Some people resort to manipulative tactics to control their relationships and use their partner to their advantage. In these cases, the manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power to satisfy his or her needs, without empathizing with the person who suffers from it. This type of abuse is often not very explicit and can make the person who suffers it doubt their own reality and perception of the world.
For example, it can cause you to question whether you have the right to feel the way you feel, whether your memories were exactly as you remember them, whether you are exaggerating when something hurts you, etc. If you feel identified with any of these situations, in the following Psychology-Online article we explain how to act with a manipulative partner.
Know your rights
First of all, both in a relationship and in any other type of interaction with other people, it is essential to know your rights to have decent treatment and remember that you have the power and moral authority to declare that it is you and not your partner. Who is in charge of your life. Remember that you have the right to the following:
- Be treated with I respect.
- Can express your feelings, opinions and desires.
- Be able to set your own priorities.
- Opine differently from the others.
- Say no” without feeling guilty.
- Protect yourself from being threatened physically, mentally or emotionally.
- Create one happy and healthy life.
These rights, among others, are collected by the General Assembly of the United Nations and are approved and proclaimed in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Unfortunately, our society is full of people who do not respect them, but that does not mean that their actions are justified or that you have to consent to them.
Identify the manipulation
Some manipulative couples disguise their behavior under false protection and/or love. However, real love takes the other person into account and does not seek harm to obtain benefit. On the contrary, a manipulative person acts according to his or her interests and It will make you feel uncomfortable, guilty, and even afraid If you don’t get what you want.
For all this, it is very important to identify if you are being a victim of emotional manipulation and keep in mind that this is not Love. To do so, we recommend you consult this article on .
A study published in The Journal of Sexual Aggression suggests that manipulators share some common personality traits, such as being emotionally unavailable, withdrawn, irresponsible, impulsive, distracted, and lacking common sense and self-awareness.
Signs of a manipulative partner
How does a manipulative partner act? Often the tactics and words of a manipulator:
- Invalidate your feelings: “you’re overreacting”.
- Devalue your value: “you’re stupid”.
- Deny reality: “Are you sure this happened? Sometimes you don’t understand things well.”
- Blame you for their actions: “don’t get angry over meaningless things.”
- Wanting to know where you are at all times: for example, he needs to be in communication with you 24/7.
- Victimize yourself: “I get like this because you made me angry.”
If you want to know more about this, in the following article you will find more information about different .
Do not blame yourself
Manipulative people usually detect those with complacent tendencies so that they remain passive and obedient. In this way, because manipulation is based on taking advantage of the other’s vulnerability, it is understandable that you feel inadequate, or even blame yourself for not meeting all of your partner’s demands.
In these situations, it is important to remember that the problem is not youBut rather, they are manipulating you to make you feel bad about yourself and be more likely to act in a way that suits the manipulator. Consider your relationship with your partner and ask yourself the following questions:
- Are you treating me with respect?
- Are my partner’s expectations and demands reasonable?
- Is the relationship reciprocal? Is what I am asked for equivalent to what I receive?
- Do I feel good about myself in this relationship?
The answers you get to these questions will give you important clues about the state of your relationship.
Communicate with your partner
Once you identify these manipulative behaviors, it is important communicate with your partner about how their behavior affects you. If you don’t, you could reinforce this way of acting, without your partner having arguments to change, and perpetuating their actions over time.
Remember that in a healthy relationship you should not be afraid to expose aspects that make you uncomfortable, since this is precisely what, as long as both parties feel comfortable and work together in the same direction.
What to do when your partner manipulates you
Below, we explain some techniques to be able to communicate your feelings effectively to a manipulative person:
- If your partner tries to convince you of a lie, you can say: “we remember what happened differently. Your memories do not have to invalidate mine.”
- If your partner tells you how you should or should not feel, you can state: “you have a way of living your emotions and I have others. There is no better or worse way. My feelings are valid and not wrong. Please respect the way we feel.”
- If it’s a tense conversation and there is a possibility that the conflict will escalate, you can state: “I don’t know where this conversation is going. Let’s come back to this later when we both have a clearer mind.”
If your partner is acting manipulatively, there is a chance that he or she is not aware of the harm his or her behaviors are causing (of course, it could also be intentional). For this reason, communication is key so that he realizes his actions.
Shift focus to the manipulator
Manipulators often resort to requests or demands to satisfy their needs, which, in many cases, are often unreasonable. In these cases, a very useful way to handle this situation is change focus, from the person to whom the inadmissible request is addressed to the person who makes it. In this way, we get focus attention on the manipulator through some questions to test his position and see if he is aware of what he is asking of you.
For example, you can ask yourself, “Does this seem reasonable to you?”, “Does what you are asking me seem fair to you?”, “Is my opinion important to you?”, or “If I asked the same thing for you, Would you do the same for me?” Asking these questions will be like putting manipulation in the mirror and revealing the true nature of its demands.
Observe his reaction
What to do when your partner manipulates you? If he has some degree of self-awareness, he will realize that what he is asking of you is not acceptable, reflect on his actions, and work to move the relationship in a positive direction. If you recognize your mistakes and has the ability and intention to repair the damage, is a good sign.
On the other hand, if he doesn’t show empathy towards you or care about your feelings, he probably won’t listen to your questions, minimize his actions, and continue insisting on “getting his way.” If he does not admit any faults in his actions, does not see them as a problem and does not validate your feelings, then it is time to ask yourself if the relationship is appropriate for you.
Use time to your advantage
In addition to unreasonable requests, manipulative people often also expect a response from you immediately to maximize their pressure and control of the situation, or as a form of persuasion. Therefore, in those moments, consider take advantage of time to your advantage and get away instead of responding to your manipulative partner’s request.
Taking distance will help you become aware and respond in a more thoughtful and slow way. Take the time you need to evaluate the pros and cons of a situation. Think about whether it is possible to reach a more equitable agreement with your partner or if it is best to say “no.”
Set limits
In relation to the previous section, the ability to set limits is one of the most important skills for creating and maintaining healthy relationships. It is not about imposing your position, but about recognize your emotions, give them space and validity and seeking and understanding from the other person.
If your partner engages in behavior toward you that hurts you, it is important that you let him or her know what is tolerable and what is not, being as specific as possible about what bothers you and why. For example, you can tell him not to talk down to you when you forget something.
In every relationship it is important know which red lines cannot be crossed, which includes the use of certain harmful words and behaviors, treating the person with contempt, destructive criticism, etc. Therefore, if your partner is not willing to change despite your assertive requests, and behaves abusively with no intention of giving up or rectifying the behaviors that hurt you, it is time to say “no.”
Free yourself from the relationship
How to act with a manipulative partner? Be able to say no” politely and firmly is a way that allows you to defend yourself when you are treated unfairly. Remember that your fundamental human rights include the right to set your own priorities, the right to say “no” without feeling guilty, and the right to choose to live a happy and healthy life.
Therefore, when a psychological manipulator insists on crossing your boundaries and won’t take “no” for an answer, it will be in your best interest. detach yourself from the abusive relationship. This will help you realize that there are more possibilities outside of this relationship and that you don’t have to stay with this person if they are hurting you.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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References
- Declaration of Human Rights, DU (2003). Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Retrieved from http://www. approdeh org. pe.
- Miano, P., Bellomare, M., & Genova, VG (2021). Personality correlates of gaslighting behaviors in young adults. Journal of Sexual Aggression, 27(3), 285-298.
Bibliography
- Bursten, B. (1972). The manipulative personality. Archives of general psychiatry, 26(4), 318-321.
- Wuest, J., & Merritt-Gray, M. (2008). A theoretical understanding of abusive intimate partner relationships that become non-violent: Shifting the pattern of abusive control. Journal of Family Violence, 23(4), 281-293.