Attachment is a bond between two people that defines the way they interact with each other. There are three main types of attachment: secure, anxious and avoidant. Having one or the other depends on the attention received by your caregivers during childhood and on different types of life events, such as a breakup.
Secure attachment would refer to the need to be with a person, but also wanting independence. Anxious attachment is defined by the inability to be alone, the fear of being abandoned, jealousy… Avoidant attachment, for its part, is the evasion of any loving approach for fear of being vulnerable and harmed.
If you identify with anxious attachment, you know that it can deeply damage romantic relationships. Therefore, continue reading this article Psychology-Online so that you can discover how to overcome anxious attachment.
Analyze your behavior
If you have a type of anxious attachment, surely on more than one occasion you have felt very angry with someone for some unimportant thing, but was that really what was affecting you?
Many times, behind our anger or angerand even behind the apparent reason for discussion, there is a need for affection and attention. When you are feeling anxious, stop to analyze what it is you really want to ask for. Maybe all you need is for your partner to text you while he or she is at work or to see that friend more often. So trying to describe what needs you are having is the first step to solving it. Discover .
Communicate
How to overcome anxious attachment? Once your need is identified, communicate it. Be respectful, don’t make it a demand, but a request, or the other person could feel it as an attack. And, above all, do not ask for things through actions. Ignoring him by taking longer to respond, for example, is not a healthy way to get what you need. Furthermore, you will probably achieve the opposite: the other person will move further away. Others don’t have to know what’s going on in your mind, so try to express it and communicate assertively.
Review your past and forgive
It is born, as we mentioned, from factors experienced in childhood, such as parenting. In function of how they met our needs, we will develop one attachment or another. But instead of seeing this as a way to blame them, think about how difficult it can be to see what specific need a child may have when they were already dealing with their own attachment.
In the same way, remember that friend with whom you fought because he/she did not invite you to a plan: did you interpret it correctly or was it all a symptom of your anxious attachment? The same happens with the couple. All those discussions, what were they really about?
Self-esteem
The anxious attachment style has a basic problem that is self-esteem. Yes one person feels insufficient and worthless, you will believe that the people around you will move away. This will lead you to feel constant fear, especially in those moments when someone close to you is a little more absent.
Remind yourself every day how valuable you are, your qualities and how lucky those who have you in their lives are. If someone decides to leave, remember that it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have done something wrong and that it doesn’t change how much you are worth. In this article, we tell you.
Think of a role model
How to heal anxious attachment? You probably know someone who is always kind to others, who knows how to give others their space, and who is happy when they are invited to a plan. Furthermore, when you have a bad day you don’t take it out on anyone and if you make a mistake you don’t constantly remind yourself of it, but rather you understand that you didn’t do it with bad intentions and that doesn’t make you change your way of perceiving others. .
This is partly achieved by interpret situations in a less catastrophic way. If you constantly think that what others do is for a bad purpose, you will have many feelings of anxiety, rage, anger… On the other hand, if you think that perhaps your best friend has been more absent because he had a lot of work, You can give him that space and show your support.
Imagine how much your relationships would change If you did the same with others. This is the behavior of a securely attached person and you should try to achieve that goal.
Choose your partners well
If you have anxious attachment, the worst thing you can do is be with a person with avoidant attachment. You need someone who is close, affectionate and does not run away from problems. Also, who knows how to calm you down when you are most insecure.
Therefore, if you are starting to get to know someone and red flags are raised, don’t go ahead and deepen the relationship. If you are already with someone who is avoidant, understand that their way of being has nothing to do with you or what they feel, but rather with what they have learned throughout their life and their fears.
occupy your time
How to overcome anxious attachment? Look for activities that are just for you, so that there is not so much dependence on others. Try a group sport, go to art school in the afternoons, or read books. The idea is that your mind does not focus constantly and obsessively on the relationship. The objective is May you have time and space for yourself.
Plus, if you start enjoying it, you’ll probably understand your partner more, for example, and you won’t feel so insecure or anxious the next time he or she tells you that he or she wants to go out with his or her friends. Finally, these activities will serve as relaxation, since your anxious attachment is more activated when you are anxious, so it is a way to regulate it. In this article, you will see.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2011). Ways to love. The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find love… and keep it. Barcelona: Uranus.