Do we really know what the difference is between love and desire? On the one hand, love is considered a feeling of affection that implies a deep emotional bond. Feeling love for a person means genuinely esteeming them, without expecting anything in return. However, desire is a sexual impulse motivated by physical attraction to another person, which is based on the search for sexual pleasure and satisfaction.
However, love and desire are not exclusive concepts. There are relationships with love, others in which the desire for physical attraction is shared and, finally, bonds in which love and desire exist in equal parts. So that you know how to correctly identify these two conditions, in this Psychology-Online article we clarify what is the difference between love and desire.
Time
If you ask yourself “How do you know if it is love or just desire?”, studying the amount of time you dedicate to that person with whom you share the relationship is essential. The creation of deep emotional bond that characterizes love requires timesince it is built with patience, affection and mutual respect.
On the contrary, desire is an impulse that is born immediately when faced with an external stimulus that seems exciting or attracts us. Furthermore, the consummation of the desire usually occurs immediately upon experiencing this feeling. Therefore, it does not require a longer period of time as does love.
Depth
In the case of love, we seek to create a strong and lasting bond which involves delving into one’s own and the other person’s feelings and emotions. This means truly getting to know your partner, their fears and vulnerabilities, while also letting your authentic self be seen. You may find this moment difficult at first, but you will learn a lot about the relationship and your partner.
However, in the case of desire, the connection needed to carry out the sexual impulse is superficial. Since an emotional bond is not required to maintain sexual relations and achieve sexual satisfaction. Therefore, it could be said that love is a deep feeling and desire is a superficial feeling.
Duration
Another difference between love and desire is that, as mentioned above, love requires time to build. Therefore, love is continuous, prolonged and slow. That is, we do not fall in love with someone for the simple fact of perceiving physical attraction, but rather The relationship needs perseverance and affection so that you really know the other person and they also know who you are.
While desire, for its part, does not require time because, just feeling attracted to the other person is enough. Which defines desire as fleeting, sudden and fast.
Commitment
Commitment involves an agreement between two people who decide to stay together. In love, there is that commitment that allows establishing rules in the relationship and giving a name to what they have formed together. Therefore, the emotional responsibility It becomes one of the fundamental pillars that sustain the relationship.
However, desire does not require commitment, since it is not necessary to label anything to maintain sudden sexual intercourse. In this type of ties in which the fleeting nature of passion plays an important role, we can identify cases in which interpersonal relationships are treated with a certain superficiality, often for a great deal.
However, the lack of commitment in a relationship does not imply betrayal or the lie. In our article we explain how to have this type of bond by being honest with ourselves and with the other person with whom we share time.
Date of Expiry
In this list of differences between love and desire, this point especially stands out, since, when we build love, we don’t think about the end. That is to say, being in a type of relationship to which we constantly take care and to which we dedicate quality time, we do not think that it will ever end. On the contrary, our efforts are aimed at improving and building this bond.
This is because love grows progressively over time; while, in the case of desire, on the contrary, we are aware that it has a early end date. For desire, once it has been satisfied, fades away.
Protagonist
When we think about love, and we have to identify a protagonist or main person, the other person comes to mind. Genuinely, we want that person to feel happiness. For this reason, it arises spontaneously to dedicate our care and our attention to them and we are happy for their achievements.
But, when we think about desire, without a doubt the protagonist is ourselves and our feelings. Since, we seek self-satisfaction through the achievement of sexual pleasure. However, there must be a mutual agreement so that the other person with whom you share this pleasurable experience knows exactly your intentions and you both enjoy it equally.
Fun
When we feel love for another person we want to share time together and have fun, both in sexual relations and through other leisure activities or activities of interest to both of us. In this case, there is a need to share a wide variety of experiences because it is about your partner is a life partner and not just a lover.
But when we desire someone sexually, only we look for that person to have sexual fun. That is, when we want to have sexual relations and obtain sexual satisfaction. Now, the other person must know your intentions so that you are both aware of the type of relationship you want and the purpose of your meetings.
Intentions
To understand what love and desire are, we must take into account what is intended in the relationship. In the first case, the intentions we have when we fall in love with another person can be very diverse, but they all they go beyond sex. For example, we intend to find someone who understands us and cares about us and vice versa.
Also, we can seek to live with that person, and even start a family. However, the only intention we have when we desire someone is to have sexual relations and achieve sexual pleasure what we want
Family and friends
When there is love between two people, they look for integrate the couple into our closest environment so that it ends up being part of our lives and the group of people we consider family. This has to do with the intention of getting to know our partner and for them to know us in a deeper way.
On the contrary, when we feel desire for someone, the last thing we want is for them to meet our family and friends to avoid creating an unnecessary link with said person; which is coherent if we remember that relationships without commitment have the main objective of feeling sexual pleasure.
Compatibility
When we fall in love with another person we are interested in knowing their tastes and interests to know if they complement ours. That is to say, we think long term, wanting to know if that person we feel love for can fit with us. If in your case you want to find out the harmony you have with your partner, take our .
In the case of desire, the opposite happens, we are not interested in getting to know the other person beyond the sexual sphere. Given that That would mean going deeper. in said relationship and, we remember, the fundamental intention of this type of relationship is to share moments of fun and pleasure.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Gala, FJ, Lupiani, M., Guillén, C., Gómez, A., Bernalte, A., Raja, R., … & Lupiani, N. (2005). Desire and love: the unfinished man. Notebooks of Psychosomatic Medicine, 74, 30-45. Available at: https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Francisco-Gala/publication/28099907_El_deseo_y_el_amor_el_mujer_inacabado/links/56f948d308ae7c1fda311457/El-deseo-y-el-amor-el-mujer-inacabado.pdf
- Echeverría-Lozano, A. (2017). Sexual desire in young people from Mexico City: love vs pleasure. Journal of Behavior, Health & Social Issues, 9(2), 45-53. Available at: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S200707801830004X