The fear that adults experience in this situation makes us sometimes choose to hide and/or remain silent. We rely on the possible impact or difficulty that we believe children have in processing the death of a loved one. That is why we end up giving erroneous explanations that will only lead the child to greater confusion, which, together with the pain of the experience, can generate complications and perhaps pathological grief that requires intervention.
It is common to try to protect children. We believe that by protecting them from death we save them suffering, but the opposite is true: we separate them from a fundamental event! in their lives and it is impossible to avoid all the pain. In fact, if children grow up without exposure to suffering, they will be more prone to frustration and will not develop the skills necessary to cope with events that they will surely have to face when they reach adulthood.
Children and adolescents suffer the death of their loved ones, they feel and question many things: their questions, fears, behaviors, concerns and pain must be attended to, listened to and cared for. Often the adult is not prepared or does not have sufficient knowledge to offer this quality care, hence the importance of addressing this issue. We cannot hide our heads and act as if nothing had happened, or let “time put things in their place.”
In the moments when we try to talk to and care for children and adolescents after the death of a person in their environment, many doubts arise about how to address multiple issues that arise or are going to arise:
“How do I tell him? Do you understand what death is? Is it better that I know or not know? Are the children grieving? Does a teenager experience it the same as a ten-year-old or a five-year-old? They must see us cry” What can be done in the classroom? Should I tell my disabled child? How can I prepare you? Will I traumatize him?”
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This guide tries to answer some of these questions, in order to offer adults resources and tools that allow them to approach this situation with confidence and determination.
The way in which children experience their first grief will depend on our explanations about death, which usually marks the other experiences of loss that they will suffer and, especially, the experiences of death that they encounter. On this last aspect, we will agree that many losses occur throughout life: some more central and vital than others, but all are significant in one way or another.
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