being able to connect with other people, being empathetic, and having healthy and prosperous social and emotional relationships, among others).
- The interpretation we have of the world (e.g. it’s a beautiful place to explore or it’s a horrible, terrible place where no one can be trusted).
- Resilience and coping effectively and competently with problemsdaily challenges and tensions.
- emotional well-being.
- emotional regulation in situations of anguish, stress and fear.
- physical health.
- Athletic and academic competitionamong others.
- Taking into account the above, it was considered that It is important that caregivers promote the construction of secure emotional bonds with their children and adolescents.experiencing an intimate and ongoing relationship with them in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment, and being responsive to their physical and emotional needs.
To do this, caregivers must pay attention to their children’s messages and behavior, interpret them realistically and kindly, and respond promptly and appropriately.
To achieve this, it is vital that parents and caregivers acquire emotional regulation tools, that they address, to the extent possible, their own relationship wounds, that they inform themselves…