Hoovering is a very common manipulation technique, used in various forms by highly manipulative people, and one you should definitely know about! The hoovering technique is frequently used by daffodils.
This technique is named after the famous American “Hoover” vacuum cleaner, as it consists of the daffodil’s attempt to suck the former partner back into the relationship, even after months or years since the end of the relationship. Knowing it is equivalent to not suffering from it, so in this Psychology-Online article we will discover together What is hoovering in a relationship and how to identify it.
What is hoovering
Hoovering It is a manipulative technique based on messages or calls, which the narcissist uses to create feelings of absorbing his ex, a true trap into which to make his victim fall, once again.
This means of manipulation, hoovering or vacuum cleaner technique, is used when the prey is moving away from the narcissist, regardless of the reason why the latter decided to leave. So that you understand it better, I will explain to you examples of narcissistic hoovering:
The narcissist is discovered and blamed for a betrayal or the narcissist has realized that his partner wants to leave permanently. Given this, a person who is not a narcissist tends to experience feelings of guilt that lead him to ask for forgiveness.
Well, the narcissist, with hoovering, simulates that! That is, he will begin to implement manipulative strategies that make his prey rethink their decisions. The substantial difference lies in the fact that those who do not suffer from the disorder, when faced with regret, redeem themselves and try not to repeat the same mistakes. However, a narcissist does it to regain control and continue manipulating.
Now that we have understood why the psychopath hoovers, it is essential to understand how he does it. To do this, below I show you 12 signs that allow you to identify the vacuum cleaner technique.
Pretend the breakup never happened
This is one of the narcissists’ tricks that most They plunge you into total confusion. You have closed the relationship and you are sure of it. You haven’t seen each other in a while and maybe you’ve even met other people. Suddenly, however, you get, for example, a gift with a “Happy Valentine’s Day” card attached.
This unexpected stimulus catches you unarmed and, despite everything, it generates a sweet thought in you. Therefore, you begin to automatically rewind to the memory of the good times. And before you know it, you are already calling the narcissistic person to thank them for the present. In fact, she has been a victim of narcissistic hoovering.
He tells you how much he loves and adores you.
Sensitive people love hearing the expression “I love you”: it invokes feelings of happiness and esteem. They feel understood and love the feeling of having a person nearby who really wants to be with them. For this reason, narcissists understand that the need to be loved is fundamental for human beings and they use these words as a weapon. Are the love bombing and hoovering techniques or vacuum technique together.
He will tell you that you are his soulmate and that you are destined to be together. These proclamations are fueled, in fact, by a person’s need to feel loved and by the fact that many people have a very romantic ideal in the corners of their brain. But this kind of “love” is more of an unhealthy obsession, also honest and good, sincere and healthy.
Play with sentimental reminiscences
The narcissist knows that you have had “good times”, he counts on your memory of those times and tries to feed on it. Some narcissistic hoovering examples are:
- It sends you a message full of nostalgia and sentimentality, reminding you that on that same day the two of you went on a romantic vacation.
- He tells you that he saw a movie and thought about you.
- He calls you to tell you that he found an old photo together.
You find it by chance
Other examples of narcissistic hoovering are those based on “accidental” contact, which can occur in two ways:
- wrong text: You can expect the typical “sorry, I wanted to send that text to someone else” message.
- Wrong missed call: writes you the message “Hello, did you try to contact me?”
In any case, this is one of the cowardly tricks that a wannabe narcissist will use to drag you into a conversation with the vacuum cleaner technique. In fact, if you respond to the messages that come to you from social media, you will know that you will once again spin the wheel in favor of the narcissist.
It tells you that there is a crisis
Even if they have been a toxic person in your life, seeing another human being go through a crisis breaks your heart. That’s why narcissists will use several crises to suck you in. Therefore, you could receive a phone call or a message informing you that he, she or a family member is the victim of a serious accident or is seriously ill, to make your heart tremble.
Before the hoovering, you will feel the right impulse and motivation to go and comfort them or try to help them in some way. Often, however, the crisis has been exaggerated or even non-existent.
Use flying monkeys
This is a common strategy of the most cunning narcissists. They want them to come back, but at the same time they don’t want their ego to be hurt by a flat out rejection, said face to face. Therefore, send a mutual friend or one of their relatives with whom they have kept in contact to defend their cause. In short, they think that by having someone else soften them up, they will be more likely to return to their steps when they leave for the attack.
If you want to know more about the narcissist’s allies, read this interesting post about .
Apologizes again and again
It’s easy to fall into this trap the first few times you promise, but when behavior does not change, you already know that everything is a setup. Just because you apologize now doesn’t mean you’ve made miraculous changes in his life. A radical change in behavior is unlikely in narcissistic or sociopath people, they are putting into practice hoovering or the vacuum cleaner technique.
try to seduce you
When we see someone looking at and appreciating our social media posts, perhaps even leaving comments, we may think that they feel affection toward us. If it’s someone we’ve broken off a relationship with, it may seem like they feel remorse for things they might have done to hurt you.
However, when it comes to narcissists, this is not the case at all: try to soften you over the Internet to see if you will fall in love with his false interest. And if you give in to their social media hoovering, don’t be surprised when they block you quickly and without warning.
He gives you gifts
Giving gifts is not something narcissists do out of an innate desire to be kind or considerate: when narcissists give you gifts, They consider it an investment in themselves. Some want you to lose your balance, especially if they are greedy and miserly in the relationship.
In their mind, if they give you a gift, they hope it makes you think they really care; However, don’t be fooled: he didn’t have an epiphany and finally saw your value. Once you have succumbed to his selfish agenda, will abuse you again like before.
Tells you what you want to hear
But the one thing all narcissists have in common is their masterful use of words to convey the one heartfelt message you’ve been wanting to hear from them forever. If getting engaged and starting a family is important to you, they’ll suddenly offer to take you ring shopping; If you’ve always wanted them to be nicer to your kids, they’ll offer to take them on an adventure.
If you have dreamed of the day when they stop being unfaithful, they will say that they went to therapy for sex addiction. These are all examples of narcissistic hoovering. future falsificationin reality he has absolutely no intention of doing these things he has promised you.
Use the love bombing technique
It can be stated, without a shadow of a doubt, that love bombing is the most powerful form of suction, it is a classic psychopath’s hoovering technique. A deluge of adoration, attention, kindness and promises, until you’re hooked. Daffodils know the power of hoovering: they know how to direct your deepest needs, your desires, and by giving you a little here and there, they keep you under their control.
Examples of covert narcissist hoovering
- Message of false emotional closeness: Hello how are you? I was thinking about you because I know you’re sad this time of year!
- gaslighting messages: texts sent as if nothing had happened, although a few months before the police were called to divide you.
- Messages or calls for special occasions: “It’s your birthday and I would like to be there with you!”
- Messages about children: “Hello, I know you hate me, but tell Valerio that it hurts dad not to be with him.”
- Messages about future events: “Hello! I know you said you didn’t want to see me anymore, but your favorite singer is giving a concert, how about we go?”
- Messages about things you like but never liked: “Shall we do a vegetarian cooking course? Paola and Renato are also going.”
- Messages about family problems or personal crises: “Hello. I wanted to let you know that I am very sick and sometimes I think bad thoughts.”
- Messages sent by “error” to you but addressed to another: “Hello, see you in 10 minutes at the corner of your house. Dress like yesterday. You looked great!”
- Messages that appeal to your guilt: “Can you give me another chance? Let’s do it for the kids.”
- Messages that allude to a deep connection between you or sex: “You are my soulmate, I miss hugging you” or “How do you know you love me, no one else can. You are special.”
- Messages that make hoovering seem like your initiative: “Hello. Have you called me?”
- Messages with accusations: “Why are you harassing me?”, “Why are you calling my mother?”, “I just discovered that you have betrayed me” and other unfounded accusations.
Now that you know what hoovering is in a relationship and how to identify it, we advise you to read so that you stop being a victim of this type of deception.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Saeed, K. (2018). 10 Types of Hoovers and How to Powerfully Respond. Retrieved from: https://kimsaeed.com/2018/03/10/7-types-of-hoovers-and-how-to-powerfully-respond/