Sometimes we may observe some communication actions of couples, families and friends around us, such as emotional blackmail. But, when it comes to ourselves, it is not easy to notice it, because, sometimes, it is very subtle or we may even be accessing blackmail without being aware of it.
Emotional blackmail is a manipulative technique used to get another person to do, say or feel what the blackmailer wants, for their own benefit. Explains Xenia García Romero, professor in the Master in Psychotherapy: 3rd Generation Therapies at the International University of La Rioja (UNIR).
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Through blackmail, on numerous occasions, personal satisfaction is pursued in an inappropriate and disrespectful way.
When we want our partner to feel welcomed and comfortable, we are more vulnerable to being manipulated without realizing it. “Playing with guilt, feelings and our emotions is the key for blackmail to take effect. Taking advantage of one’s own sentimental bond to gain strength,” says psychologist Luis Gómez Olmeda, for the magazine
This is one inappropriate and aggressive form of communication, in which the blackmailer requests a request for change or help, or simply expresses disagreement and complaint, with the aim of getting what he wants without taking into account the wishes of the other.
The axis of emotional blackmail is to generate guilt, discomfort in the recipient and carry out controlling behavior over the other person, generating obligation and fear. – Marta de la Fuente, Health Psychologist in the Human Area.
It is common for us to associate emotional blackmail with manipulation, since it is a practice that aims to influence a person’s will in order to get them to act as they are asked and not as they want and desire for themselves.
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How do I detect emotional blackmail?
For the other’s behavior to be called “emotional blackmail,” these four components must be taken into account:
- The requirement: Blackmailers do not always clearly express what they want, but rather they want the other person to guess. But the equation is not so simple, because the blackmailer gives so much importance to the issue that the other person has no choice but to end up giving in or accepting the situation.
- The resistance: When you think differently from the blackmailer, he or she does not feel happy, becomes angry, and makes the other person believe that he or she is responsible for his or her sadness. He resists thinking like his partner, his friend, his father, etc. He does not accept anything that is not how he wants it or how he would like it to be and, in addition, he usually distances himself as a sign of annoyance.
- The pressure: When the blackmailer has to face a strong character or firm decision, that is when he begins to act in a more direct way. This happens at the time when he finds it difficult to get what he wants. He presses all the time until the other changes his mind, argues, complains, cries, yells or gets angry.
- The threat: If he still cannot get what he wants, if he sees that his desires collide with the other’s refusal, the blackmailer begins to tell what the consequences of this wrong decision may be.
Let us remember that we may be going through a situation of emotional blackmail in any type of relationship, including those we have with our parents, partners or friends. Therefore, it is important to keep in mind that where we do not feel comfortable with manipulative or similar attitudes, where we feel an obligation to carry out any action for the sole benefit of a certain person, it may mean that something is not right and we must set limits.