The word jealousy It comes from being “jealous”, taking care of, putting effort into and being interested in a person who is the most important to us, with the aim of not losing them and/or having them taken away from us. A priori, this definition may even seem romantic, but on many occasions jealousy causes a feeling of discomfort, both for the person who suffers from it and for the person who is the object of it.
All of us have experienced jealousy at some point in our lives. When a person with whom we have a valuable and special relationship, be it a friend, our boss, co-worker, neighbor…, distances themselves from us and begins to direct their attention towards another person, it gives us the feeling that the We are losing and this makes us afraid. In this PsicologíaOnline article, I will focus on the jealousy that occurs in a relationship and I will answer the question of why we feel jealous of our partner.
Why do I feel jealous of my partner?
It seems that there are some personality characteristics of jealous people that make them more vulnerable to suffering from them:
- Insecurity and emotional dependence.
- Lack of trust towards others.
- Low self-esteem.
- Lack of social skills.
Regarding the prevalence of jealousy in men and women, statistics show that occur in both sexes equally, the only thing that changes is the way of expressing them. Men tend to resort to aggressive and angry behaviors, while women are more prone to depression, sadness and self-reproaches.
According to Enrique Echeburúa and Javier Fernández-Montalvo, In jealousy there are always four components: the love for a specific person, the exclusivity in its possession, the agreement to be mutually faithful and the social discredit that arises if infidelity were put into practice.
These authors explain the mechanism of jealousy: a person has thoughts and feelings that adjust to the possibility that their partner is unfaithful. This pain that he feels due to that jealousy can manifest itself between anger and sadness. As a result of this, he begins to perform acts to check if what you think is true: He calls his partner, checks his cell phone, asks for the Facebook password… in order to reduce that doubt and emotional pain. After carrying out the verifications and not finding any evidence, you feel a temporary relaxation, but after a while, jealousy arises again and as a consequence, you will want to carry out the verification behaviors to achieve that state of tranquility, so a vicious circle is created.
What consequences does jealousy have on a relationship?
Jealousy has some devastating consequences on the couple’s relationship and in the emotional-sexual life of each of its components.
Maintaining a relationship with a jealous person becomes complicated, disputes increase and little by little, The couple grows apart. At the same time, social relationships are also being affected, along with the work environment, since worries and lack of concentration cause performance at work to suffer.
But on certain occasions, this jealousy can have a justified basis, suspecting that our partner could be unfaithful to us is a real feeling that we can have, so… When does jealousy become a disease? According to the aforementioned authors, jealousy is pathological when three characteristics occur:
- There are no real indications that there is infidelity on the part of the couple.
- The person has a lack of self-control and their behaviors are disproportionate.
- Jealousy causes high emotional suffering in the person.
What can we do to control jealousy?
Given this problem, the go to psychological therapy It is presented as the most recommended option. The aspects to work on would be the restructuring of distorted and automatic thoughts, along with the modification by others more adjusted to reality. Change and decrease checking behaviors, as well as learn to relax and increase self-esteem. Probably, perhaps the couple’s relationship should be worked on, since the area of communication and sexuality are the ones that are most affected in these situations.
If you are immersed in a jealous relationship, either because you suffer from jealousy or you are the person who is accused of being unfaithful, I suggest you attend therapy. With it you can learn to manage this emotion, which does not usually disappear, but it does help and you are taught to limit it so that it does not cause deterioration in the relationship. Possible situations in which you can relapse into jealous behavior are also detected, such as low moods (stress, anxiety, depression…), imposed loneliness, boredom, lack of objectives… in turn, it will allow you to achieve a life as a couple based on respect, trust and love, as well as an improvement in your emotional quality. You will live more relaxed and enjoying the person you love.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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