A boy might want to eat sweets, but be afraid of gaining weight; A smoker has the desire to light up a cigarette, followed at the same time by the knowledge that smoking is bad. The situations that can give rise to contradictory feelings are numerous; phases in which the coexistence of positive and negative emotions, directed simultaneously at the same object, can determine an emotional ambivalence, that is, make us experience love and hate at the same time. It is a common experience given the complexity of the society in which we live, which helps shape our ambivalent relationships. With this Psychology-Online article we are going to try to explain What are mixed feelings and how to deal with them.
Why do we have mixed feelings?
To put it in the words of K. Lewin, it may happen that two psychic forces of more or less equal intensity that are simultaneously present in a subject do not refer to two different situations (or activities, or objects, or people), but rather the same situation, which assumes in their eyes, in some aspects, a positive evaluation, and in others, a negative one: a double valence, as indicated by the term “ambivalence”, used to indicate this specific type of conflict.
The most widespread forms of emotional ambivalence They manifest themselves as love and hatred towards the loved person and the favorite activities, as well as the contemporary need to build and destroy, to commit and escape from the various undertakings of life. Affective ambivalence can only be schematically reduced to a coexistence or rapid alternation of love and hate, but in reality it is made up of a whole range of feelings and attitudes:
- On the one hand there are positive affects towards the object as care, concern, admiration, pride, pleasure, tenderness, sweetness, affection, etc.;
- On the other hand, negative affects such as negligence, contempt, resentment, anger, malice, the desire for revenge and the infliction of pain.
What does it mean to have mixed feelings?
Therefore, if we want to interpret and understand the opposite and interdependent feelings that are felt, we must refer to the concept of ambivalence. Dictionaries define affective ambivalence as the “coexistence in a person of emotional attitudes of love and hate or other opposite feelings directed at the same object or situation“. This paradox of coexistence, in addition to not being cooperative, is strongly conflictive because, as Freud (1926) wrote, whoever is the subject of it “experiences a well-founded love and a not so justified hatred towards the same person.”
The concept of ambivalence was used for the first time by E. Bleuler (1910) to indicate those situations of psychic life in which opposite feelings of equal strength they coexist without being able to make a choice between ones and others. The concept is used not only to examine pathological situations, but also to account for a large number of aspects of “normal” psychological life. Indeed, a large part of psychic experiences are not only characterized by conflicting demands, none of which can prevail over the others, but at the price of serious losses.
How to deal with mixed feelings
Living a strong condition of ambivalence can lead to frustration, confusion, uncertainty and indecision, up to the moment of anguish, seasoned by terrible remorse and feelings of guilt. In these dramatic conditions, whoever is afflicted by it unconsciously flees from the ambivalent emotion in the only possible way: by repressing the negative part of it.
An example is the relationship: love is the most beautiful feeling that exists, a true launching pad for happiness; However, how many boyfriends, spouses, partners, friends live in a deeply conflictive sentimental condition without being able to get out of it for fear of suffering and/or making others suffer? A certain degree of ambivalence, as we have seen, is normal, and it is also normal in love; but it becomes pathological if its persistence comes to condition the expression of the relationship.
- To get out of this situation that confuses and paralyzes, it is important stop and analyze everything with lucidity to understand which path to choose and regain serenity. The best way to manage ambivalence is, in fact, to observe it, know it and understand it.
- One has to accept doubts, fears, negative feelings that from time to time arise without dramatizing or taking them as the ultimate truth about the relationship but only as an indication of how we feel about our partner at a given moment. Emotions are by nature changeable, they come and go, but they can be a valuable help if we can decipher their message.
- Sometimes, however, introspection may not be enough, especially when trying to resolve a problem of deep-rooted ambivalence; In cases like this it is more appropriate psychotherapy.
Another example is pregnancy, which is presented as a time of transitional crisis where conflicts arise between the new life and the past life, the social and work role achieved and what will unfold, between joys and fears, in which the protagonists of mental life are multiple. Indeed, any pregnancy, even if highly desired and with an uncomplicated course, can give rise to contradictory feelings. Planning to have a child, imagining what role it will play and what changes it will bring in our lives are important moments: the “imaginary child” contains aspects of desires, fears, fantasies, fears, expectations and precedes and facilitates the meeting with the real child. The child already seen, thought, imagined with the eyes of fantasy, pre-established, helps the mother to immerse herself in the role and “pre-know” the child, welcoming him within herself. In this article we talk in depth about.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
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- Zanon, A. (2017). Voglio stare con te, non voglio stare con te: l’ambivalenza nelle relazioni. Retrieved from: http://www.ilmiopsicologo.it/2017/08/12/voglio-stare-con-te-non-voglio-stare-con-te-lambivalenza-nelle-relazioni/