Surely you have come across people who constantly make sure that everything goes according to their plans and who try to control everything around them, whether people, events or situations, without having a moment of relaxation. In general, most people appreciate the benefits of a predictable routine and having things go as planned, however, some of us can feel very stressed, upset or angry when life takes an unexpected turn.
So what is all this need for control? In this Psychology-Online article we explain in detail What is the need for control and how to overcome it.
What is the need for control
The need for control is an attempt to prevent unpredictable events, the variability of behavior and the situations of others. This manifests itself when one cannot live through uncertain situations with serenity, one is always afraid of making mistakes, one has difficulty managing stress, one feels a constant need to be reassured, one does not feel confident in the abilities of others, You feel an excessive sense of responsibility and you cannot leave even the most insignificant detail to chance.
Likewise, this need for control is often accompanied by intransigence, rigidity and detachment. The person strives to establish order, predict the unpredictable and not find himself unprepared. It is not about commitment and responsibility, but about an inner need to maintain the ideal image of oneself, independence and efficiency, which becomes a mask that blocks the person’s spontaneity.
Causes of the need for control
The need for control is generally a reaction to the fear of losing control. This fear usually comes from traumatic events from the past which made the person powerless and vulnerable. Likewise, abuse or neglect can cause victims to seek other ways to regain control of their lives, sometimes sabotaging those of others. For this reason, they may feel obligated to manage and schedule the actions and behaviors of others down to the smallest detail or maintain strict rules about their diet, cleanliness and order.
The causes of the need for control may be related to:
- Traumatic or abusive experiences.
- Lack of trust.
- Anxiety.
- .
- Low or impaired self-esteem.
- The person’s values, convictions and beliefs.
- Perfectionism and fear of failure.
- Emotional sensitivity and fear of experiencing painful emotions.
Examples of the need for control
How to detect the need for control? These are some signs that could indicate that there is a tendency to create control dynamics:
- You want things to be predictable and routine.
- You feel anxious, stressed and upset when things don’t go the way you want or expect.
- You are very organized and you like schemes without leaving room for flexibility.
- You want things done a specific way and you can’t delegate.
- You get stuck in “black or white” thinking, “all or nothing” without taking into account the nuances.
- You tend to procrastinate.
- You imagine the worst if things don’t go the way you want or expect.
- You have extremely high standards for yourself and others and you tend to be a perfectionist.
- You can be extremely demanding and critical.
- You give unsolicited advice because you think you know what others should do and how they should do it.
- It’s hard for you to relax.
- You hate and fear changes.
Of course, some of these traits and behaviors can be beneficial. However, if the controls are excessive, this type of behavior will end up generating circuits of anxiety and discomfort.
Consequences of an excessive need for control
Being a control freak means being unable to handle danger and the unexpected. For this reason, hyper-controlling people They usually have low self-esteem that makes them think that they are not capable of facing situations. At the same time, they feel afraid of disappointing others, of being vulnerable, of betraying the trust that others have placed in you, as well as the constant suspicion that they will be betrayed and the feeling of not having received anything in return for what they have given. given.
Generally, the negative memory of an experience of “lack of control” terrifies the person, so they will try to avoid all similar situations, thus reinforcing the anxiety circuit, since control mania causes a continuous state of tension muscle and body stiffness. As a consequence, people with an excessive need for control will have a constant feeling of tiredness and fatigue.
On an emotional level, hypercontrol blocks deep emotions. In this way, feelings of guilt, anger, sadness will remain silent and generate great frustration.
How to overcome the need for control
How to eliminate the need to control everything? Except in cases where the need for control is not an indicator of more severe conditions, such as personality and anxiety disorders, this condition can be managed by working on oneself. Next, we show you some strategies to learn to overcome the need for control:
Gain awareness
To start, you will have to detect and accept your excessive controlling behaviors and write them down on a sheet of paper. This exercise will help you anticipate and plan an alternative response in situations where your obsession with control is likely to arise.
Explore your feelings
To change your control behaviors you will have to dig deeper into underlying causes. To do this, start by asking yourself what fears are guiding your controlling behavior.
When emotions are strong, they can distort our thoughts. For this reason, it is also important to ask yourself if these fears are rational or you are simply catastrophizing, if you are using dichotomous thinking or if you are performing a cognitive distortion.
Challenge the thought that causes fear
Once you have identified distorted fear-based thinking, you can challenge it and replace it with calmer thoughts and functional. For example, you can challenge a catastrophic thought like “if we don’t leave by six, our entire vacation will be ruined,” by asking yourself the likelihood of this actually happening, whether it’s helpful to think this way, or whether you’re just focusing on the negative aspects. negatives.
These questions can help you expand your thoughts and see that being late may thwart some of your plans, but it won’t necessarily ruin your entire vacation.
Accept what is out of your control
We are aware that we can only control ourselves, and yet we keep trying to convince our partners and children to do things the “right” way or make the right decisions. For this reason, it is important to distinguish what is under our control and what is not and stop giving unwanted advice.
It’s important to know surrender to what is out of our control and allowing people to make their own decisions without forcing them to change at our will.
Embrace imperfection in yourself and others
Part of acceptance is recognize that none of us are perfect, since we all make mistakes, forget things, make bad decisions, etc. We must expect and accept that sometimes goals are not achieved, plans fail, people disappoint us and accidents happen.
Likewise, trying to micromanage people and situations doesn’t stop these types of things from happening and can end up pushing them away from us.
Reduce stress and anxiety
The idea of stopping in a state of uncertainty includes the ideas of acceptance and surrender in a calm way, tolerating not knowing what is going to happen and not trying to control it. To achieve this type of peace of mind it is necessary exercise to calm the mind and bodysuch as practicing, exercising, relaxing massages or calming rituals.
Not all unexpected changes are negative
Our catastrophic thinking leads us to assume that any unexpected change is negative, but this is false. Being summoned to a meeting with your boss does not mean that you are in trouble, but rather that he or she may want to compliment your work or offer you a new opportunity. Or, just because the girl you just met cancels dinner plans doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, because you might have an even better date next week.
Try to be open to the possibility that an unexpected change can be positiveeven if in another similar situation in the past this was not the case.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Antera Clinic (2021). Come on, you will have the first step in control and you will not fail in the anxiety circuit. Retrieved from: https://www.consultorioantera.it/articoli-di-psicologia-e-psicoterapia/come-fermare-il-bisogno-di-controllo-e-non-cadere-nel-circuito-dell-ansia.html
- Ribaudo, G. (2022). Control mania: an ossessione pericolosa. Cause, symptomi, cure. Retrieved from: https://www.cozily.it/blog/la-mania-del-controllo-cause-sintomi-e-cura/
- Online Italian Psychology Service (2020). Mania di controllo sutto e tutti: perchè? Retrieved from: https://psicologi-online.it/mania-di-controllo/
- Travini, S. (2019). Soffri di control mania? Ecco eat if you know. Retrieved from: https://www.ohga.it/soffri-di-mania-di-controllo-ecco-come-si-riconosce/
- Zanusso, G. (2022). Come secure the first step of control. Retrieved from: https://www.psicologo-treviso.it/come-fermare-il-bisogno-di-controllo/