The most appropriate attachment style is . According to John Bowlby, this model is the one that has the best prognosis for emotional stability. It is characterized by the trust and emotional receptivity of the child with the person who cares for him.
For their part, they are related to anxiety and fear, and can lead to dysfunctional behaviors. For example, psychological and personality disorders, emotional imbalance, greater likelihood of developing addictive behaviors (drugs, gambling…), etc.
It is estimated that around 60% of the population conforms to what is considered a type of secure attachment, while the remaining 40% responds to insecure attachment patterns.
Is it possible to turn insecure attachments into secure ones?
Fathers and mothers can vary your children’s attachment style and modify those classified as unsafe towards more adaptive and efficient models. There are some guidelines that can help us foster secure attachment in our children, or to redirect tendencies that are diverting us from a type of healthy relationship with them.
With them, the associated unwanted behaviors will be corrected little by little, although it can be a very long process depending on the starting point. Let’s see them below.
Guidelines for turning insecure attachments into secure ones
Provide protection and security
Given the child’s immaturity, you must offer him unconditional acceptance, protection, security and affection.
Promote your autonomy
While providing this protection, it must be balanced with their autonomy, encouraging their curiosity to discover the world. You should strive to understand their needs to know when they need protection and when to be more autonomous, to achieve a good balance.
Dedicate quality time
The child wants to get our attention and be cared for. It is essential to convey to him that we are interested in what he does or teaches us and to provide him with feedback about it. To the extent possible, you must be available. Play together.
Explain what you don’t understand
Children are very curious and we must be able to offer answers adapted to their age and situation.
Set limits sensitively
Setting limits is essential for their development and self-esteem to evolve properly. But whenever we say “no” it is necessary to do so with a coherent and sensible explanation.
Emotional attunement
The effort in this case must be directed at capturing and identifying the emotion they are experiencing or their needs, with empathy, leaving aside our desires and expectations that we project onto them.
Give answers
After emotional attunement and empathic exercise, it is time to offer the response that best suits your need.
Respect for your emotional expression
Respect emotions and allow their expression. However, it must be clear that emotions are legitimate, but there are associated behaviors that cannot be accepted.
Show predictable and consistent behavior
Inconsistency when relating to a minor (for example, someone who is sometimes cold and distant and other times communicative and empathetic) is disconcerting for the child and generates insecure attachments. If the child is able to anticipate our reaction and finds it predictable and coherent, it will help him and give him confidence.
Don’t be afraid to appear vulnerable
Our son can see us affected, we should not try to hide that we are wrong. Vulnerability, humility… are characteristics that make us human and help us educate.
Empowerment
Empower your child by trusting and believing in their ability in different areas. Pass it on. The factor that best predicts future quality of life is self-esteem, so you should encourage it.
Unconditional acceptance
Summarizes all of the above a little. Our love is not subject to any conditions or expectations.
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