I have always heard that it is better to forgive than to feel resentment, however, I also know how difficult it is to forgive when someone has damaged the trust we had in him or her. And that, even forgiving them, there is still a trace of resentment and pain within us, which will mean that our relationship with that person will never be the same again.
But exactly, do we know what resentment really is? Do we really know how it affects us? Or on the contrary, do we simply associate unknown emotions with the concept of resentment? In this Psychology-Online article we want to explain what is resentment in psychology and how this has a strong impact on us.
Definition of grudge
Initially I am going to let you know the definition given by the RAE to the term resentmentwhich refers to the “feeling of hostility or great resentment towards a person because of an offense or harm received.”
This feeling with negative connotations It has a strong impact on us, since it is practically inconceivable to feel good about ourselves when this inappropriate feeling is ruminating through our mind.
The main characteristic of resentment is that it is independent of time, that is, there is no correct period of time to feel resentment. Otherwise, this feeling can last in a person for many years.
What does resentment mean in psychology?
Resentment has the main characteristic of being a obstacle to proper restoration of a relationship morality between two people. That is to say, a relationship truncated by a certain act can never return to what it was if there is a certain degree of resentment on the part of either of the two parties involved.
This feeling stands out for being a iron resentment, which is very difficult to make disappear. It is shown in those people who they have felt hurt for others. This feeling can lead to the experience of anger and rejection towards the person who caused the discomfort.
From the point of view of psychology, being a spiteful person It can be linked to a personality disorder, since, although we are all capable of feeling this feeling, some people, such as those who suffer from , are unable to forget the insults or insults towards them.
Why do you feel resentment?
This feeling can have its origin due to multiple causes, such as an insult, a breach of trust, a lie or deception, an offense or even abuse.
According to Kancyper (2003), there is a memory of resentment, which aims to create in people a hope of revenge towards the person who has harmed us in the future. To do this, our mind allows us relive the feelings That act created us, thus making it very difficult for us to forget about it.
The person who feels resentment towards someone tends to create in his or her imagination a series of revenge fantasies about the person to whom that feeling is held. These fantasies do not just increase hostile attitude towards the other individual.
In a broad way, we could say that resentment is a unresolved emotion in the person, where after a situation that generated discomfort in the individual, he was not able to express himself or face it, so repress that discomfort and keeps it inside, transforming it into rejection.
How to stop feeling resentful towards someone
If you feel resentment, you may ask yourself how to eliminate rancor and resentment. Because resentment is an unhealthy feeling that creates a feeling of discomfort in people and that can end up leading to hatred and revenge, below I present some tips to overcome resentment:
- Correctly identify the feeling. A momentary anger with someone, which will disappear in a short time, is not the same as feeling the need for revenge for something they have done to us.
- Observe the consequences. It consists of identifying how the feeling of resentment is affecting us and what it is causing in us (anger, discomfort, hatred,…)
- Communication. To do this, it is not necessary to talk to the person who caused this feeling in us. But the goal is to let off steam, so any trusted person can give us their support. You can even go to a professional for help.
- Accept what happened. Sometimes pain prevents us from accepting what has happened to us, because it is easier to hate than to forgive. Here you can see the . However, if we want to feel good about ourselves, we have to make the best decisions and, one of them, is to accept that we cannot change what has happened and therefore accept what happened.
- Make the decision and take action. It is important to be determined to end that feeling. If you want to eradicate resentment, you cannot go back to the past over and over again, but rather you have to look forward and turn the page.
- Be a little selfish. This point is perhaps the one that can create the most controversy in us, since it is about being selfish with our well-being. That is, we have to want to be well and to do this, once we realize that with resentment the only thing we do is feel bad, we have to want to eliminate it. It is worth clarifying that it does not mean being selfish with the negative connotation that is usually given to the word, but simply thinking about ourselves and taking care of ourselves as we would do with a loved one. In the following article we go into more depth on the topic: .
Also, here you will find others.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Kancyper, L. (2003). The memory of resentment and the memory of pain. Exchanges, papers of psychoanalysis/Intercanvis, papers of psychoanàlisi, (10), 84-94.
- Murphy, J. G. (1982). Forgiveness and resentment. Midwest Studies in Philosophy, 7(1), 503-516.
- Porto, J. and Merino, M. Published: 2014. Updated: 2016. Definicion.de: Definition of resentment (https://definicion.de/rencor/)