Happiness seems to have ceased to be a state associated with the great existential themes such as the meaning of life, loyalty and honesty with oneself or what is really important for each of us in this life to become a consumer product. . We are sold a series of universal recipes, totally removed from these previous questions, sometimes apparently based on scientific research.
Have experiences: Happiness is confused with joy. In short, happiness is a state of inner peace, while joy is a moment of high. Having enriching or pleasant experiences such as dating or traveling give us joy, not happiness. Therefore, although today we have more experiences than our parents had, we are not happier. We have gained experiences, yes, but at the cost of stability at almost all levels (economic, work, relationship…) which is much more important to be at peace.
Have things: Although in decline since the topic of experiences appeared and the topic of possessing certain qualities was more encouraged, there is still a certain idea that happiness is linked to having certain things. A car, a printed outfit, some Manolos… The marketing industry constantly links happiness with having certain things, often associating it with other psychological variables that people desire, such as security or being liked by others.
Perform certain types of habits: Probably the part that has sold the most is a psychology that suffers greatly from reductionism and that remains in the obvious because it is observable. I’m not saying that all psychology is like this, but there is a strong current that sometimes makes this mistake. Thus it is postulated that mindfulness, playing sports or a balanced diet will make us happy. They can be healthy practices (and I have nothing against them, in fact, I recommend them) that help us increase our well-being, but from there to bringing happiness, there is a way.
Have certain qualities: Being handsome and having a spectacular physique, being charismatic, witty and funny, excelling greatly in some skill (sports, work, leadership, music…) This comes from promoting a self-esteem based on achievement (how much you know how to do = how much you are worth). ) and that plays with the fear that people have of not being enough, of not being worthy of being loved and of feeling rejection.
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As a summary, if we analyze these four supposed “keys to happiness” we find a series of common threads: they are things that make you “cooler” and that consider happiness as something pleasant and momentary, when, as I said before, that is a joy and a good time, not happiness, since I may be devastated because I have left him with my partner and hooked up with a spectacular girl on Tinder. That will not make me happy or take away my sadness, although no one is bitter about a sweet. The other common factor is an aseptic and painless happiness, in which you just have to achieve things without having to face the fears that we all have.
So what to do to be happy? Well, it will sound ironic if I said that there are no habits that give it, but this is more of a principle, or a personal commitment: be honest with yourself.
Understanding honesty as being congruent with what we feel, looking at our emotional reality, giving space and acting accordingly to our internal truth and expressing it in the way we consider appropriate, whether pleasant or unpleasant. Common concrete examples of this that I usually see in consultation would be: being able to be sad and cry if we feel that way without fear, getting angry with someone and protecting ourselves even if we also love them, they are “very ugly” or that leads us to conflict, walking away or giving ourselves permission. to break with something that hurts us even if others suffer or it is “the right thing to do”, not to take responsibility for other people if we don’t really want to do it, to dare to do and experience what really makes us happy…
Basically, honesty is being consistent with what we feel and with what makes us vibrate inside, which we usually know in our guts and intuitively (it sounds strange but it is the emotional part of your brain, which with that feeling of certainty guides you the way) and then look for a way to make it consistent with your values and your other feelings. And the thing is, for example, I may feel that I have to defend myself against my mother’s demands, but I don’t want to stop having a relationship with her, so I will have to be firm in setting limits for her. Sometimes at the cost of quarrels or rudeness.
This honesty and congruence is not something conceptual, but rather it is something that is carried out daily: Freely choosing what we want to do and what makes us happy, even if it is often “reprobable” because of what society says or what other people think. , and that can make them reject us or attack us. Facing things we want to do but are afraid of, like talking to that person you like or trying to start that project that is so likely to fail. Feeling free to be able to end something that hurts us, such as a relationship in which you feel trapped and do not break up so as not to hurt other people you love (although they may not make you happy).
As the great psychotherapist Fritz Perls said, “the human being renounces his potential and his natural capacity to be happy due to the phobia of pain.” The fear of the pain of all these situations because they reject us, because we feel incompetent when doing them, because we feel guilty or because we fail are what make us not be consistent and honest with ourselves, FREE, in short and with a capital letter. In this way we throw our lives away in an internal war between the part of us that wants to be and the part that doesn’t dare. And you can’t be happy if you are always at war with yourself.
You will hardly be able to be happy no matter how spectacular your appearance is or how much you meditate if you feel that you live chained to something that you don’t really want or that you are always repressing a part of yourself. I know that it is scary and difficult, that it is an expensive commitment, but what is at stake is your happiness, and perhaps your greatest responsibility in life is to be happy.
You deserve to live fully and at peace with yourself, it is scary and has a high cost, but it is worth it.