A relationship is largely about feelings of love, connection and companionship, without forgetting the practical side of living together, such as household chores. Although they are usually a thankless, repetitive and boring job that we have to deal with every day, they cannot be ignored, since they are part of our daily lives. It’s also something we spend a lot of time talking about with our partner and can play a role in our relationship. So, if your partner behaves carelessly at home, doesn’t do chores, makes a mess, etc. It’s normal to wonder what’s happening and how to handle the situation.
In this Psychology-Online articles we explain Why does my partner not collaborate at home and what to do.
Why does my partner never collaborate at home?
There may be several reasons why your partner does not collaborate at home, such as lack of awareness, differences in perception of responsibilities or lack of communication. Possible reasons why your partner does not collaborate with household chores could include:
1. Difficulties doing housework
If your partner never collaborates at home, he or she could have difficulties carrying out household tasks. Generally, they can be due to lack of time and motivation, difficulties organizing or planninglack of skills to carry out certain tasks or simply differences in the way each person interprets, prioritizes or understands what it means to collaborate at home.
2. Social inequalities and gender stereotypes
Unfortunately, in many marriages it is assumed that housework belongs to the woman, while for the man it is optional. In fact, when they do something they see it as helping their wives and being a good husband, but they do not consider it as a real responsibility.
This inequity is partly a result of social and gender inequalities rooted in society since childhood. Likewise, due to parenting styles and early learning, many people may not be used to cleaning and organizing, which can lead to devaluation of domestic tasks.
3. Efforts to gain power and control
The division of household chores can cause conflicts between couples and turn into a battle. Many people may feel that in their relationship their partner is trying to control them by nagging or not doing their part. Each one tries to accuse the other of what they do wrong or fail to do with phrases like “You never keep a clean sheet” or “You keep telling me how to do things!”
In these types of situations, both people feel hurt, criticized and helpless. As a consequence, the feeling appears that her partner does not care much about her happiness, but simply wants to win. Keep in mind that efforts to gain power and control are often linked to betrayal.
4. Emotional problems are expressed through the home environment
It is true that on many occasions many people do not clean and do their tasks as a result of the laziness it produces. However, it is important to warn that there may be fatigue that accompanies depression, as well as hopelessness. If your partner is sad and feels like nothing is worth it, you may not find meaning or have the energy to collaborate at home.
Home is often an expression of our inner world. When a person is depressed, they stop showering and doing laundry, which reinforces feelings of self-loathing. Anxiety can also impact household chores. In this sense, the obsession with neatness and cleanliness It can manifest as a response to overwhelming worry that is managed through organization and control.
What happens if your partner doesn’t do anything at home
The cleanliness of a home can have implications for the way a person feels and the way a couple relates. When the cleaning and care of the home is carried out by a single person and the entire weight of the tasks falls on them, can have negative consequences both individually and in the relationship.
In a study carried out by Saxbe and Repetti, the way in which people distribute their time and tasks at home was analyzed. The researchers found that women who describe their homes as messy report more depressed moods During the course of the day women consider their home as calm and relaxed.
In addition, those people who perceive their home as messy show higher levels of , the stress hormone. Therefore, the way we feel about our home can affect us both psychologically and physiologically. Most conflicts arise from the perception of injustice.
What influences the perception of justice in the couple
It is not only the amount of work that influences perceptions of injustice, but also the type of tasks assigned. In this sense, some men mistakenly consider that certain tasks are appropriate for them and others are not. In this sense, scientific literature suggests that men and women have different ways of defining what is fair.
On the one hand, men look at the big picture, considering everything they do in their marriage, the amount of money they earn, and the time they spend at work or with their children. In contrast, women tend to focus on the amount of housework they need to do, regardless of everything else they bring to the family structure.
How gender stereotypes affect couples
In some cases women also play a prominent role in keeping stereotypes alive. In this sense, many wives take on household chores as their own because they perceive it as their “territory,” a way to confirm their identity as housewives and to express love and support to their families.
On the other hand, some view their husbands’ help as a demonstration of love and appreciation, rather than something that should be basic to the relationship. The overloaded wives They may feel frustrated and ignored and, consequently, dissatisfied with their marriage.
Women can also see what other husbands around them are doing. If their husband is doing as much or more, they interpret it as being supported and treated well. If he doesn’t compare well to others, or she feels that her workload is unfair, she is likely to think that she has no support and that she is paying too high a price for her marriage. In the following article you will find more information about .
What to do if my partner doesn’t collaborate at home
Below we explain 5 effective ways to manage the situation:
- Question social and gender stereotypes: It is very important to recognize and challenge dysfunctional beliefs that perpetuate unfair dynamics, recognize the impact that patriarchal systems and other power structures have on family life, and work to promote equality in the relationship.
- Define what cleansing means and how it affects you: Being clean and tidy means different things to different people. Therefore, try to specify what you specifically mean when you talk about the mess in the house and don’t make assumptions about what your partner is referring to.
- Explain how you feel when your partner does not collaborate at home: Tell your partner how cleaning the house affects you and the stress it generates so that he or she can understand and empathize with you. By letting your partner participate in your experience, they are more likely to be more cooperative.
- Housework is a shared responsibility: Clutter in the house can be interpreted as disdain and lack of appreciation towards the person who picks up and tidies up, therefore, you must collaborate to keep the home in good condition. Each couple may have different ways of dividing household chores, but the most important thing is that both parties feel comfortable and satisfied with the division of responsibilities and that each one feels respected and valued.
- Be flexible and compromise: Being aware of your partner’s needs and taking them into account is key. If you are both willing to give in a little, you can live together in harmony. If your partner wants to have certain paintings, tablecloths, souvenirs… it is their choice. By agreeing to certain margins for order, it is possible to maintain, respect and be flexible with your partner’s tastes and choices.
If you and your partner find yourself involved in a conflict over household chores, it is important to recognize and address the situation to resolve it effectively. Otherwise, housework can negatively affect the relationship and be one of the main causes of marital dissatisfaction.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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References
- Saxbe, D.E., & Repetti, R. (2010). No place like home: Home tours correlate with daily patterns of mood and cortisol. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 36(1), 71-81.
- Charbonneau, A., Lachance-Grzela, M., & Bouchard, G. (2021). Threshold levels for disorder, inequality in household labor, and frustration with the partner among emerging adult couples: A dyadic examination. Journal of Family Issues, 42(1), 176-200.
- Carlson, D.L., Miller, A.J., & Rudd, S. (2020). Division of housework, communication, and couples’ relationship satisfaction. Socius, 6, 2378023120924805.