Many times, we meet a person and immediately feel that he has all the qualities, glorious virtues, that can make our life absolutely happy. And although that person may have characteristics that we like and that we can reconcile over time, we must never lose sight of the fact that the foundations of the couple are built and nourished on a daily basis and not just once and forever. Commonly, we believe we have found “our better half” and if we talk about halves, in truth it is better to be complete and be a “whole orange” capable of accompanying another, also complete, on a path to travel together.
In this PsicologíaOnline article, we talk about the concept of idealized falling in love and show effective techniques to stop idealizing someone.
Concept of idealized falling in love
This sensation that sometimes occurs responds to what we call “idealization” and it is a psychic process by virtue of which the qualities and value of the object are brought to perfection. This author speaks of idealization in falling in love and says: “… the object is treated as the subject’s own self and that in falling in love a considerable part of narcissistic libido passes to the object. In some forms of love choice it even reaches to become evident that the object serves to substitute one’s own and unattained ideal of the ego.” (Freud, 1921).
The stories of princes and princesses show us a life without surprises where everything is wonderful and perfect, but the reality is that many times the vicissitudes of life make us stumble in what we believed to be a perfect support and the disappointment is very great, when, things end. There is no magic recipe for a life without emotional upheavals, only permanent dialogue, a “tacit contract” even when there are situations that bother us, will allow us in this back and forth, to listen to what the other needs from us and to be able to transmit what they need. afflicts us.
This “contract” is an unspoken dialogue in which our desires, shortcomings, needs, demands are exposed and cover all imaginable aspects of life as a couple. Commonly, it happens that neither realizes that their efforts to please the loved one are based on the certainty that the other is, feels and thinks things like themselves.
Why we idealize people
If we go back to the childhood where identity, self-concept, models of love, ways of being a man and woman are achieved, as well as the dictates in the family, parents are the representatives of the social at that time of our early life. With them, we face unconditional love, also conditional affection, and drown our most cherished childhood desires for exclusivity, belonging, being just for them and nothing else.
When those Childhood conflicts and desires are not resolved in an adequate way, we go through life looking for partners who solve the most intimate shortcomings deposited in our soul. We then want to be unique in the life of the couple, to have our needs guessed at like when we were children, that just by crying, the mother responds to the demand. We also hope that all situations are resolved, looking for a powerful supplier and when this is not achieved, we feel very helpless.
What to do to stop idealizing someone
Due to the above, many times, we expect reactions and attitudes from others, seen from our perspective, as “necessary” in a particular way. However, where the difference that characterizes us from that “other” lies, is where we must understand that each one does what is within their reach and how they can. That is why accept the different other It is the key to being able to dialogue in a different way, discovering that that person who has many things that we like and attract, also has a series of traits that can sometimes cause us to short-circuit our relationship, because we ourselves also have a baggage of virtues and defects.
If we fail to maintain this listening and dialogue, maintaining only this idealized state, means that when that person falls from the pedestal they occupied, the pain and frustration that the person who considered them perfect may feel can be very great and may have a strong feeling that this person has failed us. Simple, and not so simple, is the daily work of building these solid foundations in the couple, through dialogue, being able to express ourselves freely, and above all let the other be and be ourselves.
For those reasons that the other chose us and we did it in the same way, renunciation should not be in our ideals in order to support a couple. Only, maintaining our spaces and sharing the joys and sorrows with each other, will we be freer to choose ourselves every day.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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