Why do we fall in love with one person and not another?

First, a stimulus appears, which can be: smell, look, tone of voice, eye color, etc.; That refers to an unconscious mosaic of characteristics, situational, physical, emotional and spiritual factors that dictate the qualities that our potential ideal partner needs to have. Keep reading to discover in this PsicologíaOnline article, why we fall in love with one person and not another.

Let’s put some examples:

  • If when you were a child you had a teacher who seemed beautiful to you, she had big eyes and wore a certain perfume, now, as an adult, you will find women with big eyes very attractive, but if you look at a woman with big eyes and who also wears same perfume as your teacher, you will go crazy for her.
  • If as a child you really liked a neighbor who had green eyes, you will experience a strong attraction to green-eyed men in adulthood.
  • You get used to the tranquility or the fast pace of your home, to the values ​​that your mother has instilled in you, to how your father laughs, to how you walk or smell. Things as simple as if a girl admires her father’s ability to fix everything that breaks in the house, leave a deep mark on us. It is very likely that, in this case, tomorrow, that girl will feel attracted to men who have that same characteristic.

Mentioned components build our love map Qualities of temperament, of friends or family, that we admired as children will help form the pattern of what we are attracted to and what we reject. As we grow, our first love encounter completes that map of love and, thus, we create the prototype image we are looking for: Physical features, complexion, attitudes and so on, as well as scenarios, types of conversation and activities that stimulate us. The map of love is the result of our personal experiences of pleasure and pain lodged in our brain. Every contact with people of the opposite sex who are important to us is a stimulus that causes a positive or negative impression on our brain.

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It seems that before a person notices another person, they have already built a mental map, called “Lovemap”, which is an evolutionary mold that forms in our minds and brains. This model provides a unique image of loveas unique as our digital impressions are, the decisiveness of childhood memories, conscious and unconscious.

Sexologist John Money believes that the map of love exists first in the mind, in dreams and fantasies, and then those images can be translated into action with a partner. Children develop these maps between five and eight years of age from the combination of what is biologically inherited and what is acquired through different interactions shared with family members, friends, with experiences and chance events throughout life. , but it only manifests itself in its fullness after puberty.

It is also known that from 12-18 months, when children begin language acquisition and body schema construction, the sensations that make up an erotic imaginary universe are already the principles of future “Lovemaps”. The map of love contains the image of the beloved, his characteristics, her traits, etc.; It is like a native language that will persist throughout life, regardless of the couple that accompanies us.

a map of love conditions our attraction towards a certain type of people, and therefore, infatuation and love. It is a map that is drawn in our mind and that constitutes a complex mental representation of our idealized lover, including our idealized eroticaffective activity. The map of love is projected in the mental imagination and is expressed through dreams, fantasies and actions.

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Practically from the moment we are born, our love maps begin to be structured with all the information, experiences and stimuli that we process through the sense organs. Everything we experience as children leaves a mark on our lovemap. However, some traces can become stains that in the future will hinder the formation of harmonious emotional and erotic bonds with other human beings.