Although Hollywood has made us believe otherwise, we are not all Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Not all of us have stunning, super model bodies with angelic faces, and yet, that doesn’t stop us from having a good time and even finding love. You may find yourself in the situation of having someone you really like, but who you are not physically attracted to. Or being with someone who you were physically attracted to before and now you aren’t. In that case, it is normal for you to think: If I’m not physically attracted to my partner, what do I do? Well, continue reading this Psychology-Online article.
What to do when you like a person, but not their physique
Interpersonal attraction depends on many more factors than the mere perception of physical attractiveness, which can be occasional and fleeting. That is, liking a person does not only depend on whether you find them physically attractive. What’s more, physical attractiveness is not even a requirement to like him.
It is true that, socially, being with someone who meets beauty standards is much more accepted than with someone who does not. So it is normal that sometimes we have doubts about whether we should go out with that person, or we feel embarrassed when they see us with them. But The reality is that all of these are prejudices that culture imposes on us. There is nothing objective in this, and the proof is that what is considered beautiful changes with the times. So, are you going to give up meeting a person you like, just because you’re not attracted to their physique?
So, the first thing to do is accept that you like it and get rid of the prejudices that give so much importance to the physique. This step is important to give rise to the next: once we have accepted it, and put aside those prejudices, we can begin to develop a healthy bond, a relationship with that person. And as you discover each other more and more, you will know what type of relationship you want and you will define it. You may end up being just friends, or not. Besides, the perception of attractiveness can change over time, since the more you know a person and the more you like them, the more beautiful they seem to you.
I’m not physically attracted to him, but I like his way of being.
As we have already mentioned before, there are many factors that influence interpersonal attraction. What does attraction depend on?
- Proximity. Physical proximity not only makes it easier for you to get to know and stay with that person more, but it also influences whether you may come to like them.
- Keen. They are the type of feelings that that person provokes in you: if he makes you feel good, you will tend to like him.
- Personality. There are certain ones that tend to be valued more, and that greatly influence the attraction you may feel for her.
- Likeness. We like people more who are more like us.
- Reciprocity. If, in addition to looking like the other person, they give us feedback, the chances that we will like them increase.
- Physical attractiveness. People we find physically pleasant tend to like us more.
Seeing how so many variables influence attraction to another person, it is easier to understand how the lack of physical attractiveness can be made up for by all or a set of the others. Physical attractiveness is only a plus, something that you can perceive in many people without knowing them, something that will simply make it easier for you to be more interested in getting to know them at first. But it does not guarantee that the other dimensions fit. For affection, personality, similarity, and reciprocity, you need to know the person better, and that’s where you really know if you like them.
For all this, it is perfectly understandable that you like someone because of their way of being, even if you are not physically attracted to them.
I love my partner very much, but I’m not sexually attracted to him, could it be?
As we have explained before, you can like a person even if their physique does not attract you. The beauty of this type of relationship is that it is not based on appearance, but you like it for something deeper. You have met her, you have hit it off, you get along well… Is it any wonder that feelings of love for her can emerge? Feelings of love so honest, that it even shocks you that you can feel them without being sexually attracted to her. But there is nothing abnormal about it. There are many ways to love and not all of them imply sexual attraction for the partner. In fact, there are, and that does not prevent them from wanting or having a partner, because there are more types of attraction:
- sexual attraction: the one that causes the desire for an intimate approach and/or sexual contact with the other person.
- romantic attraction: the feeling of wanting to be in a romantic relationship with the other person, even reaching .
- sentimental attraction: feeling experienced towards a person who provokes intense feelings in you, without falling in love.
- aesthetic attraction: attraction that is felt by the physical appearance of something or someone, without implying sexual or romantic attraction, that is, that something or someone seems pretty to you.
- Sensory attraction: desire to have non-sexual contact with that person, like wanting to give a hug to someone you find “super cuddly.”
- intellectual attraction: attraction to a person’s intellect, knowledge or abilities, which can occur out of admiration or respect.
I want to be with my partner, but I’m not sexually attracted to him, what do I do?
It is possible to feel romantic attraction without feeling sexual attraction, now what do we do?
- Sex is not everything. Although we have always been told otherwise, sex is not essential for a relationship to work. The relationship can go wonderfully if neither party feels the desire or need to maintain relations with the other person.
- Sexual attraction is not necessary to have sex. Even if the other person does not awaken the desire in you, you can continue to feel the biological desire, and have sex with them. Asexual people, for example, do not feel sexual attraction to people, and yet this does not prevent them from enjoying sex. Furthermore, the visual route is not the only one through which one can position oneself; hearing and touch can be equally or more effective than sight.
- change the rules. This is the option that may cost most for most, because it requires overcoming social barriers and being truly honest with oneself and the other person. The truth is that there is no perfect couple. There is no couple that fits so well and can 100% meet all our emotional and relational needs. For example, our partner is not going to share absolutely all of our tastes and hobbies with the same intensity, and that is partly why we have friends. Well, you can love your partner very much, who provides you with all the closeness and emotional bond you need, and still accept that in the sexual sphere it is not enough. A possible solution there would be to change the terms of the relationship, and agree to have sexual relations with other people, since neither is love inherent in sex, nor is sex inherent in love.
You may find yourself in the situation of having been with someone for a long time, you still love them very much, but they have stopped attracting you sexually. That’s what time has, it ages us people, and we change. And that elite bodies do not last forever. How do we fit this into our sex life? Apart from the three points above, there are things to consider regarding the reason why we no longer like it:
- Because “it has been left”: he has gained a few extra pounds, he doesn’t take as much care of his hygiene, etc. They are “little things” that have to be fixed, and if they also influence your health, it doesn’t hurt to urge you to get well again.
- Because you’re bored. Monotony and routine kill passion. But sexual attraction can come back by breaking up with them, changing your look, your hairstyle, your clothes, making yourself sexy… here you will see some ideas for .
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Landa, SU, Rovira, DP, & Zubieta, EM (2005). Chapter 15. Intimate relationships: attraction, love and culture. in Social psychology, culture and education.