Diseases and death are part of life. Human beings have a finite lifespan and diseases exist. Denying this or looking the other way is respectable, but it is not helpful. Talking about illnesses and death helps us normalize them and learn resources to deal with both situations. Almost all of us have encountered the situation in which a friend, colleague, loses a loved one and we do not know very well how to act or what actions can help them or quite the opposite. Therefore, in this Psychology-Online article you will find how to help a person who has a sick family member and What to say to someone when a family member dies.
How to cheer up a person who has a sick family member
First of all, understanding that we are talking about a situation in which someone has a loved one in a delicate state of health, we must keep in mind that encouraging a positive state of mind, in the vast majority of cases, will not be possible. Rather, we should focus our actions from how help or console to someone who has a sick family member. What we can do is alleviate your pain.
1. Practical help
If we want to help a person who has a sick family member, we must put ourselves in their place, since it will be necessary to know their current needs. We must keep in mind that if it is the main caregiver of the sick person, she may possibly be dedicating a lot of time to caring for her family member. On the other hand, if it is the first time she finds herself in this situation, she may be very lost. Therefore, the practical actions that we can take to help a person who has a sick family member are:
- Offer to perform tasks for which you probably don’t have time: cooking, shopping, taking care of children or any basic activity that we can do or help.
- Inform us and inform the person about bureaucratic and administrative topics that it will be helpful for you to know. Depending on the characteristics and needs of the sick person, we will look for one type of information or another. For example, we can find out about resources and aid for the families of sick people, how to process the dependency law, how to request a place for some assistance resource… We must know what the person needs, collect information from centers, associations, pages of official organizations, etc. and provide you with the information. Next, the decision-making is up to the person, our role is to help.
It will also be important to promote self-care and share the burden of care so that they do not end up suffering.
2. Emotional support
When a person has a family member going through a serious illness, they may feel sad, stressed, frustrated, helpless, overwhelmed, overwhelmed… We can help you in the following way:
- Be realistic: It is very important to understand that we are not the patient’s doctor and that we do not know what course the disease will follow. Therefore, it is essential not to give false hope, trivialize or fall into illusory optimism. As well as not comparing with other patients or saying the typical phrase of “you’ll see that he will recover soon” or “everything will be fine.”
- Be there: Emotional support consists of letting the person know that we understand their situation and that we offer to listen to them and be by their side as and when they need it. Show ourselves available, accessible and also flexible to accompany and support you.
- Normalize and validate: the person is going through a complicated situation in which they may be suffering. The best way to help him is to not allow his suffering to scare us so much that we want to eliminate it by any means necessary. We must normalize the discomfort in the sense that it is normal to feel anger, sadness or helplessness in a situation like this. Validating his emotions, letting him know that it is normal for him to feel them, will allow him to express them and that will facilitate correct emotional management.
Phrases of encouragement for someone with a sick family member
Sometimes, with the best intentions, we want to encourage the person with encouraging phrases such as “you can do everything”, “calm down” or “this will be fixed”. However, these types of statements are totally counterproductive. First, because they may not be real, and second, because we are denying the person’s emotional state and putting pressure on them to be “okay.” The appropriate way to approach the situation is to allow the person to feel what they feel and express it.
What should and shouldn’t we say to someone who has a loved one hospitalized or in critical health? Below we will see ideas and recommendations.
How to ask about a sick family member
If our objective is to know the condition of the sick person, but we do not want to go directly to the topic because we do not know if our friend feels like talking about it, we can start with more generic questions and go deeper or more specific depending on receptivity. that we observe and the responses emitted by him or her.
- How are you? How do you feel?
- Any news you would like to share?
- Is there anything that worries you in particular?
- I can help you with something?
- What do you think would be good for you?
- How is (name of person) doing?
- What do health personnel think?
- How does (person’s name) feel? How are you doing? How are you coping?
What to say to a friend who has a sick family member
Some ideas to convey our support are the following:
- I understand how you feel.
- It’s normal for you to feel this way.
- It is logical that you think this.
- You can count on me.
- I don’t know how everything is going to go, but I will be by your side no matter what.
- If there is anything I can do to make you feel better, tell me.
- Crying is good and has nothing to do with being strong or not.
- Tomorrow I’m going shopping, I can bring you whatever you need.
- I can come this afternoon to help you, if you want.
- We will do it together.
- It is human to make mistakes, no one is perfect.
- It seems to me that you are being very brave explaining this to me.
- Thank you for making me part of your emotions.
How to give condolences to a friend
The moment we find out that our friend’s family member has died, we usually feel uncomfortable and we don’t really know how to act. It’s totally normal. Death continues to be a topic about which very little is talked about and we generally do not know the ways to deal with it.
What is the correct way to give condolences?
To offer condolences to a loved one, we will take into account the following points:
- Keep calm: Surely, the person will be overwhelmed. He will help you to give you peace of mind.
- Act naturally: This is not the time for learned speeches or ready-made phrases, it is better to do what comes from the heart.
- Empathize and sustain: We will try not to dramatize or let their emotions invade us too much, since the idea is to be able to help them and be a support.
- Offer contact: Many times, when someone is overwhelmed, they don’t need words, but rather physical support: a hand on their shoulder, a hug… These gestures tend to relax us and convey presence and support.
As we see, the best way to give condolences is in person, since it allows us to observe the state of the mourner and adapt our behavior as the situation requires. Furthermore, in person we can transmit support in a much warmer and closer way. There are times when it is not possible to be in person and we must give our condolences by phone or in writing by email or WhatsApp.
How to give condolences over the phone
With these tips it will be easier for us and comforting for him or her:
- Ask when it is okay for us to call
- Listen and respect the silence
- Capture the emotional state of the person and adapt to it
- Speak slowly and in a calm tone
A good idea if we cannot be in person is to make a video call, since seeing the person will give us more information than just the voice. Furthermore, although the contact will not be physical, we can use some non-verbal communication such as a look, a smile, an expression of understanding and complicity, a kiss… gestures that will make our condolences more comforting.
How to give condolences on WhatsApp
Showing condolences by WhatsApp is not very close. However, sometimes it is the only possible way. It has the advantage that it is less invasive and may be the appropriate way if the person is reserved or we do not have a bond of trust. Furthermore, currently and increasingly it is a widely used means of communication, so we can use it to show our condolences.
It will be closer and more personal to send a voice message than a written message. But we will adapt according to the bond and trust we have with the person.
It will not be appropriate to send a very long text message or use typical counterproductive phrases. Next we will see what phrases to say and what things to save when we give our condolences.
What to say when someone dies
After hearing the news, it is best to say what comes naturally and sincerely. If it’s “I’m sorry,” that’s enough. Some ideas are:
- I share your sentiment.
- I am very sorry for the loss.
- It’s natural for you to feel this way.
- You have the right to feel that way.
- I am at your side.
- I hear you.
- I know how much you loved him.
- It has been a person (adjective).
- Everything experienced will always remain.
- It will remain in our hearts and our thoughts.
- Can I help you with some management?
- Do you need someone to take care of the children?
- Do you have transportation to go to (place where the wake will be held)?
The typical phrase “if you need anything, let me know” is an offer made with the best intentions, but it is formulated so generically that it is unhelpful. Leave the responsibility on the person, who does not know what we are willing to do and what we are not. Therefore, if we really want to help, we will have to be specific and offer to carry out some task that we can foresee that will require support.
Things we should not say when someone dies
We can avoid certain phrases that are not helpful, such as:
- Well, he was already very old.
- It’s better that way.
- He has stopped suffering.
- Life is so.
- It is the law of life.
- Things that happen.
- You are young, you can rebuild your life.
- You are young, you can have another child.
- You will get through it, you are strong.
- I couldn’t go visit him because I don’t like hospitals.
- You will meet again in heaven.
This is not the time to look for positive things, or to rationalize. Faced with a significant loss the person has the right to feel bad, regardless of the age of the deceased person and regardless of their condition. On the other hand, one thing is to normalize death as part of life and the other is to minimize and trivialize the suffering that a person has after the loss. We all know that life ends, but when it touches us closely we feel a pain that needs to be respected. It doesn’t hurt any less to know that “life is like that.”
In cases where the deceased is a spouse or child, it is not at all appropriate to suggest that they may have another partner or another child. It is worth mentioning that no one likes hospitals, that illnesses are unpleasant experiences for everyone…