The development of empathy is always one of the main concerns of emotional education. The ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes and understand the feelings and motives of others comprises one of the most important skills in life in society, as well as influencing our level of personal satisfaction as it determines the quality of our relationships.
Encouraging the exercise of empathy is a common purpose in schools and also in the personal parenting plan of many parents, however, what is rarely addressed when talking about empathy and emotional intelligence is the need to be selectively empathetic.
In therapeutic praxis, for example, it is a logical and common sense agreement that sensitivity constitutes an important pillar in the personality of the psychologist to effectively treat a patient, while the excess sensitivity can be a problem. The excessively emotional therapist not only exposes himself to being seriously affected by the vicissitudes of the people he must help, he also hinders their recovery process.
Within the office, it is prudent professionals to know and practice the art of selective empathy to understand the point of view of others without allowing it to reduce our productivity, but what happens on the street and in everyday life? Are we aware of the disadvantages that misunderstood empathy brings?
Empathy, but with distance
For psychologist Marcia Reynolds (who refers to the topic in her article published in ), the first thing we should be clear about the purpose of empathy is that people are supposed to feel comfortable and willing to open up to us, to share what that they think and feel, for which it does not help at all to be someone subject to a reactive personality.
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“Others could feel misunderstood or disrespected. The response that you think is being supportive to them could hurt their confidence and make them stop feeling free to express themselves.”
In other words, confusing the ability to be empathetic with excessive emotionality that, among other things, makes us depend on the moods of others and ourselves, is a mistake. “You need to let your reactions fade.”explains Reynolds. “What you do is create a safe space between you and the other person so that you can identify and understand what others feel but without seeing yourself reflected in them”. In other words, psychological distancing is exercised.
Distancing (as we have addressed it in describing its usefulness as a survival resource during the Holocaust), is a strategy that urges us to distance ourselves from a specific situation and the discomfort that it produces in us to observe it from a general approach. Being empathetic with distance refers, therefore, to always being open to contemplating and understanding the reasons and feelings of others, but establishing a “safe space” that protects us and prevents us from being emotionally violated by circumstances.
Selective empathy is not synonymous with selfishness, frivolity or indifference, but rather comprises a basic measure of mental and emotional health. Simply put, Reynolds writes, there are people who allow themselves to be so affected by the moods and feelings of others that they begin to experience the appearance of physical symptoms as an “escape route” from tension.
Excess empathy produces stress and anxiety in them, which considerably affects their health, generating an overproduction of cortisol (a stress hormone directly linked to the development of , among them, ).
In cases like this, excessive emotionality not only ends up causing health problems for those who experience it, it can also deteriorate their interpersonal relationships by showing them as an irrationally sensitive or overly reactive person. According to Reynolds, this happens because excessively empathetic individuals embody the anger or sadness of others in their own skin so that they end up appearing to be victims in the first person of other people’s circumstances, a “intrusive reaction” that could isolate them from those they are supposed to help.
“(Others) could feel misunderstood or disrespected”explains Reynolds. “The response that you think is being supportive could hurt their confidence and perception of security and make them stop feeling free to express themselves.”
Most convenient? Selective empathy
Being selectively empathetic is, for Reynolds, the best alternative. Remaining open to listening to the problems and anguish of others without judging them and without becoming co-authors of their story is the best way to help them, not to mention that it offers us a shell of protection to protect our physical and mental health.
A non-reactive empathy It is the most advisable way to be empathetic without falling into the error of being excessively sensitive and fragile to the nature of the world, since it turns us into useful agents of change and enables us to help without feeling (paraphrasing Reynolds) the urge to jump up and go around repairing people.
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