They have sold us the idea that true love should last a lifetime. We are the descendants of a romantic ideal that teaches us that we must find our better half: a single person to love and who will love us, as well as satisfy us in all areas of our life for the rest of it. Romantic love has been with us in our culture since long before we were born and since we were babies we have learned about it through fairy tales, Disney princesses and romantic movies. We have it so internalized that, when it is our turn to live that story, we come face to face with reality, since it often clashes with that ideal of love that they had sold us. And then it’s normal for you to wonder how to know if you are with the love of your life. At Psychology-Online we will help you approach the question in a healthier and more realistic way and we will give you the answers you need.
Where does love come from?
Romantic love is an invention from the 12th century. The troubadours, the lyric poets of that time, began to conceptualize love as a whole, carnal and spiritual (that is, sexual and emotional): courtly love. At that time, this love could only happen outside of marriage, since The marriage union had a purely practical purpose and was disconnected from romanticism.
This new love that those wealthy men with free time could enjoy spread to the rest of society as “the ideal of love” through poems, books of chivalry, etc. During the 18th century, a new ideal began to emerge in Europe among the bourgeois class that sought unite romantic love with the pragmatism of marriage. This ideal responded to an economic need and stated that one could satisfy all of her needs, love, desire and reproduce. with one person for the rest of your life.
Now, we are direct heirs of romantic love and that ideal continues to perpetuate itself among us, permeating our desires, expectations and dreams.
The perpetuation of the myth
Additionally, you search on the internet how to know if he is the love of your life and the results you get are , etc.) and that, in addition, they are much easier to find at the beginning of the relationship, when everything is still rosy and, therefore, easier to believe. They paint us again that the relationship must be perfect.
But perfect relationships don’t exist.. Over time, our lives change, our situation changes, and we as people change too. It is not unusual to find that the person with whom we believed was the love of our life, with whom we would always be, is no longer there. Or that the relationship that was perfect at the beginning is no longer like Disney’s.
How to recognize the love of your life
The idea of the love of your life is a derivative of romantic love. We propose a reconceptualization of love in which, instead of focusing on identifying the love of your life (the only, unmatched, perfect, the one that does not exist), you focus on recognize and enjoy true lovewhich may or may not accompany you throughout your life, but which is undoubtedly more tangible and much healthier.
Thus, starting from the idea of recognizing true love, first you wonder how you know if what you feel is love, for which our test can help you find out. And then how do you know if the love is mutual? The test can also guide you.
For Sternberg, true love was one that brought together the three elements:
- The intimacy: knowledge of each other and trust
- The passion: seek physical and/or emotional union with the other
- Commitment: to maintain the bond and overcome adversity
He healthy and true love It is not only the one who brings together these qualities, but also the one who:
- Love without possessing
- Communicates assertively
- Cares about the well-being and happiness of others
- He tries to understand himself
- Supports each other
- It doesn’t make you feel bad
- You are happy for the other person’s achievements
In case you still have any questions, you can also take the test on our page!
Don’t get hung up on whether or not he is the love of your life and enjoy true love. Long live free and healthy love!
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- De Botton, A. (2011). Marriage: a bourgeois invention. Retrieved from https://www.bbc.com/mundo/noticias/2011/07/110725_matrimonio_invento_burgues
- Sternberg, R.J. (1999). The love triangle: intimacy, passion and commitment. Barcelona: Paidós.
- Verdon, J. (2008). Love in the Middle Ages: Flesh, sex and love. Barcelona: Paidós.
- Vidal, L., Estrada, L., Coler, R., Balover, M., Montegamia, M. and Santana, AC (2017). In defense of Aphrodite. Against the culture of monogamy. Barcelona: Paper tiger.