Gradually, romantic love has evolved from forming an economic or social status alliance to becoming the place where both men and women seek meaning, transcendence, fulfillment and ecstasy. However, when time passes and the first disappointments appear, it is common to compare the small crises of the relationship with the myths of romantic love that we have all grown up with. The way the couple faces these crises will define whether it will be a healthy relationship or not.
How can we know when it is mature love and when it is custom? Signs that someone is unhappy in a relationship and that their commitment is declining can come in many forms. In this Psychology-Online article, we will explain how to know if it is love or habit through different signals.
How to know if love is over
On many occasions, love is conceived as “butterflies in the stomach” and when this intensity decreases and disappointments arrive, they begin to question whether they are really still in love or their relationship has become boring. However, it is important to keep in mind that love is not linear and goes through several stagesfrom the initial attraction, the “honeymoon” phase, disenchantment or disappointment until reaching real and mature love.
The mature love phase is characterized by the feeling of tranquility and stability. According to Dr. Carla Marie Manly “being truly in love with someone often feels like having a genuine friendship with the added bonus of continued attraction and sexual intimacy.” Therefore, love It is not a permanent state of enthusiasmbut something that is actively cultivated and nurtured through actions that show the other person that they are important to you.
However, María Esclapez warns us that many people tend to consider this phase as a boring stage of the relationship in which there is no love, but nothing could be further from the truth. There is still love, it’s just lived differently. In fact, it is in this phase where a faithful and true commitment is built and the deepest and most rational decisions are made. The couple sees themselves as and communication, dialogue and negotiation predominate.
There is emotional closeness in the couple
Do you feel emotionally close to your partner? Does your partner feel close to you? How often do you share your feelings with your partner? Does your partner share their feelings with you? These are some key aspects in the relationship, because when one person talks and the other listens carefully, it offers validation and shows that they care.
A study led by Laurenceau points out that the listener’s responsiveness is essential for building a healthy relationship. In this way, when you no longer share your feelings with your partner or you prefer to share them with another person, the relationship will decline. If this becomes a habit it could suggest that you are growing apart.
As the relationship grows, your feelings become deeper and you want to connect deeply with that person. On the contrary, when people begin to separate emotionally and stop exchanging their emotional world, this will be a sign that the health of the relationship is declining and love could be becoming a habit due to not prioritizing the relationship.
Spontaneous negative reactions occur frequently
We have conscious ideas about our partner, both favorable and unfavorable, but we also have implicit ideas about our partner. These unconscious views are ingrained in the couple’s foundations and can be especially revealing about the state of a relationship. You can try to reflect on questions like, for example, what does your partner think of your attitude, how fun it is to be with you? What is your first reaction when your partner makes a mistake? Is there respect or is there a derogatory response?
A study from the University of Rochester points out that negative unconscious impressions of the partner, especially those who have low positive and high negative impressions, may be at greater risk of breaking up. Many couples fear breaking the circle out of habit, however, negative interactions will often weaken the emotional bond and love.
You support each other
Reactions to good news can give insight into the quality of the relationship. For this reason, couples who perceive less constructive reactions to good news (e.g., less enthusiastic, more destructive, or passive) are more likely to break up in the coming months compared to those who celebrate genuinely and vigorously.
When you are not really in love with your partner, it is common to show little interest whenever difficult situations arise. This could create greater distance and make the relationship feel like a burden or routine rather than something valuable to take care of. In turn, you will wait for him to solve his problems and goals on his own, without assuming any of his burdens or doing everything possible to support him.
On the contrary, when you are genuinely in love with your partner you will want to stay by his side In good and bad.
Are you routine companions or lovers?
Another way to know if it’s love or habit is when you start to lose interest after the falling in love or honeymoon stage and you don’t feel the need to try to fix it and/or do more of your part (or your partner’s).
There are many ways to love someone, but saying that you love them “as a person” and that you are not “in love” often indicates that you see them more as a close friend, a routine companion, that you care a lot about than as a lover you are in love with. Yeah you feel more like your roommate That as your partner can be a sign that you are not really in love and what you feel has become a habit.
People who are ‘in love’ give their partner time and attention. This means regularly seeking quality time and intimacy with each other. Therefore, when you are in love with someone, you are more likely to do whatever it takes to see them and spend time with them. On the contrary, if you don’t even feel like seeing your partner, you may not be in love.
There is no lack of affection and gratitude
In relation to the previous point, some couples find themselves trapped in a relationship that is more reminiscent of roommates than spouses. In these cases, small but significant habits are left aside of love such as, for example, holding hands, hugging, kissing or sharing jokes, among other details that allow us to show affection and create happy moments in everyday life.
On the other hand, lack of gratitude can be evidenced by constant criticism that blames the other person and reminds them of their shortcomings non-stop. In healthy relationships, partners feel secure and “enhanced” by the other person’s positive view of them.
For this reason, emphasizing the positive qualities of the partner and feeling grateful for having that person in our life, no matter how imperfect, can make a difference.
You take your partner into account
Another way to know if it is customary or if you are really in love with your partner is to reflect on whether you take them into account in important decisions. This way, you’ll find time to talk to him or her before making any major life decisions, such as quitting your job or moving, to make sure the outcome works for both of you. At the same time, you will see your partner’s goals and aspirations as your own and you will do everything you can to support her.
On the other hand, if you care about your partner but don’t want to share your decisions with them, it is possible that, although you appreciate them, you are not in love with them. In other words, you can want the best for your partner, but not to the point of having to make sacrifices that reduce your time or energy.
It continues to surprise you
In one of his studies, Fletcher relates being in love with continuing to find new things to love about your partner, even after you have been together for months and years. Someone in love is full of a passion that may diminish, but will rekindle before it goes out.
In this way, it is considered that you are in love with your partner if you are continually renewing positive feelings for that person as awe, gratitude or respect and you are learning new things every day as time goes by. In these cases, you will feel that your love is always evolving in a good way.
On the contrary, people who love each other because they are used to each other are more likely to separate or end up living in a toxic relationship, unlike those who are in love who always find ways to grow together.
There is sexual attraction
On the other hand, if you enjoy spending time with your partner but you don’t feel attracted to her, it is possible that you are not really in love. With the exception of people on the asexual spectrum, relationships generally need an element of passion, desire, or physical attraction to move from habit to being in love.
To find out how you feel you can try to compare your feelings when you spend time with friends who you appreciate and value with time as a couple. If you care about your partner the same way you care about other people in your life, there’s your answer.
If you feel like the habit is making your relationship boring, you can look for new ways to spend time together. In the following article we explain to you.
You solve problems together
From rekindling a fading spark to improving communication and compromising after an argument, when you truly love someone you will be willing to do almost anything to solve your problems. When there is mature and real love, there will be a continued commitment to overcome obstacles and difficulties together.
All couples go through ups and downs, however, when what remains is no longer love but habit, there will be no real efforts to overcome the problems.
Realizing that your relationship is based more on habit than love can be difficult, but it will open the doors to finding someone who really ticks all the boxes. If you want to be sure that you are making the right decision, in this article we explain.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to How to know if it is love or habitwe recommend that you enter our category.
References
- Manly, C. M. (2019). Joy from Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend. Workman Publishing.
- Esclapez, M. (2022). I love me, I love you. Bruguera
- Laurenceau, J.P., Troy, AB, & Carver, CS (2005). Two distinct emotional…