You have started a relationship and it turns out that your partner is still in contact with his ex. This can cause discomfort and also conflicts with your partner. You may find yourself faced with different scenarios: from your partner’s ex being upset and wanting to harm your partner, hurting you as a result, or the opposite: the relationship between them is so close that it does not seem normal to you. Be that as it may, almost always, when we have a partner, there are ex-partners. Therefore it is very important to know how to handle your partner’s relationship with his ex. In this Psychology-Online article we tell you everything!
My partner is still in contact with his ex, is this normal?
If your partner’s relationship with his or her ex seems to be ongoing, there are some reasons why this contact is considered normal:
- Your partner and his ex have common children. When there are common sons or daughters and the relationship ends, contact with the ex-partner is necessary. Whether they have differences or not, they are still fathers or mothers of infants who should not suffer the negative consequences of separation from their fathers or mothers. Here you can see.
- Have common issues. They may have a half-finished mortgage, a car, a loan, or a pet that makes some contact mandatory.
- They belong to a same group. Whether because they are co-workers, volunteers at the same location, players on the same team, or similar, there are circumstances in which they should see each other or talk.
My partner’s ex-partner manipulates him, what should we do?
You’ve been with your partner for a while now and you couldn’t help but notice how sometimes your ex-partner manipulates you. This situation usually occurs when your partner has children with his ex and uses them to achieve what he wants.
If this is your case, your partner and his ex are not handling their role as separated parents in the best way. So that manipulation attempts do not influence your relationship and do not harm your partner’s children, It is advisable for him or her to reach agreements with his or her ex that establish everything related to the sons or daughters (schedules, permits, education, vacations…). This will help avoid manipulation by either party.
If they cannot reach agreements, it may be necessary to seek some outside help. A family therapista solicitor or other professional expert in the matter, can be in charge of drawing up agreements in which the well-being of the sons or daughters will take priority.
My partner gets along very well with his ex, what do I do?
Does your partner get along very well with his ex and that doesn’t convince you? Your partner’s relationship with her ex may worry you, jealousy or fear of him returning to her may arise. What should you do?
- Talk to your partner. Explain to him how you feel about his relationship with his ex, but always with peace of mind and dialogue. In the following article you will find.
- Don’t become a detective. Being continually attentive to their conversations will only help you see things where there are none and of course cause arguments with your partner. If you have any questions, it is better to ask them before jumping to conclusions.
- Remember why you are together. Think about the good things you have as a couple and don’t forget that we are free people and if your partner is with you it is because he has chosen it.
- Don’t compare yourself. Don’t make comparisons between your ex and you, that doesn’t benefit anyone. Every relationship is different and if your previous relationship didn’t work out it was for a reason.
If your partner and his ex have common children, getting along can be considered normal and desirable in terms of the children’s well-being. In these circumstances you must be understanding and tolerant. The sons or daughters of your previous relationship are part of your partner’s life and probably the most important part. Therefore, it is important that you try to maintain a good relationship with them, but also that you do not exceed your responsibilities because you do not have to assume the role of mother or father. In the following article you can see.
My partner hides from me that he talks to his ex
If you have discovered that your partner is hiding from you that he is still in contact with his ex, it does not always have to mean that there has been an infidelity. It is possible that he hid this information for afraid of your reaction or to avoid jealousy. In any case, the best thing you can do, if this is your case, is to ask your partner the reasons that led him to hide that information from you. As well as letting him know that for you sincerity is a very important pillar of relationships.
How to get my partner’s ex to stop bothering me
When your partner’s ex doesn’t want to leave the scene, it can be difficult to deal with.
The first thing in these cases is to try not to let it influence your relationship since it is possible that its interference will cause arguments between you and your partner.
In the event that your partner also finds this situation a nuisance, you should talk to your ex-partner and let him know that you want him out of your life. Perhaps they have previously spoken about the topic, but their position has not been very clear due to fear, shame or shame. To cope with the discomfort of this circumstance:
- Confide in yourself and in your relationship.
- Remember that now your partner is with you.
- Don’t try to find out things about their previous relationship, that already belongs to the past.
- Don’t take out your anger on your partner.
- Don’t compare yourself to her or him.
- Don’t give him or her power: the more you pay attention to him or her, the more power you will give him or her.
- Be cordial, but don’t try to be her friend because that’s usually not good for the relationship.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Buela-Casal, G. Sierra, JC (2009). Manual of psychological evaluation and treatments. Madrid: New Library.
- Coca, A. (2017). The life of the little one: A child with separated parents. Catalonia: Edicions de Rúbrica Editorial.
- Gottman, J.M., Silver, N. (2012). Seven golden rules for living as a couple. Barcelona: Debolsillo