The past always exerts a powerful influence on our lives. By giving a past relationship a second chance, a number of situations can occur such as the spark can be lit again and you can experience renewed passion and connection. However, the opposite can also happen, since time and experiences may have changed one of the members, or even both.
In this Psychology-Online article, we will talk about a frequent and emotionally charged situation: “I’m back with my ex, but it’s not the same. What I do?“
I’m back with my ex, but I have doubts, is it normal?
Yes, it is completely normal to have doubts when getting back with an ex. Romantic relationships are complex and full of emotion and making the decision to rekindle a past relationship is no exception. There can be a variety of reasons why doubts may arise in this situation. First, memories, emotions, and experiences can be both comforting and complicated, and at times, It is difficult to separate feelings from the past from reality of the present.
Relationships can change over time due to personal circumstances and life experiences. Doubts can arise when you realize that both you and your ex have evolved and accept that you may no longer be the same person you were in the previous relationship.
On the other hand, it is also natural to have fear of making the same mistakes that led to the initial breakup. Anxiety about whether the relationship will face the same problems can lead to doubts and fears about the future, in addition to expectations, another common source of doubt. In this sense, you may have different expectations about what the relationship will be like this time. This discrepancy can lead you to wonder if you are on the same page and if resuming the relationship has been the best decision for both of you.
Why am I back with my ex but it’s not the same
Meeting an ex again can generate a wide variety of emotions and expectations, but, on many occasions, reality does not coincide with what we remembered or wanted. Therefore, it is essential to understand the most common causes of why when you get back with an ex, the relationship may feel different:
- Individual changes: Over time, both you and your ex will have experienced personal changes because each of you has continued with your life separately, thus acquiring new experiences. These changes can be both positive and negative, to the point of affecting the dynamics of the relationship. However, new perspectives, values, and life goals can also lead to unexpected and rewarding challenges.
- Expectations: Expectations are a crucial component in any relationship. When getting back together with an ex, expectations may have changed or not been adequately discussed. If you are both not on the same page about what you expect from the relationship, there is a chance for conflicts to arise.
- Past wounds: If the previous relationship ended as a result of emotional wounds or unresolved issues, these may arise again. Without addressing these issues adequately, it is difficult to move forward constructively so that the same situations that led to the breakup are not repeated. Here we explain.
- Insufficient communication: Lack of effective communication is another recurring problem when someone returns to their ex-partner, as it can lead to misunderstandings, aggravate differences and create a gap in emotional connection.
- Routine and monotony: Routine and monotony can make the relationship seem less exciting or passionate than before. Although this is normal, it requires mutual effort to overcome and revitalize the relationship.
- Comparisons: Constantly comparing the current relationship with the previous one can lead to dissatisfaction and frustration. Every relationship is unique, so it’s important to accept that it won’t be identical to the first. In fact, that is the idea so that the relationship can work.
- External pressure: The opinions and expectations of friends and family can put pressure on the relationship. This can generate additional stress and negatively affect the couple’s dynamic.
What to do if I’m back with my ex but it’s not the same
If you decide to give a relationship with your ex-partner a second chance and realize that things are not the way they used to be, it is important to approach the situation calmly and with understanding. Here we leave you some useful tips to navigate this situation.
- Maintain open communication: The foundation of any strong relationship is communication. Therefore, talk openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings, doubts and expectations and listen to their perspectives. Communication can help identify problems and find solutions together.
- Reflect on change: Accept that people and relationships change over time. Reflect on how you have changed since the breakup and how these changes may be affecting your current relationship. Learning to accept and adapt to these changes is essential to maintaining a positive and healthy relationship with your partner.
- Set new goals: Instead of holding on to the old relationship, consider setting new goals and expectations for the relationship. For example, ask yourself what you and your partner want to achieve this time and how you can work to achieve those goals.
- Go to couples therapy: if differences, doubts or problems persist, consider seeking the help of a couples therapist. Therapy can provide tools and strategies to address difficulties and improve communication.
- Remember the positive aspects: Although it is important to recognize current problems, do not forget the happy and positive moments that you shared in the past. These memories can serve as powerful reminders of what you can accomplish together.
- Be patient and understanding: Reconciliation takes time and effort, so be patient with your partner as you work together to overcome difficulties. Mutual understanding and empathy are key to overcoming these moments of doubt.
- Consider closing the chapter: sometimes, despite efforts and love, the relationship cannot be recovered. If you realize that you still feel love for the person, but you think it is not enough for you to get back together, consider moving forward and learning from the experience for future relationships.
If you want more information about it you can also read our article
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Acevedo, VE (2007). Long-term satisfied couples in the city of Cali. Redalyc.org. http://www.redalyc.org/articulo.oa?id=80130808
- Alayon. (2016). A theoretical review based on the research lines of Itziar Etxebarria. University of La Laguna. http://riull.ull.es/xmlui/handle/915/3225
- Fonseca, BB, and Cornelio, OM (2022). Recommendation systems for decision making. State of the art. Unesum – Sciences. Multidisciplinary Scientific Journal, 6(1), 149-164. https://doi.org/10.47230/unesum-ciencias.v6.n1.2022.289