The relationships between mothers and children can become so complex and unique that it is almost impossible to describe a global pattern of behavior. There are a number of personalities that people can develop and these affect and determine their interpersonal relationships with other individuals.
Although it is true that according to society, when a woman becomes pregnant she begins to develop a maternal instinct, it is also true that, due to the personality of that woman, this instinct can be seriously repressed. This repression will give rise to maladaptive behavior patterns which will affect subsequent relationships between mother and child.
In Psychology-Online, we will give you a series of guidelines to improve this poor adaptation if, in your case, you are the children of a mother with the characteristics that we are going to show you later. Below you will find how to carry out the process of forgive a mother.
Toxic mothers: manipulative and victimizing mothers
There are a series of behaviors which are usually associated with a personality pattern characteristic of mothers who are known as toxic. Here you can see the .
These mothers act and exercise their “power” over their sons or daughters through manipulation and self-victimization.
The handlingIn short, it is the taking of control over other people through the use of persuasive and suggestion techniques to, in this way, superimpose your thoughts, behaviors, emotions or decisions on those of the other person. The intentions of this behavior are usually negative, since they tend to seek their own benefit.
His objective is to protect himself from any criticism from others, in addition to wanting to achieve the understanding of other individuals. It is a technique widely used by those experts in emotional blackmail Since, no one dares to question a victim because, automatically, they would be considered insensitive by others.
Apart from these two characteristic behaviors of toxic mothers, we can provide you with some others:
- possessive
- cold
- emotionally distant
- Negative
- Excessively overprotective
- Aggressive
- Dependent
This list shows characteristic behaviors of those who develop fears of possible abandonment or helplessness.
These types of mothers behave in a hoarding and overprotective manner, feeling the need to always have their sons or daughters by their side since, for them, their children are the most important thing and nothing can happen to them. This pattern of behavior develops dependent behaviors in children and delays their relational development because, in the future, they will have problems when interacting with other individuals.
On the other hand, cold and distant mothers also pose a problem for the emotional development of their children. Well, they will not create attachment bonds with their mother and will always have an emotional void when it comes to their family relationship.
How to forgive a toxic and abusive mother
Resentment towards a toxic mother has the danger of considerably interfering both in our daily lives and in a future relationship with our sons or daughters. That is why we must learn to overcome pain and forgive mothers which present these behaviors.
It is very likely that as children we feel that the way our mother treats us is the same way other mothers treat their children. However, as we grow, we become aware of certain differences between our mother-child relationship and that of others.
How to heal the relationship with your mother
In order to heal the relationship with a mother, you must from understanding of those reasons that make her behave in such a way. Many times, people with these parenting patterns in their children reflect the educational style that their parents have imposed on them, since they do not know of any other. We must avoid judging the mother’s actions and begin to understand her reasons. To do this, there are a series of guidelines which can help you forgive your mother and improve your relationship:
- Seek professional help. Healing wounds can be complicated and there is nothing better than a proper professional to obtain the necessary tools.
- Accept that you are not to blame for anything. The way your mother treated you is because she wanted it that way, not because of your behavior or way of being.
- Write your emotions. Putting down on paper what you feel will make it easier to expel what hurts you. Here you will see.
- Talk to your mother. Now you are an adult and it is very important that you let out what you feel and explain it to them. Just as you write your emotions for yourself, do it with her. And I’m not just talking about the negative ones, but also the positive ones. Seeing that your relationship improves and that you feel like a closer person to her can make her desire to improve your relationship also increase.
- Try to join herconnect with her.
- Find activities to do together. There are times when we think that we have absolutely nothing in common with other people, however, it is always possible to find common ground.
- forgive her. To err is human and she erred in the past. Forgiving her will help both you and her create a new path in your relationship.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to How to forgive my motherwe recommend that you enter our category.
Bibliography
- Garelli, J., & Montuori, E. (1997). Mother-child emotional bond in early childhood and attachment theory. Practical Pediatrics, 95(122), 122-125.
- Pacheco Ortiz, FN (2013). Child overprotection and its impact on the emotional development of children from 3 to 4 years of age in initial education at the “mi casita de campo” child development center in the Ambato canton, province of Tungurahua (Bachelor’s thesis).
- Rodrigo, MJ, Máiquez, ML, García, M., Mendoza, R., Rubio, A., Martínez, A., & Martín, JC (2004). Parent-child relationships and lifestyles in adolescence. Psychothema, 16(2), 203-210.
- Verea, CP (2004). “Bad Mothers”: The social construction of motherhood. Feminist Debate, 30, 12-34.