From underestimation to self-esteem. A path to self-esteem. 1
A significant part of emotional suffering is due to the feeling of “not being enough”, which sometimes escalates into deep self-hatred. This shows that the absence of self-acceptance is one of the most widespread expressions of suffering in today’s society.
Long periods of our lives are lived in a chronic sense of being inadequate. We are rarely aware of it, we self-evaluate continuously. We do it so often that we perceive a gap between the person we should be and our actual moment-to-moment experience. This gap makes us feel as if we are deficient. We can live so disconnected from ourselves that, in the end, we feel pain for not expressing our vitality, creativity and love.
Much of the time we are unaware of how pervasive this feeling of “something is wrong with me” is. As an undetected toxin, it can affect all aspects of our lives. For example, in relationships, we may wear ourselves out trying to get others to perceive us in a certain way: Smart, handsome, spiritual, powerful, depending on our ideal. We want them to approve of us, to love us. However, it is very difficult to establish intimacy when at a deep level we feel defective or deficient.
It’s hard to be spontaneous, creative, or take risks, or even relax if you’re holding thoughts of not being enough. That feeling of vulnerability or threat is intrinsically human, biologically it is a survival mechanism. The problem is that our insecurity makes it personal and then we go from “something is wrong” to “I’m the one that’s wrong.”
During childhood, most of us received messages that reinforced this feeling of deficiency. We were told how we should behave and what kind of looks, personality, and accomplishments would lead to success, approval, and love from our parents. Rarely does anyone grow up feeling truly lovable and valuable just the way they are.
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Underestimation
Many times underestimation originates from the guilt that we carry from childhood for not having been as mom and dad would have liked us to be. A child has a tendency to hide those parts of him that are not accepted or are criticized by the parents. One negative look or comment is enough to send the child to pieces. Pieces that he can manifest and pieces that he must hide.
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