Infidelity is usually experienced as a great betrayal and, when it is discovered in a relationship, trust in the couple is often broken and can lead to a breakup. However, while sexual infidelity is clear enough to identify and is generally more outright rejected, there is a “lesser” form of cheating that can hurt just as much as sexual infidelity: microinfidelity.
Microinfidelities are those behaviors in the context of a couple that resemble infidelity, but without crossing the line of sexual contact. So, can they be considered infidelity? Why do they occur and how can we detect them? In this Psychology-Online article, we will explain What are microinfidelities and how to detect them.
Microinfidelities are those subtle behaviors of a person in a monogamous relationship towards third parties. These behaviors, seemingly trivial, are sometimes not considered infidelity in themselves, however, they do share some characteristics, such as dishonesty and secrets. To better identify them, we suggest you consult this article on .
Therefore, although at first they may seem unimportant or easy to ignore, microinfidelities can cause great damage to relationships. Despite there being no sexual relations involved, microinfidelities can cross the limit, trust and a couple’s unspoken agreements in other ways.
Psychologist María Esclapez warns us that this term can be very invalidating for those people who feel hurt by some behavior commonly called “microinfidelity”, since the prefix “micro” can give the impression that they are unimportant. Furthermore, she adds that these people may feel that their pain is meaningless.
Examples of micro-unhappiness
If you want to better understand what microinfidelities are, here are some examples:
- Sending text messages to someone in a provocative, raunchy manner or with the intention of flirting.
- Continually liking photos and social media posts of someone you find attractive.
- Lying about your relationship status to make yourself seem less serious than you really are.
- Maintain a profile on a dating app.
- Give your phone number to a person who you know is attracted to you or that you are attracted to.
- Do everything you can to look attractive so you can impress a person who is not your partner.
- Talking about your sex life, sending text messages or nudes (nude photos).
- Communicate frequently with someone who is trying to flirt with you.
- Take off your wedding ring before going out.
- Flirt with other people.
- Maintain regular communication with an ex or old love.
If you’re wondering if texting your ex or meeting up with a person you’re attracted to for drinks is microinfidelity, consider the motivation behind these behaviors and how your partner would feel if they found out. Do you frequently hide relevant information from your partner? Could your actions hurt your partner or the relationship? How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
Your answers can clarify whether microinfidelities are in play or not, as they will reveal whether these acts provoke feelings of hurt and betrayal.
Every relationship draws its own red lines as to what constitutes infidelity. What is considered betrayal for one couple is not for another. Even so, microinfidelities show that attention is sought from someone who is not your partner and that can be a warning sign.
One of the world’s leading experts on romantic relationships, psychotherapist Tammy Nelson, explains that microinfidelities occur when you create small opportunities for affectionate behaviors that fall outside of your relationship. This habit in one or both members of the couple can occur in both happy and unhappy couples and, although it is different in each relationship and situation, it is usually due to lack of satisfaction in the relationship.
Other main reasons that can cause microinfidelities are:
- Poorly defined limits as to what is considered infidelity and what can damage the relationship.
- Problems with intimacy, for example, a marriage without sexual relations.
- Lack of communication in a relationship.
- of one or both members of the couple.
- One or both members of the couple feel abandoned, bored in the relationship, or need to experience new or forgotten emotions.
Related to the last point, sometimes these acts are not so much about an attraction to another person, but rather a attraction to a new “I” or a “forgotten self.” In this way, having a person pay attention to you can help you feel more attractive, desired, or important. If this is happening in your relationship, it is important that you express it to your partner honestly and directly to strengthen the trust and commitment in your relationship.
Microinfidelities are not always easy to detect, but the most common places in which they usually manifest are social networks, work or within one’s own friendships. While it is true that each situation and couple is different, below you will see the signs of microinfidelities more frequent.
Secrecy
The secrets, lies and deception They are usually at the epicenter of any form of infidelity, and microinfidelities are no exception. Generally, in microinfidelities lies by omission, that is, important information is deliberately hidden from the partner, since it is likely that if she found out, she could feel hurt. This may involve the following behaviors:
- Hide the true use of social networks.
- Delete text messages or emails.
- Whisper during a phone call.
- Go out and answer where no one can hear.
- Keep the phone face down near your partner.
Although it is normal for people to maintain their privacy, secrecy can indicate larger problems related to trust and loyalty. In the following article you will find information about.
Decreased attention and/or affection
A person immersed in microinfidelities may often seem distracted and/or preoccupied, as if their mind is somewhere else. In these cases, it is normal for people to become distracted from time to time, especially during difficult and/or stressful times.
Therefore, the lack of constant attention towards the partner It is a warning sign, not only for infidelity, but also for the level of commitment in the relationship.
Crossing relationship boundaries
In general, microinfidelities and infidelities occur when a person crosses boundaries in their relationship. around trust and fidelity. Therefore, the person who commits microinfidelities is crossing the red lines agreed upon with his or her partner.
For example, communicating with an ex-partner despite knowing that this makes the current partner uncomfortable, or “liking” photos of people you find attractive on social media even though your partner has repeatedly asked you not to. Do it. In many cases, the couple’s boundaries, whether defined or implicit, are crossed.
defensive attitude
People who cheat usually downplay or flatly deny any form of dishonesty when they are discovered or confronted. For this reason, defensiveness can involve deviating from the topic, denying the action or attitude, blaming the partner, and/or making excuses.
Using social networks to flirt
If your partner is constantly online, on the phone or on social networks sending messages and checking mobile to give or get attention to people you find attractive, this indicates that you want to keep your options open with other people and little commitment to your partner. In these situations we recommend you consult this article.
Hide your relationship
In these cases, your partner would not only not be including you in important areas of his life, but he could be actively hiding you, such as, for example, avoiding photographs with you on their social networks. If you don’t know any of your partner’s friends, acquaintances, or family, this could be a sign that he or she has something to hide.
While microinfidelities are ultimately defined by both partners, they can certainly be a harmful form of infidelity. Thus, It is essential to talk and establish healthy limits in relationships, including clear conversations about what each person considers infidelity.
Likewise, if you consider that microinfidelities have occurred in your relationship, it is important that you give your emotions a place, establish healthy limits, and communicate them honestly to your partner. If your feelings, your need for clarity and transparency, and the damage caused by your partner’s behaviors are not respected and validated, it may be time to rethink the relationship.