It is normal for a person in love to find it difficult to see the person they love suffer. However, for some people this experience becomes so distressing that they cannot tolerate the other person’s discomfort, coming to feel responsible for it and trying to alleviate it at all costs.
These people maintain the belief that if their partner feels pain it is their responsibility or fault, so they must make all kinds of efforts so that they do not feel sad, alone, etc. However, the belief that another person’s pain is our responsibility can be problematic, leading to the development of an unhealthy way of relating: a symbiotic relationship. In this Psychology-Online article, we explain What is a symbiotic relationship and how to break it.
In a romantic relationship, it is necessary to have the security that is created when both members recognize the other as an independent person with their own interests and concerns outside the relationship. On the contrary, in a symbiotic relationship, characteristics that make people unique are perceived as a threatso they try to suppress themselves.
In a desire to unite with the other, symbiotic relationships create a fusion between two people who feel incomplete and cannot function without the psychological or real presence of the other. Generally, one member of the relationship takes the lead and the protection of his partner, while the other is characterized by a fragility that prevents him from taking charge of his life.
Examples of symbiotic relationships
Here are some examples of symbiotic relationships:
- A person feels guilty for their spouse’s discomfort and he is not able to tolerate his anger, so he constantly belittles him, ignores his partner, does not listen to him, or resorts to sarcasm. The other person responds more angrily, trying to make themselves heard. They both share the belief that their pain is the other’s responsibility.
- A person insults and belittles the interests of his or her partner, making you feel that they are meaningless or ridiculous. Her partner, embarrassed, renounces her aspirations to please the other person. Both are afraid of abandonment, but while the first person expresses it through criticism, the second does so by being complacent.
We can recognize symbiotic couple relationships through the following criteria:
- Capacity limitated to be aware, respectful and appreciate the identity of the couple outside the relationship. The aspects that differentiate the person from the relationship are perceived as a threat, so they can be questioned and rejected.
- It is assumed how the couple should behave, based on your own needs and preferences. There may be a loss of empathy and the partner may be treated as if they were an object rather than an individual person. This is known as “reification.”
- One or both members of the couple They feel responsible for the emotions of others. This often results in emotional overflow, which also feeds this emotion onto their partner. In the long run, intimacy ends up being an exhausting experience.
- The couple’s relationship is the only source of support. Family and social networks are reduced, either due to conflicts with the family of origin or due to external sources of tension.
- Better adjustment to the relationship principle that remains under great expectations, support and validation in the face of the progressive fragility of one of its members.
- Emergence of conflicts as a consequence of the lack of individual recognition, refusal to put aside personal projects, not receiving the expected emotional support and/or emotional blackmail from the partner who appears fragile or dependent on the relationship. Find out in this article.
- Two main trends in which conflict is managed. On the one hand, the total avoidance of conflict, where both people do not allow themselves to have different opinions (symbiotic dynamics). On the other hand, constant fights in which both members of the couple do not find space for their differences (symbiotic-hostile dynamics). ). If this is your case, you can consult this article about .
- The reasons for staying in the relationship are usually fear of loneliness, the need for companythe desire to establish a serious relationship and share a vital project.
Sometimes people are guided by two forces that push us in opposite directions. On the one hand, the need to have a close connection and be loved, and on the other, the desire to maintain our individuality and autonomy. However, in a symbiotic relationship, people often find themselves between one of these two forces, feeling the need to choose between being themselves or being close to their partner.
So, how do we eliminate this tendency to “objectify” our partner? To break the symbiosis in the couple it is necessary see our partner as a person separate from the relationship. This is the way to achieve not only a deeper connection, but also to have healthier relationships with others and with yourself.
According to Harville Hendrix, reciprocity between two distinct and separate people, but connected at the same time, is the beginning of true love. This process is known as differentiation.
How to establish differentiation in a symbiotic relationship
As symbiosis diminishes (“you and I are one”), differentiation emerges (“you and I are different and that is okay”). Differentiation is not isolation or loneliness, but the ability to balance autonomy and proximity so that both needs are not exclusive.
When we differentiate ourselves, we learn to be connected to our thoughts, values and feelings, while staying close to significant people in our lives. For differentiation to occur, the following is necessary:
- Disrupt the predominant dynamic of the relationship: leave behind the fantasy of joining or merging with the couple and celebrate their autonomy.
- Recognize and accept your own and your partner’s differences: consider them as strengths and not threats. Explore the beliefs, preferences and vulnerabilities of each member of the couple to achieve a more personal positioning.
- Learn to tolerate the initial discomfort that differences can generate and assume a clearer individual position. This is essential to be able to make decisions freely, both inside and outside the context of the relationship.
- Replace judgments with curiosity and knowledge of your partner: in this way, we discover and accept the reality of our partner. When both people really get to know each other, the space between them becomes fertile ground for experiencing a deeper connection.
- Restoration of empathy: When we expand our ability to differentiate ourselves from our partner, we break the symbiotic fusion. It is the emotion that prevents us from being able to differentiate ourselves, without losing the humanity of the couple. It is not enough to understand that the couple is different, we must also have empathy for their difference.
It is important foster empathy in a conflict situation, since without empathy the “not me” can become “not human” and “not worth worrying about.” Empathy keeps the connection alive between people whose differences could drive them apart. In this way, we ultimately turn empathy into connection. In the following article you will find more information about .