We can define resentment as an unpleasant feeling, initiated by a dispute or disagreement with someone. When a person has hurt us, we can come to think that they deserve revenge or, if not, we feel hatred and resentment towards them. This is a protective mechanism to avoid feeling the pain that said injury has caused us. If we convert that unpleasant feeling and project it onto another person, we avoid feeling bad, but we channel displeasure and turn it into resentment.
This strategy is not considered the most effective for healing a wound. This is because it prevents us from living free by continuing to maintain that bond of revenge and resentment. If you want to know how to stop being so spitefulin Psychology-Online, we offer you this article with the best keys to leading a calmer life.
What is resentment according to psychology?
It is likely that, at times, we will not be able to correctly identify this feeling. It is important know how to define resentment to be able to find it and eliminate it.
According to psychology, we can describe resentment as a set of unpleasant sensations, thoughts and ideas, persistent over time and directed towards a specific person (or group of people). These ideas may contain plans for revenge, irrational hatred, anxiety about relating to the person for whom you feel resentment, and even intentions of aggression.
The causes of resentment are multiple, but they are usually related to some fact or comment that has made us feel bad and that it comes from another person. We channel all that discomfort into it and we form a great resentment. If we do not communicate it correctly, the person involved may not even be aware that they have done or said something wrong. What for us is something unforgivable, for the other person perhaps it is nonsense and they did not do it with bad intentions.
Is it bad to be spiteful?
While it is true that we have all experienced feelings of resentment, there are people whose traits and attitudes have tendency to resentment. They tend to be insecure individuals, easily hurt and with little ability to manage emotions. A spiteful person can forgive, but he does not forget.
Projecting resentment towards your partner, family or at work is not something pleasant, neither for us nor for those around us. Despite its initial purpose of protecting our self-esteem, resentment is not useful to us at all, it imprisons us and does not allow us to think clearly. Sometimes, we don’t even know why we keep that feeling. It is important to obtain the right tools to know how to stop being so resentful, this way we can live free of unpleasant and unnecessary thoughts.
Can you avoid being spiteful?
Although, as we have mentioned previously, there are personality traits with a tendency to resentment, we can all avoid that emotion. It is enough to identify the feeling, rationalize it and use a series of keys and strategies to, little by little, eliminate resentment.
How to stop being vindictive and spiteful
The first step to know how to stop being so spiteful and avoiding this feeling is identifying it. It is not that simple, since, many times, we believe that the people we feel resentment towards deserve it. So, to identify resentment correctly, we will have to ask ourselves “Why do I feel hatred towards this person?” “what has he done to me?“
Once the feeling is detected, we can channel it away from the other individual. We must remember that the origin of resentment is a poor emotional management strategy. Therefore, working on our emotions by removing resentment is a good tool. If we see it necessary, we can talk to the other individual involved to explain what has hurt or offended us. In this way, we will prevent him from doing it again or, at least, we will have taken responsibility for the matter.
Finally, to eliminate resentment, we can use some keys. It is useful to ask ourselves questions to direct the feeling and question the origin of the resentment. If we are able to see the futility of continuing to be vengeful, we will end up letting resentment leave our thoughts.
An example of questioning negative thoughts is the following:
- What good is it for me to continue hating this person?
- What can I fix in my life with this feeling?
- Does this resentment allow me to move forward?
Keys and strategies to avoid resentment
- Learn to forgive: If we continue to think that the person who harmed us did it on purpose, it is time to learn to forgive. If it turns out that that individual has the urge to harm other people, perhaps it is because he is incapable of dealing with his own personal problems. In that case, we must avoid conflicts with that person and stay away from them.
- Let go: It is important to avoid unnecessary problems in our lives. It is true that conflicts can be a valuable learning experience, but resentment usually involves carrying around an unpleasant feeling. For this reason, a smart decision is to let it go and continue our lives in search of happiness.
- Transform guilt into responsibilities: Guilt is a feeling related to burden, we can’t do anything with it except drag it. Instead, responsibility is worked on. If instead of blaming someone for their actions, we hold them responsible and talk to that person, we will be giving someone an opportunity to improve and, in this way, we will avoid resentment.
- Practice assertive communication: In the event that we decide to talk to the person for whom we feel resentment, we must do so in the best possible way. Although there are many communication styles, the best strategy will be
- Substitute positive thinking: This strategy is based on replacing a negative thought with the positive version of it. For example, we can change the “This person is bad, he has hurt me and he deserves the worst” by “This person maybe didn’t mean to hurt me, anyway, it’s been a long time and I don’t have to care.“.
After a learning process, and with the proper practice of these tips, we will be able to develop our temperament to stop being so spiteful. All people have the opportunity to evolve. Eliminating these types of unpleasant feelings should be the process of everyone who wants to improve the way they relate to others and themselves.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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