Some personalities need, to maintain their balance, to exercise close control over their surroundings: the company would collapse if they entrusted it to a director, the wife or husband would be lost if they were left to do the shopping alone, the children would surely go out. injured if we don’t check them all the time. Why are some obsessed with the need for control? Why are they so deeply convinced that they have to lay down the law about everything? Why do you think your agenda should take precedence over everyone else’s? Why do they insist so much that everything always be done their way, even when they are shown that our method is as effective as theirs, if not more so?
What are controlling people like? With this Psychology-Online article we will discover 10 characteristics of controlling people, and how to deal with them. We will see what controlling, manipulative, possessive and jealous people are like, both in relationships and at work and how to deal with people like that.
Traits, behaviors and characteristics of controlling people
The main characteristics of controlling and manipulative people are:
- Need for control. Several factors (temperament, different experiences, motivation…) can cause this urgent need for control: the tendency to control is not an innate trait, but rather an adaptive style.
- Anxiety. When a person describes themselves as a “control freak,” there is actually no innate human propensity to possess control: what exists in a controlling personality is a deep anxiety. The newborn and child who perceive that their needs are not met may develop an obsessive coping style, anxious about every detail. In fact, the controlling personality protects itself from anxiety by staying as far away as possible from that lost, insecure, bewildered child that it was or from that trauma that carries the signs. To prevent this anxiety from oppressing them, crushing them or, worse yet, from manifesting itself a little, they will try to control the people and events around them.
- Rigidity. Controllers will have great difficulty negotiating, because they will be totally unable to tolerate imperfection.
- Strict compliance with internalized standards. Individuals with a dominant personality type try to manage every detail of existence, including the people around them. These subjects, as adults, base their self-esteem on satisfying the strict demands and demands of their internalized parents, at the expense of whoever becomes their projective object.
- Low tolerance to stress. When a controlling and manipulative person fears that he cannot control events, he experiences a lot of stress; He unconsciously believes that only by controlling every aspect of his life and environment will he be able to ensure the satisfaction of his needs.
- Exhaustion. A difficult life, that of controlling and possessive people, who with the illusion of keeping everything under control feel serene, and meanwhile are continually burdened with weights, responsibilities, even absurd tasks that could be done by anyone.
- Problems with self-esteem. These people need “control” because without it they generally feel invaded by the fear that things will end up overtaking and minimizing them, and therefore they will be devalued or not recognized, and therefore their life may be ruined.
- Feelings of inferiority. At a deeper level, the often grandiose Ego of the dominant personality, there is a sense of inferiority and a precarious self-esteem that can only be managed through the illusion of being able to control and prevail over everything.
- Vulnerability. In reality, people who have a high need for control are often vulnerable: either they are their bosses, the organizers, or they feel very uncomfortable. We are not talking about the narcissistic need to be in the center, but about the conviction that only if I do it, I organize it, are we safe, otherwise who knows what could happen.
- Contradictory beliefs. There are people, for example, who fly in their small airplanes, but they would never set foot on an airliner, because they cannot drive it. They manage to reach these paradoxes and also to find an apparent logical explanation for behaviors that for others, however, evidently represent a contradiction.
Why are there controlling people?
The main reason why people have controlling traits and want to control others is having lived through a “controlled” childhood. The origins of the formation of a controlling and manipulative personality must be sought in early childhood: starting from a certain rigidity in the breastfeeding rhythm, excessively harsh cleaning training and very well-defined sleep schedules, continuing With careful scheduling of all daily activities, the families of controlling people are often dominated by the issue of control. Parents have often been unreasonably pretentious, prematurely demanding and/or ready to blame: all spontaneous activity has been strongly discouraged, for fear that it would bring chaos and disorder. Thus creating controlling and jealous people.
How to deal with controlling people
Taking into account this overview of the basic characteristics of controlling personalities, it is quite clear that they manifest a series of behaviors that can frustrate and provoke resentment, especially in the people with whom they relate most closely. The problem with living alongside controlling and anxious people is not having a personalized space and time to express your emotions and desires. Often, those who suffer from the control of others do not feel the need to invent anything or create anything in their daily lives, because they are continually “robbed” by the control of others. At work it can have disastrous consequences: a hyper-controlling manager can block the creativity of his collaborators and, in the worst case, demotivate them. Next we will see how to deal with controlling people at work.
How to handle a controlling person? In order not to suffer from control anxiety, it would be necessary to try to decipher these anxious messages that arrive as suffocating. According to Viola (2019), in general, these are the suggestions for relating to highly controlling people:
- Strive to remain calm, composed, and assertive: One of the most common characteristics of aggressive, bullying and controlling individuals is that they like to deliberately (but often unconsciously) annoy or intimidate you, manipulating your decisions, your actions or thought processes.
- As much as possible, keep your distance: Another tip for dealing with a controlling person is to keep your distance. Unless there is something important at stake in the relationship, don’t spend your time trying to deal with a person who is negatively entrenched and whose everything often bounces off of a rubber wall.
- Go from reactive to proactive attitude: Being aware of the nature of intimidating and controlling behaviors can help us disengage from the situation and move from being receptive to assertive and proactive.
- Defend your rights: Aggressive, intimidating and controlling people tend to disenfranchise you so that they can control and take advantage of you.
- Try to take back your power: A recurring pattern of these personalities is that they like to focus on the target person, making them feel uncomfortable or inadequate. A simple but powerful way to change this dynamic is to put the spotlight on them.
- In mild situations, use appropriate humor: If used properly and appropriately, humor can illuminate the truth, disarm certain difficult behaviors, and demonstrate to the interlocutor that you have greater composure. Humor is a good strategy for managing a controlling person at work.
- In more serious situations, try to explain what the possible consequences are.: The ability to identify and affirm what the consequences of controlling behaviors are is one of the most important skills you can use to “discourage” a rigidly controlling person, and probably encourage reflection and, who knows, perhaps change. It is necessary to set limits on a controlling person in a relationship.
In this article we explain.
Can a controlling person change?
The actions of the people they control are moved by deep psychological factors, which have to do with their personality structure, and more superficially by the deep conviction that it is necessary to behave in these ways to satisfy their needs and achieve their goals. On the other hand, it is difficult for the control freak to be aware of having this anxiety: he behaves like this without realizing it. One only realizes that one is being hyper-controlling when stimuli comes from others that one is obsessed with control, as if it were a need that cannot be avoided.
Unfortunately, people who live next to a control freak often distance themselves, even if they don’t want to cause pain, because they can’t resist the anxiety of perfection. As a consequence of episodes of this type, it can also happen that overprotective and controlling people can overcome their control mania. Better, however, if help professionally, since on their own they could not process the deep causes of this perfectionist anxiety that invades the other. Therefore, the best option is psychotherapy for controlling people.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
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- Viola, A. (2019). Le personalità controllanti: como reconoscerle. Retrieved from: https://psicologicagliaridottantonelloviola.blogspot.com/2019/01/normal-0-14-false-false-false-it-zh-cn.html
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