The peculiarities that define an elderly mother are determined by multiple conditions in her life that lead her to develop specific attitudes and strategies in her daily life. The appropriateness or unhealthyness of such behaviors will depend on the level of personal development in her life over the years. A manipulative elderly mother reaches this situation due to different personal imbalances that condition her to emit this type of behavior on her children.
In the next Psychology-Online article we are going to talk about how to deal with a manipulative elderly motherwe will explain why these types of mothers act from the role of victims and how we can relate to them without falling into their attitude of control over us.
Why does my mother play the victim?
The reasons why a manipulative elderly mother plays the victim is due to a set of several factors:
- Firstly, it should be noted how our current social system makes motherhood invisible and barely recognizes the arduous task of raising children. Added to this, the woman is simultaneously responsible for organizing household chores, other family matters and her own career path.
- Secondly, and equally encouraged by our social system, parenting often does not occur in the necessary conditions of affection, tranquility and security that children need to grow and develop as healthy and balanced adults. This is how many people reach adulthood with emotional or psychological deficiencies that prevent us from correct and, with it, efficient personal and pro-social behavior.
- In third place, old age is neglected in many situations, precisely again because of our system and social structure, in which material, productivity and consumption are prioritized over conciliarity and mutual care, often leaving the fate of our elderly abandoned to their fate. .
- In fourth place, many mothers are overprotective and they are not able to let go of their children, giving them the independence that they need according to their evolutionary stage. In this way, despite the passing of the years, they continue to tie their children to their side as an unconscious attempt to not want or know how to let go of their mothering function on them. In this article we talk about.
For these four reasons, an elderly mother acts manipulatively and plays the victim. On the one hand, her motherhood has made her give all of her potential to the care of her children, receiving in exchange the minimum emotional and social support that has allowed her to feel internally comforted. Added to this, surely this elderly mother has difficulties recognizing her emotional limits and requesting help when she needs it, which generates in her a continuous overload that is unable to recognize consciously and which, later, he blames on raising his children with resentment.
These two factors, together with the refusal of some mothers to “let their children fly”, together with the feeling of loneliness that elderly people often experience, make these people place themselves in the role of victims and, through this, they manipulate their children with the ultimate intention of not feeling alone, of filling what they are not able to cover due to their inability to personal self-management and of not losing their “kids.”
All of this affects his attitude towards you and your relationship and you may think that you can’t stand your mother, that your mother doesn’t love you or that your mother is toxic or harmful. They are more common thoughts than they seem. Therefore, in the following sections we are going to see what to do with a victimizing and controlling mother and how to treat a manipulative elderly mother.
How to deal with a manipulative mother
In all cases, as a prior step to trying to modify the corrupted behaviors of this type of controlling mothers, it is about change internally ourselves as children those aspects that are maintaining and perpetuating these situations of control over us. We cannot force another person to change, however, when we change our behaviors and our attitudes at the time of interacting with this person, when we position ourselves in a different place, it is most likely that changes will also occur in the dynamics of the relationship. relationship.
Specifically, we must consider the following aspects when treating a manipulative mother and trying to improve the relationship:
- Do not fall into the trap of resentment and fighting aggressive to combat the injustice received. In reality, this behavior only fuels the anger of all participants, generates mutual distrust and increases accumulated resentment.
- Do not enter the dynamic and do not give in. When faced with manipulative and victimizing mothers, it is important to remain calm, if possible, during the critical moment and be firm in our refusal to undertake overt manipulation by proposing alternatives.
- If it is not possible to remain calm during manipulation, try to leave the situation so as not to react in a way that benefits no one. Going away will allow us to calm down, clarify ideas and return calmer to propose alternative solutions.
- Try to be accompanied at critical moments in which we anticipate that manipulation situations may occur. If we are accompanied by people who know our personal situation, they can reinforce us in moments when we are exposed to situations that we cannot control.
- In extreme cases, we can limit our relationship to precise moments and avoid contact to avoid falling into the traps of manipulation.
- During this time of non-relationship it is essential work internally to strengthen ourselves emotionally and change the passive behavior patterns that predispose us to the response of blind obedience and fear. This personal work will allow us to face our future meetings in a more mature way.
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What to do when your mother blackmails you
When an elderly mother blackmails her children, the most important thing is not to try to modify the mother’s behavior, but to modify our behavior as children so that, as a consequence, the behavior of the victimizing mother can gradually change. manipulative and controlling.
- Don’t give in to blackmail. If there is an elderly mother who uses blackmail, it is because there are children who have tolerated this blackmail throughout their lives. In this way, cutting off this relationship dynamic is essential not so much, as we have said, by trying to rationalize the injustices committed in her maternal role but by not responding as children in favor of said blackmail.
- Be firm. Simple behaviors that cut these interactions with brief explanations about our behavior are enough. Entering into logical arguments opens a war between two opposing positions that they will try to win at all costs. This can generate unnecessary violence and discomfort that can be avoided by being firm and concrete in our refusals to blackmail.
- Take distance. Withdrawal after such behavior will avoid unnecessary confrontations and leave the mother in a temporary situation of loneliness that will prevent her from unjustly taking out her frustration on her children. Once the nerves have calmed down and after the possible reflection that occurs after this situation, a calm conversation can be started that attempts to minimally understand the situation experienced by both parties.
- Accept and yield. Another possible response to appease a mother’s attempts at manipulation and blackmail is to simply accept what she proposes. This, in cases in which there have been repeated fights and confrontations over the years, completely disorients the mother who, suddenly, wakes up from the spell under which she often acts and, empathetically, understands the unfairness of his behavior and withdraws it immediately.
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This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Gutman, L. (2008). Breeding. Invisible violence and addictions. RBA Books