The family is the basic primary group par excellence, it contains the most intimate and close degree of relationship or personal interaction between its members (parents and children) and it is where values, beliefs and customs are born and transmitted. of a certain social and family structure.
The family is called the identity matrix since it is where the youngest children become aware of who they are, their self-esteem, their gender, patterns of behavior and relationships with others are forged. Everything we incorporate from the family remains a very deep imprint, consciously or unconsciously, for life. The fundamental function of the family is to provide a sense of security and continence, functioning as both a physical and emotional refuge from all the changes, ups and downs and uncertainties of life.
However, what happens in the family when a marriage breaks up? Possibly the family structure has already been suffering a situation of crisis and conflict prior to making the decision to separate, having generated tension between some or all of its members and causing different painful feelings to arise in this regard.
The separation of a couple is a situation of crisis and tension that affects the entire family. It is the time to make important decisions about what to do, how, how to approach the situation with the sons and daughters, how to tell it, etc. It is a time of changes at a personal, family and social level that will significantly affect the lives of all its members, potentially generating stress and emotional discomfort.
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Each separation process can be different and we must take into account how it occurred, as well as the level of relationship between its members before, during and after. In these family crisis situations, it is also essential to take into account what the moment of separation (before, during or after the breakup) that the family is experiencing. These differentiations will allow us to adapt our intervention to the various personal, family and social characteristics that are occurring.
Most couples who separate live a real grieving process which also includes children and in some cases other family members who also participate. The same separation has different meanings for each member of the couple.
- It can be felt as the loss of hope, expectations and an ideal that could not be achieved.
- You can live like a failure and generate feelings of guilt
- In some cases it can be experienced as a liberation, but this does not prevent the need to develop the process of mourning, changes and fundamentally suffering for the children.
- Experiences of low self-esteem, questioning, and reviewing or evaluating one’s past life are common.
The entire family system needs to adapt and this will imply a readjustment in family roles, as well as in many other aspects (changes in housing, school, at work, the need to work more hours or have another job) and also emotional and behavioral aspects, since new behavior and habits need to be implemented.
Separation and divorce involve the disruption of a balance and entail suffering for the couple. The feelings that arise in both members may be very different, but for both of them it is a very important moment of rupture to which they will have to adapt and where many emotions will intermingle. The rage that mixes with nostalgia and initial grief, later giving way to melancholy, hopelessness and heartbreak. And to all of these others can be added such as hatred, rivalry, jealousy, envy and the need or desire to control the other.
A very important aspect to analyze are the reactions and psychological consequences that the person manifests in a situation of marital breakdown. Their intensity depends on a series of variables, such as the type of separation, the severity or intensity of the conflicts manifested, as well as the personality factors of each person. At a general level the main reactions that we can find are:
- Depression. Losing a person with whom you have shared such an intimate relationship for a long time generates symptoms of sadness, loneliness, the possibility of isolation, loss of rewarding activities, feelings of guilt, hopelessness, disappointment about the future, as well as an increase in anxiety. stressful situations that you have to face.
- Anxiety is one of the most common reactions and they often resort to anti-anxiety medication to deal with the symptoms of anxiety and insomnia they may have.
- Post-traumatic stress disorder. This symptom occurs mainly in situations of gender violence. A conflictive separation such as that which can occur in situations of gender violence is an event
traumatic event capable of generating post-traumatic stress disorder (Labrador, 2005). - Low self-esteem. Problems of loss of self-esteem and the feeling of lack of personal worth are also common, mainly in conflictive separations and especially in situations of gender violence.
- Maladjustment. The person may isolate themselves, feel a general reluctance that prevents them from participating in pleasant and community activities that improve their social support. Family relationships and social relationships are altered, which can be aggravated by economic difficulties and problems finding or maintaining a stable job.
In the intervention, we can find a continuum from less to more in severity and priority in the intervention, depending on the moment, the type of separation or conflict and the various reactions and psychological consequences experienced. Thus, for example, we can find everything from people who need guidance on how to deal with issues prior to their separation, to especially serious situations such as those that a woman victim of gender violence may experience.
The pain of separation or divorce is not only for the couple, as it also causes significant suffering in the sons and daughters. The changes that follow separation or divorce are very stressful for most children, although there are various factors that significantly influence adaptation to the new situation (the level of conflict between parents, the age of the children at time of separation or divorce, the quality of the relationship with the parent with whom they live, the parents’ new partners and relationships, etc.).
Research studies on the effects of separation and divorce on sons and daughters consider age as one of the risk factors that predict the type of disorders caused by marital separation. Specifically, younger children tend to present behavioral disorders (regressive behaviors, repetitive behaviors, learning problems, school and performance difficulties or depression), while older children tend to manifest problems of social competence (disruptive behaviors of violence, aggressiveness, isolation of the peer group or deficits in social skills).
However, it is important to frame all these manifestations taking into account that their development will occur above all in those cases in which the lack of agreements and dialogue between the couple or ex-partner ends up affecting the joint responsibility for the care of the children. sons and daughters. The psychological effects of this situation could be evident in the different manifestations described below.
Before 3 years
Different manifestations may appear: returning to evolutionary behaviors already overcome, such as loss of sphincter control, irritability, difficulty separating from adults, anxiety and need for prolonged physical contact, inhibition in play, fear of being abandoned.
Feelings of insecurity, fears, even though at this age they may not understand why their parents separate and attribute the causes to specific elements of reality, which often have to do with behaviors carried out by them (e.g. They separate because he or she did something bad, behaved badly, or because they don’t love him or her), and may end up attributing responsibility for the separation to themselves.
There may be behavioral disorders, agitation, hyperactivity, tantrums, moments of aggression, and also sleep disorders with night terrors.
Between 3 and 7 years
There is an increase in the degree of sadness, crying or sobbing, introversion, compensatory behaviors, fears linked to fantasies of loss, being abandoned or left unprotected. They worry about the feelings of rejection that the father or mother may have when leaving, and there may also be fear of never seeing them again.
Feelings of nostalgia due to the lack of a father or mother.
They may idealize the absent parent and fantasize about the couple’s new reunion.
Fantasies may arise that they will be replaced by other sons or daughters, even more so in the event that there is a third party.
There may be a decline in academic performance and fear of being expelled from school.
Between 8 and 10 years old
Feelings of guilt for the breakup of the family increase, a decrease in self-esteem and clearer feelings of depression, together with a feeling of abandonment or loss of love, their conflicts can be expressed by becoming strays, running away from home or becoming too responsible, taking care of the adult they are in charge of, taking care of them, trying to take the place of the absent person in some circumstances.
Criminal or antisocial behavior may also arise.
Intense anger against one of his parents, deterioration of the relationship with his peers.
Adolescence
Depressive feelings arise, there may be runaways or school absenteeism, sexual activity, alcohol and drug abuse, sometimes even leading to attempts at self-elimination.
According to various studies by Emery (1982), what causes the most difficulties among sons and daughters in childhood and adolescence on a psychological level is not divorce, but rather continued parental conflict. Intraparental violence has been shown to cause externalizing and internalizing pathological behaviors, as has been found in repeated studies.
It is common that after separation and divorce, parents have other forms of behavior and relationships towards their children, which implies, on many occasions, a change in relational roles.
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References:
- Guide to psychological intervention and mediation…