In this article we will explain what emotional dependency and codependency are, and you will discover how to overcome affective dependency.
What do you expect from others? We judge ourselves because we think we have many shortcomings. We feel guilty about it and look for someone who can fill our void. In this podcast, Enric Corbera delves into the emotional dependence.
In this video, you will discover what is emotional codependencyhow to use it to grow and how to avoid the need to depend on others to develop yourself.
Emotional dependency: looking for answers outside of ourselves
Let’s imagine a baby that falls heavily on the floor, what does it do immediately after? look around searching a reference figure on which to base yourself to develop your emotional response.
if you see your I’m probably starting to cry. On the other hand, if she sees a relaxed face that does not give it much importance, it is likely that the fall does not cause her great stress, she gets up and simply continues playing.
Although it may seem like a response resulting from the lack of psychological maturation typical of these the truth is that all we keep looking aroundr in some way looking for a clue of how we “should” react emotionally to what happens to us.
We learn to feel as dictated by our both emotional (the mood of the people around me), relational (how people interact with us) and even atmospheric (if it’s cold, rainy or sunny).
Continually we put our attention outside of ourselves to check what should be our in relation to our closest environment. To the point that if we get up in the morning and it’s raining we are capable of getting in a bad mood.
One day we learned to surrender our inner essence to external factors and we became emotionally dependent.
What is emotional dependency?
Emotional dependency is a psychological pattern that prevents us from establishing healthy bonds. It occurs in interpersonal relationships, whether family, couple or in other contexts, such as work.
When a person is in a dependency relationship expects the other to take responsibility in important aspects of her life, she experiences fear of separation and loneliness, has great difficulty making decisions for herself and finds it difficult to express disagreement with the environment, for fear of abandonment and loss of approval.
dependent people prioritize others, to the point of canceling themselves in favor of your partner, family or friends. Therefore, they establish dysfunctional relationships, in which they express disproportionate affective demands and tend to be very sensitive to approval from others.
Codependency and emotional dependency
Emotional dependency can be one-way or two-way.
Emotional codependency is a form of dysfunctional attachment between two individuals who need each other to “be happy” and that can be established in any type of relationship: partner, family, friendship, etc.
It occurs between two complementary profiles that act from a search for continuous reaffirmation in the face of one’s own internal insecurity: the dependent, who needs the other, and the codependent, who seeks to feel necessary and essential, sacrificing his well-being for others.
Both relate in an addictive way, reinforcing their needs and using manipulation and control strategies.
How can codependency and emotional dependence be identified?
We are social beings by nature, since interpersonal relationships are the foundation of development in the human being.
So, we all have a certain level of affective dependency that is healthy and necessary to be able to establish quality links. If not, we would always end up working in an individualistic and isolated way.
Nevertheless, when dependency is excessive, an imbalance occurs in the relationship that prevents us from living it in a beneficial way that enhances our development and well-being.
Characteristics of affective dependence
Let’s see some characteristics that we can take into account to establish if we are prone to establishing dependency and codependency relationships, for example:
- Basing our happiness on a single person (such as the couple).
- Believing that there is a person who will make us happy and give us what we think we lack.
- Carrying out behaviors that we do not want to please and like the other, for fear of losing him.
- Feeling of discomfort and guilt when we prioritize ourselves and feel that we are going against the other person.
- Feeling an excessive need for affection and approval that is never satisfied.
- Difficulty making decisions for ourselves, which leads us to involve the other person in all our activities or ask for their opinion in case of any doubt.
- Allow ourselves to be easily manipulated by this person.
- We feel that relationships become the center of our lives, with recurring thoughts and a ‘roller coaster’ of emotions.
- Tendency towards social isolation.
emotionally dependent on someone
It seems that we cannot bear that moment of of what we lack and immediately want it to end. The feeling of lack changes shape but, deep down, it is always the same. We try that everyone around us can see our emptiness while we ourselves don’t even look at it.
And so, we continue to depend on others, on the environment, clinging to what we don’t have and, as in any , becoming dependent.
“Because no one can know for you. Nobody can grow up for you. Nobody can search for you. No one can do for you what you yourself must do. Existence admits no representatives.”
Jorge Bucay
Observe our need to grow as emotional adults
Instead of stopping for a moment to observe and use it to get to know each other, we compulsively search for a way to fill it in order to silence it once and for all.
thinking that we have fixed our problem for an immediate gratification that comes from outside (a hug, a pat on the back or a moment of attention) instead of using that moment to see what about us expressing ourselves in that need.
That is to say, we seek well-being sacrificing the .
Emotional dependency: how to overcome it
What percentage of you depends on you? and of the others? A clear sign of psychological maturation occurs when we develop emotional autonomy that allows us to understand and empathize with the environment in which we move, but without “infecting” it.
It deals with our environment, but maintaining a state of internal coherence that allows us to choose how to feel and how to respond at all times, regardless of what surrounds us.
When you feel that you depend on something or someone, you can ask yourself: what do you get through that relationship? What part of yourself have you delegated outside? Who have you made responsible for what you should be responsible for?
Continuing with the analogy of the falling baby, Who do you look at when something happens to you and you don’t know how you should feel?
We can continue to justify our emotional states by what others do, how we feel, or make the decision to grow as emotional adults and take charge of our emotions.
Emotional dependence and Bioneuroemoción®
Relating in an emotionally immature way, which implies not assuming responsibility for our well-being, limiting our emotional autonomy and personal evolution.
We give up the power to direct our life giving a special value to certain relationships, or other external factors.
This way of relating works against us since, without being aware of it, we look for people who complement us, because we feel that we are missing somethingand we believe that we will find that something in them when, in reality, it is there and has always been inside us.
This way of relating generates suffering that we cannot manage, since we believe that what makes us suffer is the fault of the other.
However, when we become aware that, in reality, we are the only ones responsible for the way we see and experience relationships, we transform them into learning experiences.
A) Yes, cease to be a source of suffering and become, and .
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