How to forgive those who offend us? How to forgive a betrayal? We have all suffered injustices and humiliations throughout our lives that have harmed us and normally, the tendency arises to want to make those who have wronged us suffer, “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” as they say. However, we must keep in mind that this law acts as a Boomerang causing great harm to ourselves as well. It’s not fair to yourself get stuck in resentment and revengebecause this will prevent us from moving forward.
Knowing how to forgive has multiple advantages. However, when someone has hurt you a lot, it can be very difficult to forgive them. Therefore, with this Psychology-Online article we want to show you how to learn to forgive where you will find 18 effective tips.
Learn to forgive
In order to learn to forgive, we must first define the meaning of forgiveness, what we mean when we say to someone “I forgive you” and the benefits of forgiveness. Forgiveness is the action of reacting to harm that has been done to us, which implies forgetting the injustice that has happened to us, but above all, it implies a renounce revenge and resentmentwhere the person, despite everything, seeks the best for the other.
Knowing how to forgive consists of an attitude, the decision to let go of anger and resentment and let in the acceptance of the damage of the past and place the view towards the future. The benefits of forgiveness are many, among them, the peace it generates.
How to learn to forgive?
How to learn to forgive from the heart? How to learn to forgive and forget the past? To learn to forgive, there is a set of attitudes that predispose the person to the freedom to forgive. The first tips to learn to forgive are the following:
1. Love
Conceiving love for a person who has hurt us can often be considered something impossible. In order to give rise to the attitude of loving, it is first necessary take a distanceeven if it is internally, with the person who has harmed us and only at that moment will we be able to see it in its entirety. People are to be loved in their entirety, even when they make mistakes. and a person can only live and develop fully when they are accepted as they are. Not forgiving implies that the other person does not feel accepted in their entirety and with this, we destroy their identity that must be exposed in freedom.
2. Understanding
As human beings, we must understand that we are all vulnerable, that we can all be weak. Forgiveness implies the conviction that in every human being, behind any mistake, there is a vulnerable person with the capacity to change. Forgiveness includes believing in the other person’s ability to transform.
3. Generosity
Forgiveness requires generosity, since the person expects nothing in return for your forgiveness.
4. Humility
Learning to forgive involves being humble. Forgiveness does not seek “moral superiority”, it does not seek to humiliate the aggressor or dominate him morally. With this, they must avoid reproachessince these imply the impossibility of forgiving.
If you are wondering, in this article you will find the reasons.
How to forgive someone
Perhaps you are wondering how to forgive a betrayal or how to forgive an infidelity. We have seen that there are attitudes that can bring us closer to forgiving from the heart and now we would like to provide a set of advice on how to forgive a person specifically, for example, how to learn to forgive your partner, how to forgive a friend, how to forgive a mother or how to forgive someone who has hurt you.
1. Recognize the damage
There are many people who, when they have been harmed by someone important to them, hide their pain so as not to feel it, to protect themselves. These people repress their freedom to be themselves, because they do not express the pain they have felt when someone has hurt them for being who they are. We must understand that it is normal that when someone harms us, it hurts us emotionally and only the act of face suffering head oncan lead us to be good with ourselves.
2. Get rid of resentment
Resentment gives rise to the need for revenge, and revenge causes the wounds that have been inflicted on us to remain open. If we enter a vicious circle of resentment and revenge, our wounds will not be able to heal and we will continue to maintain discomfort.
3. Remember the past
Thinking that time will heal our wounds can become our great evil. Just because a person eventually stops crying over an event and stops evoking it in his memory so constantly does not mean that he has forgiven. We cannot perpetuate the damage. Forgiveness does not imply “wiping the slate clean,” but rather requires recognize injustice, stand up to it and to the extent possible, repair the damage caused. Our memory cannot be at peace, if no matter how much time has passed, remembering the event is born in us.
4. See the whole person
Forgiveness is inconceivable if we conceive the person who has harmed us solely by that action. People we are more than our mistakes and all human beings are bigger than our faults. Therefore, to forgive it is necessary to be able to see the other in their entirety as a human being.
5. Believe in each other
As we pointed out in the attitudes to be able to forgive, if we do not trust the other person’s ability to recognize their mistakes and transform, we are preventing us from being able to forgive them by thinking that their actions cannot change.
6. Repentance is not a condition
Although it is advisable for the aggressor to show regret for the acts that have harmed us, To forgive, it is not necessary to declare the other’s guilt.because we must recognize that people on many occasions, even if they do wrong, may have blockages or defense mechanisms that prevent them from recognizing their guilt.
7. Learn to listen
On many occasions, when someone harms us, we close ourselves and do not open our eyes and hearts to what they want to tell us. In order to forgive, we must know both the motives and reasons for our anger, as well as the other’s arguments. It is important to place ourselves in the other person and perhaps from the understanding of the other and empathy, we can forgive them. In this article you will find.
8. Don’t expect anything in return
As we pointed out in the attitudes to forgiveness, good advice is not to expect anything in return for your forgiveness. Sincere forgiveness does not wait for a condition.
One of the great challenges we face as human beings is to forgive ourselves. Forgive yourself can be much more complex than to forgive another person, since you are alone in the face of many emotions. How can we forgive ourselves? First of all, understanding that it is inevitable to make mistakes sometimes, and learning to forgive yourself is essential to learn from these mistakes. There are certain methods to work on forgiveness and forgiving oneself as forgiveness therapy or writing a letter of forgiveness to oneself. One author who has written about forgiving yourself is Louise Hay, writer of several . Tips for forgiving yourself are as follows:
1. Respect yourself as a human being
Sometimes it seems that we tend to forget that we are human and as human beings we make mistakeswe make mistakes and fail and that does not mean we should devalue ourselves.
2. Look for the positive side
Making mistakes is a natural condition of people and absolutely necessary to evolve as human beings. Allow yourself to make mistakes and conceive the idea that your mistakes will allow you learn from them and so you can improve.
3. Take responsibility
It is essential to forgive oneself to be aware of our responsibility for the facts. We must be aware of the part of responsibility that we have for the event, since if we do not conceive our guilt, we will not be able to forgive ourselves, in the same way that if we think that we have a responsibility that is not, we can unjustly punish ourselves for a fault. that does not concern us.
4. Examine your emotions
We must recognize the emotions, feelings and/or thoughts that have led us to act as we have acted. A bad act can be caused by fear or envy, for example, and if we do not understand the origin of our actions and we understand ourselves, we will not be able to forgive ourselves.
5. Don’t punish yourself
Self-punishment will only lead us to blockage, preventing us from moving forward. Continually beating ourselves up over mistakes prevents us from seeing what we can do to prevent them from happening again. By punishing ourselves we put a brake on our own evolution. The best strategy is.
6. Overcoming
Once we have understood why we made the mistake, what emotions and thoughts led us to it, we have accepted what we committed and we have taken responsibility for it, we must understand that It is not our mistakes that define usbut the way we confront them is.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Burggraf, J. (2003). Learn to forgive. Presentation Family Congress, University of La Sabana-Aspaen-Corpaf, Bogotá.
- Prieto-Ursúa, M., & Echegoyen, I. (2015). Self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, or intrapersonal restoration? Open questions in the psychology of forgiveness. Psychologist Papers, 36(3), 230-237.
- Zalles, C., & Zavarce, P. (2004). Forgiveness: a liberating experience that leads to well-being. The Strengths of the Venezuelan. Venezuela. Alfa Publishing. 1st Edition. pp, 109-23.