Love is considered one of the most addictive drugs, due to the amount of dopamine it produces in our body. Sometimes, love also creates a “withdrawal syndrome” that can lead to anxiety in the couple. On the other hand, the sensation of feeling loved is similar to the pleasure of opiates, that is, every positive love relationship causes the same sensation of pleasure in the brain circuits as the most synthetic drugs.
The drug addict’s gratification with his drug is reproduced biologically, in the same way as the pleasure of feeling connected to the people we love. For this reason, when we begin to feel anxious about our partner, we must reverse these circuits again to once again perceive that gratification of being with him or her. In this Psychology-Online article we explain why your partner makes you anxious and what to do in this situations.
How do I know if I have relationship anxiety? Anxiety is an anticipatory response to a future threat, associated with muscle tension, vigilance in relation to future danger, and cautious or avoidant behaviors. Sometimes the level of is reduced by generalized avoidance behaviors.
To really know if your partner is causing you anxiety, you should look to see if any of these symptoms appear when you are together or when you think about him/her:
- High negative valence regarding your partner.
- Excessive avoidance and escape from your partner and the associated stimuli that can cause a feeling of well-being.
- Incorrect threat estimatesthat is, the meanings attributed to the stimulus (your partner) and the response derived from fear.
- Loss of interest and avoidance of satisfying activities.
- You are not looking for new sensations.
- Excessive fear of separation that affects a large number of everyday situations.
- This fear is derived from a normal evolutionary fear based on attachment theories.
- Rooted in the attachment system and involves the figures with which it is linked.
- Show a high sensitivity when observedevaluated or disapproved during their performance before your partner or in their relationship with others.
- Establish marked and strict rules regarding what is meant by appropriate behavior.
- Have a low self-esteem.
- Suffer anticipatory anxiety.
Next, we show you the possible causes why your partner makes you anxious:
Separation anxiety (insecure attachment)
Attachment theory, whose formulation was pioneered by John Bowlby, deals with the universal human need to form emotional bonds narrow sources to turn to in times of suffering or stress. Self-image is related to the degree to which one experiences anxiety about being rejected or abandoned, so people who have a positive view of themselves tend to experience low anxiety in these cases, since who consider themselves worthy of being loved and cared for.
On the contrary, people who have a negative view of themselves tend to express concern and fear about abandoning their attachment figure. Likewise, people with insecure attachment tend to display fewer caring behaviors towards others and have more negative expectations regarding their partner’s support, which would result in lower satisfaction. People with insecure attachment styles are more reactive to their partners’ negative behaviors and experienced less satisfaction than secure attachment people.
Fears and insecurities
The image of the other would be associated with the degree of avoidance that the person manifests regarding close relationships. In this way, people who have a positive image of others in terms of their reliability and availability will have an easier time establishing close relationships. On the contrary, those people who are not very perceptive and have a negative view of others, will tend to avoid becoming more intimately involved in the links.
These two dimensions, anxiety and avoidance, have been associated with different aspects of interpersonal functioning, so a lack of trust could contribute to greater anxiety towards your partner, so one way to reduce anxiety could be to increase trust.
Situations external to your partner
Some external situations can make your partner psychologically exhaust you and generate anxiety. Some examples of these possible problems that affect our relationship may be infertility, , lack of time and an independent space at home or past experiences with other couples, among others.
When your partner makes you anxious, it is important to know what are the causes that are causing this to emerge in you so that you can attack them. Once identified, it will be easier for us to find the solution to said problem.
Below we explain what you can do to stop your partner from giving you anxiety:
- Manage emotional dependency: is a set of addictive behaviors towards other people that produce role asymmetries. Jorge Castelló defines it as a “persistent pattern of unsatisfied emotional needs that are maladaptively attempted to be covered with other people,” something that can generate anxiety if it is not covered. Therefore, it would be advisable to work on dependency management in order to reduce anxiety.
- Increase trust in the couple.
- Improve your self-esteem: Having a positive perception of yourself will help reduce anxiety and fear of being rejected.
- go to therapy: When the anxiety we feel with our partner comes from the attachment relationship we have, due to our lack of self-esteem or confidence, going to therapy with a psychologist can help us acquire tools that help us manage the situation in the best way.
- Assess continuity: in some cases, we can realize that this anxiety comes from how our partner is being at this moment, something that can make them question the continuity of the relationship if we value that neither he or she nor we are promoting any change that helps us feel more relaxed.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.